Sick and tired of males pushing boundaries

[Mango182]

I am not encouraging shitty behaviour but it seems like being nice and friendly towards males is constantly getting me in uncomfortable places and I don't understand why it's happening.

I'm currently anxious and feeling really fucking fed up. I work with so many people. Male and female. I treat them all the same. Some I sit and drink tea with in the staff room and natter with. Some I will stop in the corridor and make chit chat like you'd do a auntie in asda. I am never ever flirtatious or suggestive. JUST NICE.

I've recently been messed about by a man I worked with who doesn't work there now. No problem. That was mutual and its done with. But I've made the silly mistake of talking to a man at work over a cuppa about the mistakes I've made with some humour thrown in. Other people were there. We all chatted like adults. He's been with his girlfriend 15 years. I know of her. So all is fine. He's always seemed normal. I asked him for some advice this week about a work issue as I was abit upset with the way something had been handled. Since then he's been messaging me daily. He's apparently thinking of me. He keeps asking if I have ten mins after work to see him. Today he's asked if I'm free at all. It's my day off and no I'm not! He's being creepily weird and I know he's testing the waters and I absolutely hate how shit it feels. He has started writing statuses on fb this week after 3 years of not posting. He's told me he's looked through my pictures and he would marry me if he was single.

I can't cope with this shit. I also gave my number to a local football coach in June. Married! I had to take my son out of coaching after 3 weeks because he was chasing me for sex.

I'm just starting to really hate men. I dont know how to handle this silly dick at work now either. What a twat to think it was at all appropriate. I have really ignored messages for hours and hours. If I don't reply the next day he pops up again. I try push it straight Into polite work chat again and he's pushing it. I don't want to feel uncomfortable. Please advise me. Am I to blame.

Yeah I do try manage people but I've ignored him alot and he won't take the hint. But no more replies now. It's giving me the ick

I would be interested to know how many other women the football coach has sent unsolicited dick pics to. He needs reporting to the club and isn't it illegal now ? He shouldn't force your son to have to leave.

Don't apologise and don't say you feel you might have mislead him - you haven't. Don't give him the excuse to blame you for "mixed signals" when you've done nothing wrong.

I'd reply to him: This is a weird message to send me. I'll be back to work when I'm feeling better and I will catch up with you and the team then

Factual, calls him out on being creepy, makes it clear that he's not special.

Nope. We are allowed to live our lives and arrange activities for our children, thanks.

Honestly, the victim blaming on this thread. Surprised OP hasn't been asked what she was wearing.

Oh give over. Sometimes someone posts an essay on here with no paragraphs and barely any punctuation; those are hard to read.

The OP wrote 5 clearly expressed paragraphs and your contribution to her is TLDR??! Just scroll by!

Agree. It's perfectly normal to give out your number when arranging stuff - how on earth do you book deliveries, or car services, or the plumber coming round to sort the boiler?

This is all on creepy blokes who think that a woman smiling and being politely friendly, must immediately mean they are gagging for cock.

I've recently been messed about by a man I worked with who doesn't work there now. No problem. That was mutual and its done with. But I've made the silly mistake of talking to a man at work over a cuppa about the mistakes I've made with some humour thrown in. Other people were there. We all chatted like adults.

Was this "messed about" conversation about work issues or a romantic issue? If the latter, don't bring this stuff up with work colleagues. Your work colleague in question is a wanker, not excusing him, but these men take any chink in your armour as an invitation, so don't give them an opening (obviously if this was a work related conversation, you have done absolutely nothing wrong).

If the coach is sending you dick picks on a phone number you gave an org for football coaching reasons, he is misusing your data. I'd also say he is walking the line on safeguarding, as he is sending you unsolicited pornographic images, which is an offence (I believe it's categorised as cyber-flashing). So report him to his superiors and the police. Women can moan about this stuff or take a hard line and shut it down.

I would guess he's abit of a serial one. Because there's nothing out the ordinary about me. He was abnormally large and I think that's possibly why he does it. Thinks he's going to get a big reaction. The sad thing is most women want to be respected not fucked. Most women want someone who cares about their wellbeing and wants to help them. But these men think we just want to fuck all emotions off. I hate men at the moment.

For @Summerhillsquare and all the other people who can't read the op...

I don't want to feel uncomfortable. Please advise me.

No one is 'victim blaming'. The op asked what she should do. People are advising her what she should do.

Whats TDRL?

Why has he got your number? If it’s your personal number then just block and stop giving out your number. Same of socials block and don’t have work colleagues on there. If it is a works phone and the messages are inappropriate then tell ho
of he continues then you will have to report and do report.

TLDR = too long, don't read

No, @Mango182 , this won’t work. It is not your fault he’s doing this, but you are not helping yourself here.

He has already wildly misinterpreted a work conversation in which you asked for advice, and taken that as a green flag to send you several inappropriate messages.

He’s so obtuse, he’ll interpret your lack of messages and physical avoidance as shy flirtation.

Don’t wait until he gets worse and only then, if he asks, “tell him”. That’ll just become a horrible “he said, she said” monster. It will make things worse.

Send a clear message in writing, to STOP. Shelve that desire to be nice and polite and pleasant.

Do it now.

Because he’s a man😞

I would just reply
' Oh FGs , you have the wrong idea, based on a friendly chat we had , that when x and y were there ? Stop messaging!

Oh they must be challenged if that's too long. If it's boring then scroll on lol.

1. You did not mislead him. The blame is all his because he has taken the slightest bit of neutral courtesy as a come-on. Could you rephrase it as 'you seem to have misinterpreted basic civility' or similar?
2. Yes you do deserve better, we all do.

Please report that football coach to the club and to the FA.

Totally agree. When I was younger I was naturally friendly and chatty to everyone, just my personality. Had to start being way more reserved and careful due to the unwanted male attention (even in the years when I was clearly married and not at all interested in other men!). Some of them were married in in LTR's. Some of the men had even met my husband and still tried it on. I'm a very average looking woman and not at all 'flirty', there was nothing I did to encourage them, just normal friendly chit-chat.

Now in my 50's and whilst still approachable and friendly I know I also have a slightly 'formidable' reputation at work and I doubt very much any man would try it on. Outside of work, getting older helps as you do become a bit invisible, which is a bit sad in its own way.

OP, I think women who are single parents definitely get targeted more. I agree, you deserve more. And ignore the ridiculous posters blaming you for shitty male behaviour (which does seem to have got worse due to technology allowing ever increasing ways to harass women). Dick pics are vile.

I feel you, OP - I've had to change my behaviour, routine, hobbies, friendships and children's activities because of men being dicks.

And for all the suggestions of "You need to be clearer - and sooner!" the woman is often the one (as we can see from some of the dickheads on this thread) who's seen as the issue, especially when it's happened repeatedly.

Men like this can often use our boundaries to make us look like 'the bitch' in the situation. It's shitty and unfair, and nowhere near as simple as some make out.

And the minute he asked for sex - get a message papertrail and then screen shot and report. Be careful about what you say in yours.

message to him ‘I don’t know what I’ve done to imply I am interested in being anymore than a work colleague. But that’s it. A work colleague. Not interested in a relationship’.

any more messages - just screen shot and HR.

The problem is that it can be really hard to send the kind of abrupt message that is obviously needed. It feels rude & unkind to someone who obviously likes you. So you hint & ignore, and they continue to trample your boundaries.

You need to get past this. HE is the inappropriate one. HE is upsetting you. If he’s somehow got the wrong idea it’s better to set him straight.

’Your messages are unwanted & are making me uncomfortable. Please don’t contact me again.’

Then block/unfriend him.

Oh this has brought back a memory for me, I was nonplussed by the situation.

I was a librarian back in the day at a small library in a Northern town. It was a real community, we did events, author readings, weekly coffee mornings, children's activity sessions etc etc. So a very friendly and welcoming environment.

One of our readers was, still is, an artist. She was just beginning to get the recognition she deserved for some illustrations of fantasy novels and offered to put on an exhibition of her work in the library with an event.
I love the novels, so did one of our regular borrowers so we always chatted when he came in, recommended other authors etc. I really liked talking to him.

This man always came in with his wife and 2 sons, I talked to his wife as we were both vegetarian, a rare phenomenon at that time. So I felt that the family were my 'friends'.

After the exhibition this man came in to the library on his own and asked me to go out to dinner with him in a nearby city. My colleague said that she thought he was giving me bad news as I looked absolutely shocked and devastated. Obviously I refused and he became really cross and stormed out.

For more background, I'm a lesbian and my then partner was at the event and we stood and chatted with the man and his wife!

I had never flirted with him or given him any indication of a sexual interest in him at all.
What was he thinking?
It was very awkward when the family came in together.

Sorry that was an essay, I could add more examples, my wife said I'm too friendly with everyone but women haven't usually tries it on with me!

Agree.

Every time you feel awkward or worried, remind yourself that these blokes aren't exactly agonising over whether they have offended you by assuming that you must want to shag them.

OP, next time he messages, just tell him "This is inappropriate - please stop texting me." The end.

As for that football coach... I'd bet my mortgage you will not have been the first or last mum he will have sent dick pics to. I would 100% have reported him. I would have contacted all the other people on this group chat to see if similar had happened to them. He is wholly inappropriate and using his access to children to prey on their mums! He needs to be stopped. Call him out publicly today. Wtf.