Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick and tired of males pushing boundaries

200 replies

Mango182 · 30/12/2024 09:51

I am not encouraging shitty behaviour but it seems like being nice and friendly towards males is constantly getting me in uncomfortable places and I don't understand why it's happening.

I'm currently anxious and feeling really fucking fed up. I work with so many people. Male and female. I treat them all the same. Some I sit and drink tea with in the staff room and natter with. Some I will stop in the corridor and make chit chat like you'd do a auntie in asda. I am never ever flirtatious or suggestive. JUST NICE.

I've recently been messed about by a man I worked with who doesn't work there now. No problem. That was mutual and its done with. But I've made the silly mistake of talking to a man at work over a cuppa about the mistakes I've made with some humour thrown in. Other people were there. We all chatted like adults. He's been with his girlfriend 15 years. I know of her. So all is fine. He's always seemed normal. I asked him for some advice this week about a work issue as I was abit upset with the way something had been handled. Since then he's been messaging me daily. He's apparently thinking of me. He keeps asking if I have ten mins after work to see him. Today he's asked if I'm free at all. It's my day off and no I'm not! He's being creepily weird and I know he's testing the waters and I absolutely hate how shit it feels. He has started writing statuses on fb this week after 3 years of not posting. He's told me he's looked through my pictures and he would marry me if he was single.

I can't cope with this shit. I also gave my number to a local football coach in June. Married! I had to take my son out of coaching after 3 weeks because he was chasing me for sex.

I'm just starting to really hate men. I dont know how to handle this silly dick at work now either. What a twat to think it was at all appropriate. I have really ignored messages for hours and hours. If I don't reply the next day he pops up again. I try push it straight Into polite work chat again and he's pushing it. I don't want to feel uncomfortable. Please advise me. Am I to blame.

OP posts:
dancingcrabbs · 30/12/2024 10:30

Just be really fucking rude to him but as a ‘joke’ and ‘banter’, imply that he’d got fat over Christmas. But all in an HR friendly way.

that’ll do it.

Pixilicious1 · 30/12/2024 10:30

Mango182 · 30/12/2024 10:10

I hate the awkwardness. He's been nice and now he's crossed the line and made me feel so awkward. I dont know how to reply

Tell him this!
stop messaging me, you have become creepy, leave me alone.

he doesn’t care about your boundaries or feelings, why are you bothered about his?

Enterthedragonqueen · 30/12/2024 10:32

Somethings I've learnt over the years are:
a) not to have male friends - makes life simple
b) only speak to unrelated males in a group situation if absolutely necessary
c) seek a female out first for advice/ mentoring etc

I've experienced a similar situation to you and it's just not worth it. The men always eventually think something further will progress after you say hello. Some people might not agree with my method but it works for me.

CatsndtheBear · 30/12/2024 10:33

It is absolutely insane that people are inferring YOU must be doing something wrong or even that you should have to speak to him to tell him to stop.

All this "men are simple creatures" or the idea that if you smile and talk to them you are leading them on is best left in 1950.
We are in 2024 and men should accept that unless we explicitly state we are interested, don't bloody harass us.

ESPECIALLY if they are in a relationship and work with us!!!!

mnreader · 30/12/2024 10:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

W0tnow · 30/12/2024 10:33

ARealitycheck · 30/12/2024 10:00

Men are simple creatures. Just be honest with us. They showed interest, a simple not interested would suffice. Although if I was your line manager I'd be wondering unless there was something untoward going on, you felt the need to have them deal with somebody messaging you.

Show quote history

Oh fuck off. It’s hardly an innocent ‘oh they showed interest’. One was 30 years older, the other has a partner of 15 years. Fucking creeps.

And it’s perfectly normal to have group chats for sports purposes when young kids are involved. Everyone knows that.

MulledofKintyre · 30/12/2024 10:35

No advice, just solidarity. Last year I got some really creepy texts following a retirement party, from the colleague who was retiring. I was more than 40 years his junior. Of course I rejected and blocked but I felt very uncomfortable walking my usual route to work and ended up taking a different, much longer route for a while.

Nothing stops these men from trying, does it. Angry

Proteinbananas · 30/12/2024 10:35

Do NOT tell him you think you misled him - it doesn't sound like that's the case at all. Don't let him off the hook!

Tell him he's crossed a line and you don't have any interest in seeing him outside of work. Or if you don't feel able to do that then completely ignore him outside of work.

People are really doing some heavy lifting on here to try and make out you're at fault. Ignore them.

Original poster
Mango182 · 30/12/2024 10:35

Disturbia81 · 30/12/2024 10:27

And yeah it's weird that most people who do this to me are already in marriages and relationships, not single like you would expect. It's like it makes them more desperate

100% they want their security and they want to go out hunting and shagging still like bachelors. They are always so unhappy and not getting sex. It's always the wife who's not fussing them and they are sleeping on the sofas and wanking. But their wife probably isn't worth a bunch of flowers or a massage. They'd rather get a thrill knowing they can still poke someone else. It's vile. Marriage and commitment to this new world since phones. Its a joke.
I always say if they are doing this then it's what they would do with me anyway. But cannot state how much I don't fancy this dude. He looks scruffy but I looked beyond that and saw him as an intelligent person. But not now.

OP posts:
Tespo · 30/12/2024 10:36

Mango182 · 30/12/2024 10:14

Yep he sent me a dick pic that night! His wife was then stood next to me at football.

Show quote history

this is way out of line.
not your fault.
are there teenage girls playing at the club?

doesn't matter it is to a mum, that ought to be a reportable thing for a community sports coach and make him lose his position.

W0tnow · 30/12/2024 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

She literally said she removed her son from coaching because of him.

God, the lengths people go to to find an opportunity to criticise women when it’s the men behaving poorly is beyond a joke.

TenderChicken · 30/12/2024 10:36

But you haven't misled him, you've spent the whole thread telling us you haven't - so why would you say it?

Stop being nice when they cross a line. Say you don't want to meet up outside of work and ignore all messages going forward.

I can't believe you kept engaging with that football coach after he sent you dick pic. That's definitely a report to the umbrella organisation immediately offence.

Stop being afraid to enforce boundaries!

Catalogs · 30/12/2024 10:37

TLDR

Goast · 30/12/2024 10:37

Op, these men can sniff your people-pleasing tendencies a mile away. They can tell you have soft boundaries that they can try to push their way through and that you’ll struggle to push them away. You need to learn that you don’t need to be ‘nice’ with these kinds of men. You’re resisting telling him straight out that you’re not interested and to stop contacting you outside of work issues, because you don’t want to make things awkward or make him mad at you or not like you or whatever. This is exactly why you are hounded like this, because these men sense easy prey. I’m not victim blaming, you shouldn’t have to change, but the reality is we have to.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/12/2024 10:38

Op, these men are obviously absolute dickheads.

But why aren't you telling them no far far clearer and far far sooner.

Bob, this is totally inappropriate. You have a girlfriend/wife and I am not remotely interested anyway.

Heronwatcher · 30/12/2024 10:39

I’ve honestly never had this issue.

Slightest hint of anything inappropriate “Sorry, think you’ve got the wrong idea here. I am happily with a very nice partner and kids. Best if we stop messaging.”

Can be repeated orally too.

I think the issue is that if they’ve overstepped but you’ve continued contact even on a polite/ work chat level they (rightly/ wrongly) see that as a green light to continue.

Original poster
Mango182 · 30/12/2024 10:41

MulledofKintyre · 30/12/2024 10:35

No advice, just solidarity. Last year I got some really creepy texts following a retirement party, from the colleague who was retiring. I was more than 40 years his junior. Of course I rejected and blocked but I felt very uncomfortable walking my usual route to work and ended up taking a different, much longer route for a while.

Nothing stops these men from trying, does it. Angry

Bless you that sounds so uncomfortable. They are just disgusting. They latch on so easily and think they have the right to say stuff because of phones. He's messaged me the last 3 mornings and I hate it. I literally cringe. He said he felt sad I wasn't in. Then the next day he said he was thinking of me. Today its am I free and he slept on the couch last night. Is that meant to make me feel special that he's not laid in his bed do he's not next to his girlfriend. Wtf.

Awful you had to walk a different route. They should not be allowed to make women feel that intimidated

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/12/2024 10:42

It is absolutely insane that people are inferring YOU must be doing something wrong or even that you should have to speak to him to tell him to stop.

I think you've missed the point of what people are saying. Of course these two men are completely abhorrent. But it is the op who is posting and asking for advice/solidarity on how to deal with it. People are, ergo, telling the op what to do to make it stop.

Original poster
Mango182 · 30/12/2024 10:43

Tespo · 30/12/2024 10:36

this is way out of line.
not your fault.
are there teenage girls playing at the club?

doesn't matter it is to a mum, that ought to be a reportable thing for a community sports coach and make him lose his position.

Show quote history

Not 4 to 11 year old unisex. He was really good at the sessions I saw. But just ruined it for me. Felt he was using my son to get involved with me. When his wife chatted to me I thought I need out this situation

OP posts:
LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 30/12/2024 10:43

I’m not really sure why you’re getting a hard time here OP. Message back and say you’re not interested and if you need to then block him. Fuck what he thinks about it, he’s a creep.

I get it though- the second some men realise you’re a single mum they assume you’d be grateful for sex from them, even if they’re in a relationship. In fact, maybe their relationship status even gives them more of a boost? I don’t know but it’s creepy and revolting. I was chatting to one of the dads on the school playground once in a completely normal way I thought, and my partner showed up (we were taking my kids out after school and he’d just been finding somewhere to park) the guy apologised to my boyfriend for speaking to me. He didn’t even look at me or say anything to me. Boyfriend was totally confused.

unconditionalpurelove · 30/12/2024 10:43

Mango182 · 30/12/2024 10:14

Yep he sent me a dick pic that night! His wife was then stood next to me at football.

Show quote history

OMG WTAF!!

Original poster
Mango182 · 30/12/2024 10:44

TenderChicken · 30/12/2024 10:36

But you haven't misled him, you've spent the whole thread telling us you haven't - so why would you say it?

Stop being nice when they cross a line. Say you don't want to meet up outside of work and ignore all messages going forward.

I can't believe you kept engaging with that football coach after he sent you dick pic. That's definitely a report to the umbrella organisation immediately offence.

Stop being afraid to enforce boundaries!

My son was 6 and had his football boots and was the coaches daughters friend. I tried to.manage it so he could go play football.

OP posts:
skilpadde · 30/12/2024 10:45

But the silly twat hasn't worked out I'm pushing back communication because he's pushing for more than I want

It's not your fault when a man stupidly interprets your polite friendliness in an inappropriate way. Unfortunately, when it happens, you're going to have to close it down swiftly and firmly. This is not the time for gentle rebuffs. There have been posts with suggested wording from others upthread. Adapt those. Send him one clear message that this is unwelcome and inappropriate and he is not to contact you outside of work again. Keep a copy of the message, in case you need it later.

If, and only if, he ignores your clear message, you should report it, because it now counts as harassment. Your workplace has a responsibility to protect you from harassment.

Original poster
Mango182 · 30/12/2024 10:46

Goast · 30/12/2024 10:37

Op, these men can sniff your people-pleasing tendencies a mile away. They can tell you have soft boundaries that they can try to push their way through and that you’ll struggle to push them away. You need to learn that you don’t need to be ‘nice’ with these kinds of men. You’re resisting telling him straight out that you’re not interested and to stop contacting you outside of work issues, because you don’t want to make things awkward or make him mad at you or not like you or whatever. This is exactly why you are hounded like this, because these men sense easy prey. I’m not victim blaming, you shouldn’t have to change, but the reality is we have to.

You are right. I'm going to ignore him and if he asks I'm going to tell him. He finishes the same time as me so I'm going to have to start finishing slightly late so I don't get stuck in the carpark. He has started coming into the staffroom when I'm in there so unfortunately I think he will follow me on my breaks. But surely me ignoring him will make him click.

OP posts:
Wish44 · 30/12/2024 10:46

I have a friend who this sort of thing is always happening to. While I understand all her distress about them being creeps etc I also think she is part of the problem. She is a total people pleaser. So she is way nicer to plumbers/ football coaches etc than any other women. I have seen her do it… in pubs, cafes etc. I actually find it infuriating. Simple transactional conversations are always more than that with her. So fine if she wants to do that but then she complains that they respond with a more than transactional response.