Sick and tired of males pushing boundaries

[Mango182]

I am not encouraging shitty behaviour but it seems like being nice and friendly towards males is constantly getting me in uncomfortable places and I don't understand why it's happening.

I'm currently anxious and feeling really fucking fed up. I work with so many people. Male and female. I treat them all the same. Some I sit and drink tea with in the staff room and natter with. Some I will stop in the corridor and make chit chat like you'd do a auntie in asda. I am never ever flirtatious or suggestive. JUST NICE.

I've recently been messed about by a man I worked with who doesn't work there now. No problem. That was mutual and its done with. But I've made the silly mistake of talking to a man at work over a cuppa about the mistakes I've made with some humour thrown in. Other people were there. We all chatted like adults. He's been with his girlfriend 15 years. I know of her. So all is fine. He's always seemed normal. I asked him for some advice this week about a work issue as I was abit upset with the way something had been handled. Since then he's been messaging me daily. He's apparently thinking of me. He keeps asking if I have ten mins after work to see him. Today he's asked if I'm free at all. It's my day off and no I'm not! He's being creepily weird and I know he's testing the waters and I absolutely hate how shit it feels. He has started writing statuses on fb this week after 3 years of not posting. He's told me he's looked through my pictures and he would marry me if he was single.

I can't cope with this shit. I also gave my number to a local football coach in June. Married! I had to take my son out of coaching after 3 weeks because he was chasing me for sex.

I'm just starting to really hate men. I dont know how to handle this silly dick at work now either. What a twat to think it was at all appropriate. I have really ignored messages for hours and hours. If I don't reply the next day he pops up again. I try push it straight Into polite work chat again and he's pushing it. I don't want to feel uncomfortable. Please advise me. Am I to blame.

Why are grown adult men incapable of getting hints though? She is not engaging with him the way he is with her so why does she have to make things incredibly uncomfortable by telling him to get lost. Why is he not getting the message? If I kept messaging somebody in a sexual way and they blatantly ignored it - it would not take me more than 1 message to get the hint and back off. Why are men apparently incapable of that?

You’re unfairly and quite bafflingly getting a hard time OP. These men are creeps. I’d be very firm with the work creep and if he carries on you’ll have to report him, as much as you don’t want to. Regarding the coach creep, I’m not exaggerating by saying I’d report him to the police or some sort of safeguarding organisation. He is vile, how dare he.

Some people have a low emotional IQ and poor social skills. They can also be creeps, abusive or want to see if they can ' win you over '.

Whatever their inadequacy, your job is to protect yourself.

Same here . Don't smile , don't laugh at their jokes and I'm a stuck up miserable moody bitch .

Smile , laugh at their jokes and then I'm being bubbly , and deserve the unwanted sexual attention I'm getting because I flirted with them and came in to them .

So now I just ignore men and only deal with them if I have to

Pretty much - they don't want to take the hint, so they don't. They think pushing and pursuing and pestering might work, so they carry on.

And if it doesn't work with one woman, they will try the next woman, until it does work.

Many men (NAMALT) are just driven to find a woman to have sex with. If they can get into a "relationship" where they have regular sex on tap without all the effort of pursuing, so much the better.

Women often don't understand how different men are to women. Men are not just women with different body parts. They have different hormones, different upbringing and socialisation, different psychology.

As the film "When Harry met Sally" showed, no you can't "just be friends" with most men (NAMALT) - the friends ended up having sex by the end of the film. (sorry if that is a spoiler for anyone).

Don't apologise or try to make work colleague feel better or say you mislead him... just be direct and say you don't want to meet up or have conversations outside of work. No explanation or excuse needed, just that and then ignore/ block messages and carry on your life. Don't change your finish time, if he approaches you in the car park just repeat that message and walk away.

Football coach... what a sleaze! I'd have been tempted to call it out in the group. 'I just got sent an inappropriate picture from someone in this group. I will assume it was sent in error, but if it happens again I won't hesitate to name, shame and share'

I met - and still meet - friends through work, but I get close to them mainly during socials/ out of office activities. Even then, I'm always mindful of what I say, never drink too much and never gossip. My best friendships are with people who were my colleagues but not anymore.

I used to overshare with colleagues and it have never worked in my favour. I also had issues with people getting too involved (overbearing "friends" I did not need) and its quite difficult to reign them back if you are supposed to see them and communicate with them every day. And I imagine unwanted romantic attention could be awful.

OP can always report him for harassment, but it would be very difficult if she still has to work with him.

As if. In my experience they see it as a challenge.

You gave a football coach your number as was club procedure and he sent you a dick pic that night with absolutely no prompting?

Id be going to the club manager, if not the police about that.

The work guy fancies an illicit shag so needs telling to fuck off in no uncertain terms. Why are you so bothered about causing trouble for these guys when they are sexually harassing you?

Get a backbone.

You gave a football coach your number as was club procedure and he sent you a dick pic that night with absolutely no prompting?

Id be going to the club manager, if not the police about that.

The work guy fancies an illicit shag so needs telling to fuck off in no uncertain terms. Why are you so bothered about causing trouble for these guys when they are sexually harassing you?

Get a backbone.

It’s the only way sadly. Otherwise they think you are up for it. Most of them are fucking deluded.

Yes let's tell off the OP and others for not immediately responding correctly to unsolicited sexual advances. That's absolutely what the problem is here.

Was interested to see the Pelicot trial changed #namalt to "not all men But 72 men who lived in 1 km radius"

"Stop messaging me. You have gone beyond my boundaries of decent behaviour. I doubt you'd want your partner to read the messages you have sent me."

Something along those lines OP. You really need to switch of the 'people pleaser' in you. It doesn't matter if he doesn't like you going forwards. His behaviour has caused this, you haven't. And please do not tell him that you have mis-led him because you haven't. He has over-stepped and doesn't care.

No, the problem is the behaviour of the disgusting men - but if we as women don’t call out this predatory behaviour and stop worrying about the poor menz feelings being hurt/them getting into trouble then they’ll just continue getting away with it right?

It is sexual harassment as I said in my first post and it should be reported. The guy at work I reckon would back off if the op told him she wasn’t interested but she seems more concerned about not upsetting him, hence the backbone comment - it’s good advice and she should take it.

As above. Do as this poster is suggesting and always follow through.

You're absolutely not to blame. Being kind, approachable, and friendly doesn't give anyone the right to overstep your boundaries or behave inappropriately. The problem lies entirely with the man who is misinterpreting or exploiting your kindness, not with you. You shouldn't have to change who you are or second-guess your behavior because of their inappropriate behaviour.

One suggestion might be to keep referencing any wife or girlfriend they have - even suggest you would like to meet their other half.

Ie if they suggest coffee, be really obtuse and reply it would be nice to get a few people together and would their OH like to come. Be really really obtuse and ask them for her number.

I think this is where I've went wrong in many relationships - thinking that it's something special. In reality, that we see on here far too often, a man will just display an 'out with the old, in with the new' mentality. As long as they have a woman to meet their needs, have sex with, along with an easy life, then they'll just settle. IME, they don't even have to be that keen on her, as long as regular sex is on offer.

Yes let's tell off the OP and others for not immediately responding correctly to unsolicited sexual advances. That's absolutely what the problem is here.

Oh for goodness sake. I'm getting the rage with the stupidity of these responses. OF FUCKING COURSE the men involved are repugnant arseholes. That doesn't change anything though does it? The op wants advice on what SHE can do to stop it.

reading through the thread and in my early 40s, in my single years from 18 to 28, i have never been harassed or received any unwanted communication but im a total introvert and extremely shy.

i'm shocked but not surprised (if that makes sense) to read the posts here.

the audacity and lack of concern from these men, no shame - no care at all with regards to the consequence of their actions. completely out of order!!

that coach who sent op a d**k photo - that should have been reported to the club immediately, if things weren't heating up and it came totally out of nowhere, that's shocking!

You must learn to be more aloof around men. Unfortunately it's depressingly common for any female friendliness expressed towards males to go straight to their genitals. I'm in my mid sixties and thankfully exempt from the male gaze these days, but learnt to be aloof and frosty when young to prevent unwanted attention.

So you are extrapolating one man's behaviour to around 4 billion people!