Her social life versus my social life.

[travellinglighter]

I’m not overly blessed with friends whereas my partner has maintained friendships from school and makes friends easily.

This month she’s been to two works parties and had lunch on at
least three occasions without me. She’s able to do this because she works two days one week and three days the other week. She’s been to another Christmas party with me, been out for dinner with me and been to the pub with me and her family.

Other than breakfast with my work colleagues in work hours I haven’t had a single social occasion without her. I have worked 5 days a week and over storm Darragh I worked 12 days in a row and up to 18hrs a day.

Christmas Day, I cooked for 8 on my own. After dinner I was told that to leave the washing up as the rest of HER family would do it. When I got up next morning, I did it.

No issues, I don’t mind, I’m just illustrating that I’m pulling my weight. I do all the cooking in this house. Plus laundry and ironing

My best friend phoned me the other today to tell me we’d had a mutual friend die from a long term illness. It was Friday night, I had nothing planned for the weekend and he asked if I wanted to go out for a memorial drink with some other friends on Saturday . I said I’d get back to him.

i mentioned it and it kicked off a barnstormer of a row. My social life always does. There is a pattern.

I ask if she’s okay with me going out, she comes up with a spurious problem that means I can’t go out.

I propose a solution to the spurious problem, she gets upset.

She accused me of always going out. I ask her when was the last time I went out and she remembers an event a month ago.

I point out her lunches, parties, nights away and accuses me of trying to keep her away from her friends. I point out that I rearrange my days, work from home or nip home to deal with issues so she can see her friends.

We row and I cave in or spend the next two days in the dog house.

Friday’s spurious excuse was she would be left on her own to look after her very elderly father. I caved in, spend Saturday night watching him sleep through the darts. She put him to bed without me. Like she has done every night since he came here on Christmas Eve.

I’m now sitting in front of the TV while her elderly father sleeps through the football on my own. I’ll put him to bed tonight. Why am I doing it? She’s gone out.

It’s a minor issue in our relationship but it might just be the one that breaks it.

Anyone who leaves you in the “dog house” for two days is abusive. No ifs, no buts - straight up controlling behaviour.

She is taking the piss and she’s controlling you. If she goes out all the time why can’t you? The next thing is she will start hitting you as it feels like she’s a bully

She's a narcissist...see Dr Ramani on Youtube for more information.

This makes me so sad for you, the fact that she didn't actively WANT for you to get the chance to be with your friends upon the sad passing of you friends shows she really doesn't give a shit about you as a person. You are just a partner in the functional sense of meeting HER needs. Please love and respect yourself enough to leave her, she sounds really awful. There are pivotal moments between two people which determine what happens next, this should be one such moment.

Thanks all,of you. I’m going to start moving some money around. Money isn’t really an issue but the house sale, dogs and logistics are going to cause mayhem.

@travellinglighter

Make a new plan to leave. This time don't tell her anything until you are ready to leave, or better still leave her a note to read after you've gone.

You deserve better than this. Listen to your friends. Leave this horrible controlling woman and make 2025 the year everything changes for the better.

Good luck. Best to do it now rather than after another 4 years of living this way.

If money isn't really an issue do all your communication through a solicitor.

Get rid. She's abusive and controlling.

God she sounds vile.

If nothing has changed after 4 years, then I don’t know if they ever will. She sounds controlling and abusive. This kind of behaviour will also start eating away at you. Why should you weigh up pros and cons before you go out! You should be able to speak to her without the worry of an argument, and if there is a calendar clash, you should be able to discuss it without thin gf s escalating.

Could you make a plan to leave and find out what you need to put in place. It sounds like she wants you to stick around but she doesn’t treat you very well.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am about your friend’s passing. And also that you sound like a lovely person… and also that you should leave your relationship. She sounds awful, and you sound like a lovely soul who deserves far, far better. Xxx

It sounds like you are in controlling relationship and it doesn't sound like a minor issue from the outside looking in.

I’ve known the solution for a while. I know it’s going to hurt. By leaving it’s going to dump so much stress on other people. I’ve been waiting for an ideal time to leave. There is no ideal time.

I’ll move money and prep friends for what’s coming. I can’t prep her family but I’ll explain as best I can when the time comes. I think at least one of them knows I’m unhappy.

OP, you aren't a "wuss". JFC I can't believe a PP said that to you.

You're in an abusive relationship. I'm assuming you're a man? Apologies if I am wrong and this is a same sex relationship. Either way, none of that matters. You are in an abusive relationship. You don't have to be.

She's abusive, ditch the bitch.

Stop worrying about how this will affect other people. You are not responsible for how it affects them and you should not stay in an abusive relationship to shield their feelings. You need to think about yourself. It's not selfish, it's necessary for your own happiness and mental wellbeing. I think you have been putting it off because you know she will be difficult, angry and do everything she can to make life difficult for you. Remember that however awful it gets, it will be worth it and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your eyes on that prize and focus on the end result. You will be happy again.

Just tell her you need to go out and equal number of times for the next month or you will leave. This is a terrible relationship for you - LTB

She's controlling your social life it isn't fair and you do a lot in the home from what you said
Me and dp work he works more hours then me but I do the cooking cleaning etc and that's perfect he does the shopping takes me to work and collects me I don't drive he also does household chores if needed we split our partnership equally I certainly wouldn't begrudge him going out not that either of us do to be honest through choice

I’m the social one with hobbies outside the home in our relationship but I’d move heaven and earth to support my DH to attend a pub memorial.

You definitely need time for a social life too. I wouldn't pit this against her social life - make clear to her that it's not about her reducing her socializing. For the first half of your post I felt there was a lot of resentment about her going out and having good friends. I could be wrong about this though, not sure if it's just the way you wrote it.
But if she doesn't help make time/let you socialize after you speak to her about your socializing needs - then that is really not okay and is controlling behavior. You both should be free to socialize as much as you want.

Goodness this is awful. She is so controlling please do get out of this relationship. I am the sociable one between me and DH but I don't stop DH going out. We may need to discuss date's or rearrange things as we have 3 kids but we both get to go. When I say I am the sociable one I rarely go out drinking or partying. Your more likely to find me hill climbing with a friend than in a pub. DH doesn't do anything like that but does golf.

Counselling - for you, by yourself.

Start living the life you want to live - I don't mean be an arsehole or exact revenge, just stop letting her control you.

So if the norm from her is to say 'hey im going out on x date' then you do the same. If she wants to sulk etc, ignore it, just continue to chat in a pleasant manner, do normal household stuff when you're home.. she will only be making life miserable for herself in the long run.

And all the while, sort out your finances and future plans, and then when it is appropriate for you to do so.. fuck off out of it.

This isn't a minute issue. Why are you asking hey permission to see your friends? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

This is an equal relationship.

And on top of that you're being emotionally abused and controlled.

What does she bring to your relationship?