Her social life versus my social life.

[travellinglighter]

I’m not overly blessed with friends whereas my partner has maintained friendships from school and makes friends easily.

This month she’s been to two works parties and had lunch on at
least three occasions without me. She’s able to do this because she works two days one week and three days the other week. She’s been to another Christmas party with me, been out for dinner with me and been to the pub with me and her family.

Other than breakfast with my work colleagues in work hours I haven’t had a single social occasion without her. I have worked 5 days a week and over storm Darragh I worked 12 days in a row and up to 18hrs a day.

Christmas Day, I cooked for 8 on my own. After dinner I was told that to leave the washing up as the rest of HER family would do it. When I got up next morning, I did it.

No issues, I don’t mind, I’m just illustrating that I’m pulling my weight. I do all the cooking in this house. Plus laundry and ironing

My best friend phoned me the other today to tell me we’d had a mutual friend die from a long term illness. It was Friday night, I had nothing planned for the weekend and he asked if I wanted to go out for a memorial drink with some other friends on Saturday . I said I’d get back to him.

i mentioned it and it kicked off a barnstormer of a row. My social life always does. There is a pattern.

I ask if she’s okay with me going out, she comes up with a spurious problem that means I can’t go out.

I propose a solution to the spurious problem, she gets upset.

She accused me of always going out. I ask her when was the last time I went out and she remembers an event a month ago.

I point out her lunches, parties, nights away and accuses me of trying to keep her away from her friends. I point out that I rearrange my days, work from home or nip home to deal with issues so she can see her friends.

We row and I cave in or spend the next two days in the dog house.

Friday’s spurious excuse was she would be left on her own to look after her very elderly father. I caved in, spend Saturday night watching him sleep through the darts. She put him to bed without me. Like she has done every night since he came here on Christmas Eve.

I’m now sitting in front of the TV while her elderly father sleeps through the football on my own. I’ll put him to bed tonight. Why am I doing it? She’s gone out.

It’s a minor issue in our relationship but it might just be the one that breaks it.

She sounds like a psycho. Do yourself a favour and escape.

No adult should have to experience that shit feeling of not being allowed out with yer mates!

You should have gone anyway. In a calm, “Nope, this is fair and I’m doing it” kind of way.

Just seen your update.

Yes, you should have left 4 years ago.

You've tried counselling, it didn't work, and it won't work, because she doesn't want to work thing out she want you to do as you're told and dance to her tune.

Take your life back and get away from her.

Not a minor issue at all. She sounds like a nightmare!

Try going out anyway and if she kicks up a fuss, tell her the fucking door is over there if she doesn't like it.

Then make plans to split up. New year coming up, get yourself a life free of control.

My friends have told me to leave her. I’m divorced, this is a second long term relationship (8 years). I have a great relationship with her family and we own a house together.

I know I sound like a wuss but I’ve got into the habit of weighing pros and cons of each situation before I proceed. Is a night with my friends worth the grief as well the hangover.

To be fair to her. I’ve done 5 days skiing and been to London on the Remembrance Day parade for 2 days. I didn’t alllow any objections. The real issue is that the things I like aren’t her thing so she can’t/won’t tag along. If she wants to go to a garden centre or a national trust home, it’s not my thing but I can tag along.

I think she is putting elderly father to bed for her partner .

He. I’m putting her elderly father to bed.

She's taking the piss.

You are in an abusive relationship and no matter what you decided 4 years ago, it is never too late to leave.

You ARE a wuss but you don't have to stay that way. Grow a backbone and get your ducks in a row so you can exit this nightmare. Until then don't ask for permission going out. You kindly inform her and that's it. The only reason she's treating you like crap is because you let her.

So what's stopping you now?

She is, she’s realised it, she cancelled her night out but she had to tell her son why as it was with him and he has told her off. I get on with her son and it was a long standing thing so I had no issues with putting her dad to bed

I started to feel better about the whole situation today post apology but I got the cold shoulder when I came home as I had gone shopping and came home half an hour later than I was expected.

What pros are there for staying?

Liking her family isn't enough

My exDH was like this OP. Every Wednesday afternoon was lake diving which ran into drinks in the evening. Every Saturday morning disappearing early for a round of golf which lasted most of the day. Every Sunday afternoon was cricket, which also lasted for hours. (I was invited to support and make cakes for the cricket tea 😒). Then there were the diving holidays, Army dinners and drinks... It went on and on. We had a small child and I was always there to do the childcare all weekend and evenings alone.

When I was invited to a university reunion weekend, it was quickly pointed out that I had not long returned from a weekend in Riga with a friend. I had to point out that my DC was 18 months when I went, and by then he was 4.🙄

In the end I got a family calendar, with a column for each of us. I wrote in school and medical appts for my DC, and then filled in his column with all his hobbies, events etc, and mine.

The last straw was when I found him trying to rub out a couple of my events because he'd agreed to things without checking my plans in advance. We had arranged a family get together for four days with my DB and Sil, and the night before we left he announced he had agreed to go on a diving holiday to Malta with his friends. His entitlement was off the scale. I had to drive 8 hours alone with my DC to meet my family, and still made excuses on his behalf about the mix up with the holiday.

Even as an ex he still used to try switching visitation at short notice because he'd planned to go on dates without checking weekends etc. Once he asked for a weekend without my son because he "needed a break". He had his child for 4 days a month.

I wouldn't put up with it if I were you. You are entitled to a social life of your own. Make a new start for 2025.

You absolutely need to leave. She is abusive and controlling, it’s ok for her to go out but not you. You’ve tried counselling and it clearly hasn’t worked.

This is a great time of year to re-evaluate your life
On the 30th Dec 2025 do you want to be weighing up the pros and cons of having a drink with a friend to remember those no longer with us alongside the risk of living with someone who's sulking because you have dared to do so?

Getting the silent treatment is abuse. And for being half an hour late from shopping.... come on op, surely you know this is extremely controlling of her. And counselling isn't recommended where there's abuse involved.

She sounds like a controlling, jealous twat. Why would you put up with this?

That's neither minor nor normal

This is text book abuse. She is controlling you and isolating you through the silent treatment and arguments, in a bid to limit your freedom. She won’t change.

You cannot live like this.She sounds like a controlling bitch

I think YOU ALONE should go for counselling.

you need a safe space to explore things and get some perspective and support.

I also think that you have tried everything including counselling with her and because there is only compromise on one side (yours) the relationship cannot work. The more you bend the more she pushes, that is how abuse works so that leaves only you leaving not because you don’t care and not because you want to but because you deserve better and this is the only option left for you to be able to live in a way that you deserve.

please keep coming back here if you need support @travellinglighter

to be clear without the waffle my advice is

get counselling for you on your own (I feel this is important)

make plans to leave.

Also @travellinglighter im really sorry you lost your friend

I explained my issues to the counsellor and she came up with a laundry list of things that she doesn’t like about me.

Quite frankly, this is awful, and sounds like she's only with you because the alternative is being single. No one should be dictating when other people can see their family and friends.