Sick and tired of males pushing boundaries

[Mango182]

I am not encouraging shitty behaviour but it seems like being nice and friendly towards males is constantly getting me in uncomfortable places and I don't understand why it's happening.

I'm currently anxious and feeling really fucking fed up. I work with so many people. Male and female. I treat them all the same. Some I sit and drink tea with in the staff room and natter with. Some I will stop in the corridor and make chit chat like you'd do a auntie in asda. I am never ever flirtatious or suggestive. JUST NICE.

I've recently been messed about by a man I worked with who doesn't work there now. No problem. That was mutual and its done with. But I've made the silly mistake of talking to a man at work over a cuppa about the mistakes I've made with some humour thrown in. Other people were there. We all chatted like adults. He's been with his girlfriend 15 years. I know of her. So all is fine. He's always seemed normal. I asked him for some advice this week about a work issue as I was abit upset with the way something had been handled. Since then he's been messaging me daily. He's apparently thinking of me. He keeps asking if I have ten mins after work to see him. Today he's asked if I'm free at all. It's my day off and no I'm not! He's being creepily weird and I know he's testing the waters and I absolutely hate how shit it feels. He has started writing statuses on fb this week after 3 years of not posting. He's told me he's looked through my pictures and he would marry me if he was single.

I can't cope with this shit. I also gave my number to a local football coach in June. Married! I had to take my son out of coaching after 3 weeks because he was chasing me for sex.

I'm just starting to really hate men. I dont know how to handle this silly dick at work now either. What a twat to think it was at all appropriate. I have really ignored messages for hours and hours. If I don't reply the next day he pops up again. I try push it straight Into polite work chat again and he's pushing it. I don't want to feel uncomfortable. Please advise me. Am I to blame.

If I hear again I will tell him I feel I've mislead him

Please don't say that - tell him instead that he's misunderstood, not that you were misleading him.

I think I would send one message:

"Name, I want you to stop messaging me. I'm not interested in seeing you or talking to you outside work. I thought you were a friend and now you are acting completely inappropriately (give examples). You say you would marry me - ffs we work together, that's all. You're in a long-term relationship with Name - why would I be interested in having an affair with someone who was in a relationship? The way you're behaving is seriously creeping me out and the friendship has now gone. In work please treat me with respect. Outside work please don't contact me again. I'm blocking you now as you have upset me and made me angry. I'm happy to never refer to this again but if you do persist I have copies of all messages and will report it to HR."

Having been in similar situations before, I have a lot of sympathy with OP. IME the subtle boundary-pushing is harder to deal with than the blatant over-stepping (the football coach! Wtf!). If someone sends you an unsolicited, explicit photo it's black and white and no-one would question you reporting it. But with the slow chip, chip, chip of your boundaries it can be difficult to enforce the line. The guy has faux-innocent "well I didn't mean anything by it, I was only being friendly" defence. WE know. WE see exactly what he's up to. WE know how uncomfortable it makes us feel... but how can you report someone who was "just chatting"? That's what these gits rely on. They stay just this side of the line so that if there's any push-back, it's the woman who's made out to be "crazy" or whatever. So I totally get why it's hard to know how to respond, especially with the added kicker that you thought he was a friend.

Yeah, you shouldn’t really “show interest” if you’re in a long term relationship. Not unless you want people to think your a bit of a creep 🫤

It isn’t your fault at all OP! It’s the arrogance and audacity of men.
I’m average looking and I think that makes it worse because all sorts of men think they have a chance. So they creepily latch on and ignore blatant signs I’m not interested. I guess they then complain they are in the friend zone.

Like you, I wonder why some women get treated so differently. Is it simply a case that they're more attractive or have a certain X factor that makes them irresistible? Or is it that men sense a vulnerability in some women and feel they can exploit this to get what they want?

I think probably the latter. OP said that this guy started hitting on her after she confided in him.

Yeah I'm not drop dead gorgeous. Pretty with makeup but but sexy or wow. Just pretty. Without makeup not so pretty more washed out lol

This 💯 %.......

I don't get this anymore, I used to be a people pleaser....not anymore.

No victim blaming at all @Mango182 , but you definitely need to work on your boundaries.

I'd have been furious in your shoes, with the coach, I'd have told/shown his wife x

You really need to do this, OP, ignoring him at work won’t wash. Then block his number, he has no need to contact you outside of work and you don’t want him to. Simple, but a bloody shame you have to do this. He’s an idiot.

@Mango182

Invent a new boyfriend and bring him up in future communication or conversations . Invent a hobby for this new "boyfriend " such as kickboxing or weightlifting. He won't bother you again. .

Ah, good old victim-blaming. Why don't you fuck off now, thanks.

One your people pleasing ,to polite to get them to back off
Two ,your over sharing
Keep the personal chitchat to close girlfriends.
Men see the personal chitchat chat as come on
I've had the same with a friend's husband,where I'm dodging him ,as he was turning up everywhere I went and cornering me .
I ended up having to be rude and Sharp, for him to get the message
You have to shut the shit down the minute it starts ,no nice chit chat any more with men

I've had another message now saying he's asked 3 times if I'd like to meet up and it's been a no so he's wanting to apologise and will leave me alone and always there if I need a talk. I haven't quite thought how to reply. But my silence today has helped him realise. But I still think its an utter joke he has a partner and thought it was OK to mess with her life and mine for his own reasons.

Why aren’t you putting a stop to this rather than leaving him to “take the hint”?

Just bloody tell him to back off. Silence and ambiguity makes them think that it’s OK to just keep nagging in the hope of getting the outcome they want.

I’d message back..

’Behave yourself ‘Dave’. I’m not interested in meeting outside of work and I’m certainly not interested in where you sleep. You were my work friend and now you’ve made it weird. Stop messaging me.’

Good luck.

As others have said this shit lessens as you get older. I’m now early 50s and had to go through this so much when younger. An ice queen persona developed for me naturally as I became so pissed off, and mistrusting, with how many men can be like this.

I had hopes that being close to 50 and about a stone overweight would do the trick but no, a man I went to university with years ago and who is married with two daughters has been trying it on with me for the last handful of months. (I haven’t seen this man for about 20 years, he lives thousands of miles away but we both attended a reunion which is when the messaging began as my number is in the group chat.) He was lecherous and inappropriate at the start of the evening but I managed to spend the meal with people he wouldn’t have wanted to talk to, so avoided any further conversation as it was clear what his intentions toward me - the only single person in a room of 40 - were. I have deleted all messages unread and unreplied-to since September and thought he had given up but he messaged again today on FB. It’s gross and makes me feel disgusting that he (and quite a few other married and unmarried men over the years) think that as I am not in a couple, I am fair game.

I’d love to call him out in front of the big group but I also know he’s a sleaze, so probably nobody would be surprised. His poor wife. If I ever see him again I will ask if he would like his daughters to be married to men who openly try to cheat on them. Or why he doesn’t target any of the 19 wives in the group, why is it just me? The French have a saying, “balance ton porc” - meaning squeal on your pig. Definitely a plan for the next reunion.

I would maybe respond "I accept your apology and welcome your decision to leave me alone."

What a scumbag.

I think men like this do see a nice, kind, helpful woman as someone they can whine at and hope for sympathy and more. Ugh. So I agree with Goast talking about men who sniff out women with people pleasing tendencies and soft boundaries to bleat to and hope for us going 'aw, poorly poor poor you, here have my body and my love and I will look after you like your mummy' or whatever else is in their tiny minds.

And yes, we shouldn't have to change but because of the saddos we have to. Ugh again.

It gets worse the older I get.. the come ons, the messages, the beeps etc. At least I have the confidence to deal with it now

Don't reply.
Block if you can ,don't know if it's a work phone ,but just stop replying,turn off the blue ticks so it doesn't look like the message has been read ,or better still don't actually read the message.
Certainly don't thank him for leaving you alone ,as that's what he's angling for ,and then he's got you replying and he will start it again

Don't reply.

Yes, that is exactly what I would do. The more silence there is over this kind of behaviour, the more it will go on. He should be reported and will hopefully be removed. I couldn’t care less how good a coach he is, and neither should anyone else. I wouldn’t want my DC being coached/tutored etc by someone who behaves like this in any case.

In the case of the work idiot, send a firm response summarising what he’s done and that it has to stop, eg You’ve messaged me repeatedly suggesting xyz, but I’m not interested. Messages should be about work only. I’m doing you the courtesy of responding clearly - if this continues I will raise it with HR.

This.

Straight simple communication. Not interested as a reply to a text.

And if he isn't removed go to the FA who definitely will. Would likely sanction the entire club too due to their shitty response.

Wouldn't you bring up their partners as well? With the football coach, I'd have showed his wife if I had been standing next to her.