Sick and tired of males pushing boundaries

[Mango182]

I am not encouraging shitty behaviour but it seems like being nice and friendly towards males is constantly getting me in uncomfortable places and I don't understand why it's happening.

I'm currently anxious and feeling really fucking fed up. I work with so many people. Male and female. I treat them all the same. Some I sit and drink tea with in the staff room and natter with. Some I will stop in the corridor and make chit chat like you'd do a auntie in asda. I am never ever flirtatious or suggestive. JUST NICE.

I've recently been messed about by a man I worked with who doesn't work there now. No problem. That was mutual and its done with. But I've made the silly mistake of talking to a man at work over a cuppa about the mistakes I've made with some humour thrown in. Other people were there. We all chatted like adults. He's been with his girlfriend 15 years. I know of her. So all is fine. He's always seemed normal. I asked him for some advice this week about a work issue as I was abit upset with the way something had been handled. Since then he's been messaging me daily. He's apparently thinking of me. He keeps asking if I have ten mins after work to see him. Today he's asked if I'm free at all. It's my day off and no I'm not! He's being creepily weird and I know he's testing the waters and I absolutely hate how shit it feels. He has started writing statuses on fb this week after 3 years of not posting. He's told me he's looked through my pictures and he would marry me if he was single.

I can't cope with this shit. I also gave my number to a local football coach in June. Married! I had to take my son out of coaching after 3 weeks because he was chasing me for sex.

I'm just starting to really hate men. I dont know how to handle this silly dick at work now either. What a twat to think it was at all appropriate. I have really ignored messages for hours and hours. If I don't reply the next day he pops up again. I try push it straight Into polite work chat again and he's pushing it. I don't want to feel uncomfortable. Please advise me. Am I to blame.

Just tell him to fuck off then block him.

I was shocked at the amount of victim blaming going on earlier on in the thread, then went back and saw it was all from one poster and all of their posts have since been deleted.

First rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

Sorry this is happening to you OP, it IS sad that so many men are sex obsessed and incapable of understanding boundaries. The coach and colleague are being extremely unprofessional. As pp have said, men force women to be stand-offish through their own behaviour.

Calm down. It was a simple misunderstanding, as I stated.

You are getting some weird responses OP. Of course it's going to sting a bit if you think you are developing a genuine friendship with someone and meanwhile they are working out how much time and effort to invest to get into your knickers.

If it's any consolation it ceases to happen so much and/or your spidey senses kick in a lot earlier once you get older.

@Mango182 the better you get at rebuffs the less of a problem it will be for you and you won't have to put up with this crap in the first place.

You appear to be ignoring the good advice you are receiving here. Tell him straight you find his behaviour inappropriate and to stop messaging you. Don't leave room for doubt. Ignoring him is immature and like game playing if you've previously been speaking with him as normal and you will encounter him at work anyway.

Did you show it to her?

if I hear again I will tell him I feel I've mislead him and I'm not interested in men at the moment.

FFS NO NO NO OP! 🙈 You are NOT to blame! Do NOT say this!!!!!!!!!!

Why are you being so passive!!! He is pushing boundaries so you need to assert them.

What the pp ^^ said about "you have crossed a boundary and I am not interested in you and wish to keep work separate".

Ugh. I experienced things like this when I became a single mum years ago. Men who had behaved perfectly normal with me prior, suddenly started to be creepy AF.

And I remember a mum from my child's school who I was friendly with, was going through a break up herself with her husband- who wasn't taking it well. He was heartbroken, and though she was determined that the relationship was over, she was really struggling with the guilt of seeing him so devastated at the family splitting up. One day, she got caught up at work and asked if I could pick up her DC from school with mine, and keep them with me. I said she could give her ex my number to arrange pick up when he finished work. All was sorted, no issues.

Within days, she was still telling me how upset he was etc and I was getting texts from him propositioning me for sex.

could you have commented on the what's app group, made up mostly I presume I'd football mums, about men sending sick pics?

you can bet others on there have received it

I've rarely had these experiences. Maybe 4 times in my life (I'm now 50). I think you're more attractive to the opposite sex than you realise.
By the way, I'm not blaming you for their disgusting behaviour. What kind of married creep sends a sick pick to the mother of a child they're coaching? I actually think this is a very serious breach of conduct, and you should report it to the police. There's no way I'd want my son being taught by a man like this. It seems like you "solved" the problem by leaving the football club but you need to start reporting these things.

First of all don't say to any of these men that you feel like you have mislead them. You have not. If they take you being nice a wrong way that's on them. I think you could probably start being more assertive and worry less about being nice. Don't feel bad about shutting down any man behaving inappropriately.

You haven’t don’t anything and you aren’t at fault but they are I’ll push until you push back (unfortunately).

Make it clear with a ‘okay enough is enough. Your texts are inappropriate and making me very uncomfortable. I don’t feel the same nor will I ever. We work together and I would hope for this pint forward you act professionally. If you continue this unwanted and I appropriate behaviour I will have to speak to HR’.

How awful! I had this problem in my 20’s and handled it so badly that I shudder now. I was deep in a ‘people pleasing’ and massive insecurity mode and men could smell it on me somehow - knew i wouldn’t have the tools to protect myself. Unfortunately the only solution is abrupt, sharp reprimands. ‘No I am not free’ ‘why are you messaging me this, I don’t need to know’ ‘you are verging on inappropriate and I don’t want to report you, but I will if this doesn’t stop’ ‘I am not interested in you’

Once you get into that head space, the messages stop. I no longer gave off whatever vibe I did before and that was that. Good luck

Since you're asking for advice, I wouldn’t just ignore this and hope he gets the message. Men that pushy tend not to.
And accept absolutely NO blame for any of his behaviour.
He is the one who has crossed lines continuously, culminating in an obscene and illegal dick pic.
I think it would be helpful for you to find some anger about this.
How dare he presume that you're available and interested? Just because you have some friendly discussions. No fucking way.
And once you've found your righteous and justified anger, express some of it to him.
Ice cold and threatening (after all, you could have him prosecuted for the pic, plus get him in the shit at work) or, if you feel like it, shout at him. Men like this rely on women being embarrassed and shamed. Don't be. Let him have it, preferably in a public place.

This ^

Ignoring him is not saying no & you have to say no.

Make it clear that these messages are inappropriate & that you want him to stop.

Do it via text, so that you have it written down & have proof.

If he continues, tell him you’ll take it to HR & then do so.

So sorry about some of the people on here blaming you for men's horrible behaviour. No, it's not your fault that a man (WITH A GIRLFRIEND NO LESS) is coming onto you. No, you aren't stupid/leading him on for being polite. Obviously it's difficult for you to be blunt with him and just ask him to stop messaging as that will make things awkward at work. He's put you in a shitty uncomfortable situation and it makes sense that you're upset and uncomfortable. That's entirely on him, not you. 'Just be clear with him' you are being bloody clear with him, he's bombarding you with endless messages.

To clarify: their behaviour is NOT NORMAL. It's totally ok for your colleague to have a little crush on you. No one is criticising him for that, and you definitely aren't criticising him. The problem isn't the crush, it's him endlessly texting you weird stuff when you very clearly aren't reciprocating.

Like others, I would send him a message like, 'all your messages are making me very uncomfortable, please stop messaging me'. If he's got a shred of decency he'll apologise for his behaviour and leave you alone. It sucks that you have to text him that message though, I'm really sorry he put you in that position.

Absolutely. ‘If anyone else on this group has received unsolicited explicit photos, can you please message me privately. Thank you.’

and to the work colleague. ‘Stop sending me these inappropriate messages. Jesus.’

A simple ‘not interested’ didn’t work with some of the men I’ve had to deal with. Some turned a bit mean when I said no, other persevered for unreasonable periods of time. And why do we have to spell out that we’re not interested to the point of coming across as rude, why can’t men also take the very obvious hints (for e.g us not responding to their messages or ignoring drink invites).

My most recent example is a carpenter who did some work for me. He was in my house telling me all about his wife’s job, etc, and then as soon as he left he started messaging me, initially to pretend he’s forgotten tools at my place and to ask me to look for them, then to check the work he’d done for me was ok, then to tell me how impressed he was that a single (he was fishing there) woman like me had done so much to her house by herself, etc. Although I did suspect what he was getting at I was couldn’t just say ‘I’m not interested’ as he didn’t actually ask me out until several messages later, so I had to choose between ignoring his messages (which i find v uncomfortable, I hate being rude to people) or telling him that I’m not interested only for him to gaslight me and tell me that he was just being polite and I’m overreacting. Anyway, I don’t know why i mentioned this. I was offended that a married man thought I was such a shitty person as to consider an affair with him. But my point is that men should take the hints before they put us in uncomfortable situations. I think they must get the hints but they insist and insist because they, in their arrogance, think that we’d say yes.

Of course there are very decent men out there, but it takes a few of the others to make you feel drained

I read the comments here and think why is my experience working with men so different. I’ve never been sent a dic pic, I’ve never been approached in a non professional way.I had a perfect pleasant lunch with a male work colleague before Christmas and I work with manly men. To be honest, I find it harder to work with women than I do men.
I’ve had men say to me ‘I don’t see you as women but as a colleague’ which is odd as I look and sound very female. I’m an 5’5 averagely attractive female with a 36 chest.
it is something I’ve pondered a lot. Do I just not see it?
I’m not saying AT ALL, that it doesn’t happen, but just curious as to why it doesn’t happen to me.

Have dealt with many men like this too when I was single (for some reason less so when I’m not… as if blokes respect each other not to go after other guys girlfriends..)

ultimately they are in the wrong. I would message them and say: look dude, I thought you were friendly but this is going into a direction Im not interested in. You have a wife and this is inappropriate. Im happy being friendly at work but it stays at that. If you try cross the line again I will block you.

if it then happens again, say: once more and I will inform your wife. Don’t be a dick.

3rd time… report or inform the wife. You’ve given warning.

Many men are chancers.. don’t overshare with them xx

Most Some men presume women are just like them. A man wouldn’t talk to a woman just to have a chat. He’d talk in the hope of getting his leg over or at minimum because he wants an ego boost. The idea that a woman is just chatting to them like they’d chat to another woman is completely alien to them. They only chat to women for one purpose, so assume women do the same.

Like a previous poster, I’ve found it’s easier to keep them at arm’s length. Don’t chat, no matter how innocuous. Keep interactions brief, terse and only as necessary.

Report the pathetic dick pic tw*t, and block the other guy.

I totally hear you OP and it's ridiculous. I've had several men at work do it over the years. I'll meet them in a professional capacity, maybe get on well and have a bit of banter but ZERO flirting then suddenly I'm getting random messages throughout the day. I did report one guy to his manager as he got extremely inappropriate but the others weren't outwardly bad just...they wouldn't be messaging a male colleague at 9pm asking what they were up to after meeting them once

But my point is that men should take the hints before they put us in uncomfortable situations. I think they must get the hints but they insist and insist because they, in their arrogance, think that we’d say yes.

And they think we'd say yes not just through arrogance. Some women end up saying yes because they are embarrassed for the man, and don't want him to feel bad! Truly, I have witnessed this. So men keep up the sex-pesting because their prey might just give in, and they don't care if there is no feeling other than pity. They still get the fuck.

Apologies for being so frank. I do wish I was not so cynical.

Shut it down, it's not that difficult. Men push boundaries with women they think will put up with it.

He would have got a message 'I suggest you stop messaging me on a personal level or I will have to tell you girlfriend of 15 years how inappropriate you are being'