Sick and tired of males pushing boundaries

[Mango182]

I am not encouraging shitty behaviour but it seems like being nice and friendly towards males is constantly getting me in uncomfortable places and I don't understand why it's happening.

I'm currently anxious and feeling really fucking fed up. I work with so many people. Male and female. I treat them all the same. Some I sit and drink tea with in the staff room and natter with. Some I will stop in the corridor and make chit chat like you'd do a auntie in asda. I am never ever flirtatious or suggestive. JUST NICE.

I've recently been messed about by a man I worked with who doesn't work there now. No problem. That was mutual and its done with. But I've made the silly mistake of talking to a man at work over a cuppa about the mistakes I've made with some humour thrown in. Other people were there. We all chatted like adults. He's been with his girlfriend 15 years. I know of her. So all is fine. He's always seemed normal. I asked him for some advice this week about a work issue as I was abit upset with the way something had been handled. Since then he's been messaging me daily. He's apparently thinking of me. He keeps asking if I have ten mins after work to see him. Today he's asked if I'm free at all. It's my day off and no I'm not! He's being creepily weird and I know he's testing the waters and I absolutely hate how shit it feels. He has started writing statuses on fb this week after 3 years of not posting. He's told me he's looked through my pictures and he would marry me if he was single.

I can't cope with this shit. I also gave my number to a local football coach in June. Married! I had to take my son out of coaching after 3 weeks because he was chasing me for sex.

I'm just starting to really hate men. I dont know how to handle this silly dick at work now either. What a twat to think it was at all appropriate. I have really ignored messages for hours and hours. If I don't reply the next day he pops up again. I try push it straight Into polite work chat again and he's pushing it. I don't want to feel uncomfortable. Please advise me. Am I to blame.

He messaged me on whatsapp. My kids play with his kids too. So he made normal conversation about the kids etc and arranging another day out at the park do they can play. Then gradually flirted a little. Then photos. Then oversharing. I wanted my son to enjoy football but after 3 weeks I realised it was not appropriate

OP I understand what you are saying. Please ignore the ‘helpful’ people on here who are seeking to blame you for a man’s shitty behaviour🙄 I was friendly with a guy a work who had a DS the same age as mine. It turned out both boys participated in the same local sporting activity each weekend. We exchanged numbers as he said it would be nice to meet up with the boys after the activity and go to a cafe for lunch. In the ensuing months he began messaging me about unrelated things, commenting on my appearance and asking what I was up to on a Friday night. I blocked him. What was depressing was the number of female friends who rolled their eyes and told me I was incredibly naive to exchange numbers, of course he was only interested in one thing etc. This was a married man with who seemed perfectly pleasant but apparently I was in the wrong for not realising you cannot possibly just be friendly with a guy.

So it’s not predatory men who are at fault, it’s us silly women who are too stupid to understand the dynamics at play and bring unwanted attention on ourselves (see also: women wearing provocative clothes, walking alone at night, leaving drinks unattended and being spiked)

Something does

YANBU.

She didn’t say that

she said she worked with him and really liked chatting to him before this as he is quite intelligent.

Yup.

I can't stand it. It then means you smile less at men, less chatty with them and the good ones wonder why women are cold.
But show some of them politeness, banter, smiles etc and they think you want to fuck them.

I love being a friendly person to everyone but have to alter myself

I know. I have been home with the kids and now back at work. I love chatting and see males and females I work with as either people I like to chat to or I don't. But when I say chat I just mean normal friendly chat. I hate that men think being I'm single I need a shag and they get all Disrespectful to their wives and partners. Plus they seem to think I want to be snagged and used or caught up in the shit storm of an affair. Which I don't. I find it all so disheartening. They are never single. But also I am never even looking at them like that.

I just need to stop trying to be friends with men. Clearly it's not possible.

These men are chancers. A firm stop this harassment or you will forward messages to their partner should bring an end to them.

You can't control what they do but you can react and shutting them down at the first sign is the way to go

@infestedsharks - she says it here!

are you just writing with an agenda without reading posts

It’s not op or other women to blame for certain predatory men’s’ behaviour

all she has done is speak to a colleague and a football coach about her sons football

The worst part is when I was ranting about the guy who messed me about this idiot at work said he's managed to get to 38 without making a woman feel uncomfortable. Or coming onto a woman when she's not interested. To then 1 week later be doing this to me!

Learn to communicate honestly.

" I m not looking for anything other than a polite working relationship. I like to keep work and private life completely separate. No doubt you and Jane do too". Thanks.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with shitty men. It's not your fault and it sucks.

With the work colleague: if you have not already done so, tell him once via whatever messaging system he is using to contact you, to stop. Be clear that his messages are inappropriate. Be sure that this is in writing.

If he continues or causes trouble, go to management ASAP with the screenshot of that message.

I know that you have had to do this before, but sadly there are many shitty men out there and being repeatedly sexually harassed at work is not uncommon. Your workplace needs to crack down on it.

She already said she took her son out of football.

They must be. I liked him as a pleasant person to sit in the staffroom with. I'd ask how his weekend was. How his girlfriend was. We'd grumble about the work load. I'd joke about my failed relationships. Mainly lately I've been talking to everyone about my new parrot! But now he's gone all soppy and weird letting me know he's thinking of me I feel one down from sick. I cringe and dread seeing him. But the silly twat hasn't worked out I'm pushing back communication because he's pushing for more than I want

You reply with

You've crossed a line. I'm not interested in anything other than a work colleague simple interaction. Stop messaging me now, I'm going to report and block you.

Blocked.

Simple. Why make such a big deal, oh my god I'm so sick of men waaaa no, this man has overstepped, put him back in the place you want him to be. Friend zone? Block zone. Simple.

And yeah it's weird that most people who do this to me are already in marriages and relationships, not single like you would expect. It's like it makes them more desperate

Could it be innocent? A coffee outside of work to see if you are ok after your initial conversation?

You're being very passive here.

You should have reported the football coach as soon as he sent the inappropriate picture. It's actually a crime and you could go to the police.

You're being sexually harassed at work. If I were you I'd join a union. Contact Acas for advice.

Don't get too friendly with men at work, there are some desperate men out there with few social skills. You need to knock this kind of thing on the head asap. Block him on social media and on your phone and keep a diary of his behaviour.

Tell him clearly that you're not interested.

I think I may have to. I'm not going to open his messages asking me if I'm free later ( why the fuck would I be meeting up with him) if I hear again I will tell him I feel I've mislead him and I'm not interested in men at the moment. I'm 35 so I'm attracting bored married men and old perverts. It's so depressing because I deserve so much better.