Sick and tired of males pushing boundaries

[Mango182]

I am not encouraging shitty behaviour but it seems like being nice and friendly towards males is constantly getting me in uncomfortable places and I don't understand why it's happening.

I'm currently anxious and feeling really fucking fed up. I work with so many people. Male and female. I treat them all the same. Some I sit and drink tea with in the staff room and natter with. Some I will stop in the corridor and make chit chat like you'd do a auntie in asda. I am never ever flirtatious or suggestive. JUST NICE.

I've recently been messed about by a man I worked with who doesn't work there now. No problem. That was mutual and its done with. But I've made the silly mistake of talking to a man at work over a cuppa about the mistakes I've made with some humour thrown in. Other people were there. We all chatted like adults. He's been with his girlfriend 15 years. I know of her. So all is fine. He's always seemed normal. I asked him for some advice this week about a work issue as I was abit upset with the way something had been handled. Since then he's been messaging me daily. He's apparently thinking of me. He keeps asking if I have ten mins after work to see him. Today he's asked if I'm free at all. It's my day off and no I'm not! He's being creepily weird and I know he's testing the waters and I absolutely hate how shit it feels. He has started writing statuses on fb this week after 3 years of not posting. He's told me he's looked through my pictures and he would marry me if he was single.

I can't cope with this shit. I also gave my number to a local football coach in June. Married! I had to take my son out of coaching after 3 weeks because he was chasing me for sex.

I'm just starting to really hate men. I dont know how to handle this silly dick at work now either. What a twat to think it was at all appropriate. I have really ignored messages for hours and hours. If I don't reply the next day he pops up again. I try push it straight Into polite work chat again and he's pushing it. I don't want to feel uncomfortable. Please advise me. Am I to blame.

I went through this in my 30's and 40's OP. Rarely at work, where my personality came across differently, but out of work. Dog walkers, postmen, neighbours. I thought I was just having superficial friendly chats, while my dog had a great time with his doggy mates! It was very clear I wasn't single, in my case.
I love being in my 50's - you suddenly become invisible 🙂
It's not you OP - it's chancers and inflated egos.
Shut them down, and don't give them headspace. Be yourself.
(Please don't apologise for 'giving the wrong impression' - you are not to blame and excuses their behaviour).

Yes, I feel the same. I'm reasonably attractive but have never really had men hit on me in this way (well, just a few instances in my entire life). I have many male friends and all my male work colleagues have been fantastic. They treat me respectfully as a normal human being rather than as someone to try and get into bed.
It blows my mind that a child's football coach would send a sick pic!!
Like you, I wonder why some women get treated so differently. Is it simply a case that they're more attractive or have a certain X factor that makes them irresistible? Or is it that men sense a vulnerability in some women and feel they can exploit this to get what they want? I also sometimes wonder if it's personality. Whilst I look feminine, I suppose I could be seen as one of the lads. I grew up with brothers and have quite a male sense of humour. Perhaps regardless of my feminine looks, men see me in a matey way because of how I am. Maybe some women are overtly feminine and get more attention.

They are harassing you and you need to assert and define your boundaries. Ignoring them won’t work. You need to state clearly and definitively what contact is appropriate and what it is not. Inappropriate contact, conversations and behaviour should be reported at work and in formal social settings (the football club).

It is always better for you to assert your boundaries than for someone else in authority to do it. But sometimes you need their support directly or indirectly. You should always challenge and report inappropriate behaviour, even if you can deal with it. The next person might not be able to deal with it.

In the case of a football coach being sexually inappropriate, of course you should report this. It is a safeguarding issue for someone who is in a privileged position with children. Sending dick pictures is evidence of risk taking, harassment and unwanted sexual contact. If the coach doesn’t know that then he should find out now.

My only advice for you in terms of setting boundaries is to be aware of your own professional boundaries. We all have to leave some things at the door of office and clubs. Or limit how and when they are shared. It shouldn’t be that way but it is. It applies to men and women.

There are predators out there. They are looking for vulnerable people who can be easily exploited and harassed. It is the act of harassment- control that is their objective. it’s not (just) about starting a relationship or getting you into bed.

We have all got to play a part in stopping this by reporting it, and challenging it properly. It is a personal decision as to whether you also take precautions to keep these people at bay with how you reveal information about yourself.

I’m with you. I don’t think it’s actually anything to do with attractiveness, I think it’s to do with personality ‘softness’ and poor boundaries. There are predators in either sex and they seem to have a gift at picking a target. This target engages with them, listens to their stories, responds to calls/messages when they don’t really want to, don’t report or block things when they should, etc.

I’m not victim blaming - these guys are creeps… but (OP) you need to do some self reflection as to why you are continually having these negative interactions. Why are you over sharing in the lunch room? Why are you responding to a colleague on social media? Why are you so passive and afraid to just block someone? Why wouldn’t you report an unsolicited dick pic and instead choose to deprive your son of his sport? Again, these guys are creeps, but there are plenty of good men out there and they aren’t messaging people on social media or following you around at work. Why are you wasting your time replying to the creeps?

Ask him to stop messaging you or you will text his girlfriend!

I am too nice. I need to seriously sort myself out as 3 men in a year is just awful. 2 of them gross. The man 30 years older. Married. Huge gut. Front tooth missing. The one my age. Beard and tash so long it's plaited and can't see his teeth. Long straggly hair in a ponytail. Just not my type. Football coach not so bad but I'm still not into it. I want to be liked as a whole person not for what's in-between my legs.

I'm sad to see how many women this happens to.
I think for the lady saying it doesn't happen to her and she's OK looking. It's probably you have clear boundaries and are in a male environment where I presume you need to be strong as a female. My environment is more a health and social care setting. Most the males are gay and amazing men and workers. The few that are heterosexual are doing very basic things like laundry (which is a very important role in itself to keep it running) I think he's naturally not a fulfilled man and I have stupidly given him something to wake him up again which I didn't want to. I will sort it out though now. Can't have it anymore. Its not fair on me when I have to deal with these u comfortable situations

When you do the job I do death and illness we get very close and we are open and talk. We are very close to the people we are on shift with often in a double up with a person all week. It's just the bond we have. We have to look after eachother anyway which 99% if the time works.

This - I know it doesn’t help now but there does come a time when you become invisible and it’s bliss . You also do realise though that men in general become a lot less helpful and pleasant

Re the football coach. Isn't sending a dick pic now considered a criminal offence? If so, I'd be reporting him. It's disgusting.

Please don't tell him that you may have misled him!! That is a green light to anyone who wants to blame you for this situation and it is not true. You did not mislead him.

Firmly tell him to stop. Use the word inappropriate. Save further messges from him to show HR.

You sound lovely, OP. But do not be lovely about this. Don't try to spare his feelings or avoid. It will only encourage his behaviour. He has no respect for you. He will respect HR, and possibly the implied threat of HR that the word 'inappropriate' carries.

The issue here is predatory behaviour. Which whilst it isn’t limited to men, there is evidence that in some male environments it is promoted and talked about as being normal or expected. Often it is tested in banter and jokes and it is reinforced in stereotypes. A lot of men and women let this stuff go unchallenged.

A predator will be constantly sifting information about someone from a lot of sources. It’s not just limited to their direct interactions. They will pick up on what other people say about you as well.

They are looking for people who are easily isolated and who may be vulnerable. Who fit with their sterotypes and prejudices. A single mother is a stereotypical trope to them. Incorrectly they assume they are looking for someone especially if they are coming out of a messy relationship. They want to exploit what they assume is a vulnerability.

And for the true misogynist nearly all women are vulnerable and needy and desperate. They will avoid confident and assertive women if they can but it isn’t a shield. If they decide to harass you they will.

Do NOT tell him you think you have misled him FFS!

Apart from the dick pic, the best thing to do is ghost them. They soon get the message.

The dick pic needs formal complaint. That is the pits.

I would have shown it to his wife there and then.

This is a good reply!

In addition, I’d screenshot the messages so that if this guy deletes them, you still have evidence if he continues to harass you or becomes unpleasant in response. Make sure to screenshot your reply too so it can be seen that you have made yourself clear.

I just don't get why men - not all men but it is alWAYS men - behave like this. It's almost like they're just waiting for the opportunity to "have a go and see if they get a shag out of it". Shades of all those men who willingly raped Gisele Pelicot, many of whom seemed to have a defence of "Well I wasn't keen on the idea" with the "But I had a go anyway" left unsaid.

You have to be absolutely blunt, OP. "I'm not interested and I don't know why you thought you could push the boundaries of a friendship like this. Stop messaging me because this is highly inappropriate and unwanted behaviour. Shame on you." But be prepared for the push back: the accusations of being frigid/uptight/humourless, or that "I wasn't interested anyway". Their tiny little ego just got bruised and they'll want to make you pay for that.

Whatever you do, stop apologising and blaming yourself. Women are not responsible for the behaviour of men.

OP has the right to work and plan activities for her children without sexual harassment. From what she's already said, it's happened a few times and it must be bloody tiresome. Honestly OP, ignore the commenters on here who seem to think this is part of being a female. I'm sure they wouldn't find it as acceptable if it was their daughter or neice, being contacted.

I'm sorry, but you need to learn not to be "friendly" with people at work. No sharing of private information, no emotional chats. Its never a good thing, not just with males - with anyone.

With this guy, I'm sure a nice and polite "I respect you as a colleague but I'm not interested in anything else" should do the trick?

It always amazes me how men interpret any degree of kindness as sexual interest.

Baffling!

I remember walking back to my apartment after a night out. A bloke was sat outside a pizza place with people. He said hello to me and I nodded in response.

For some reason he took that as a come on for him to follow me home!

A lot of us meet our friends through work.

That needs reporting to the club asap. Explain why you felt you had to remove your son.

And like you I get DEEPLY offended when men in relationships hit on me.

Massively so. Like they have zero to offer except for dick and why do they think that would interest me?!

We live in a society that always seeks to blame women for men’s choice to be inappropriate. So now you are to blame for reasonable sharing contact details with your son’s coach like any other parent!

You are right. I'm going to ignore him and if he asks I'm going to tell him. He finishes the same time as me so I'm going to have to start finishing slightly late so I don't get stuck in the carpark. He has started coming into the staffroom when I'm in there so unfortunately I think he will follow me on my breaks. But surely me ignoring him will make him click.

Ignoring him is not a sufficient response. No, it won't work for him to 'click' and get the hint.
No, you don't have to start finishing later or avoiding the staffroom or carpark.

It is no good just hinting or ignoring or ghosting or blocking or avoiding meeting, and hoping the problem goes away.
You have to send an actual message, polite but firm, saying he is being inappropriate.

You have to get over your fear of being "rude", of feeling awkward, your people-pleasing tendencies, your inability to just tell the truth. Just send the message.

The downside of having a lovely friendly chatty personality is that you need to get used to sending direct and honest messages to men who over-step.

I would message him and say well you’re not single so probably best you stop messaging me. You can always block him. Be careful not to overshare. Keep your private life private. Some men are to trying with anyone whether they are in a relationship or not. Be picky with friendships and dating. How did the football coach go from yes bring sonny to training next week to here is a dick pick. That’s quite a jump. He should have just kept messaging in the group chat no need for private messages. Boundaries in place is essential.

Surely men aren't that simple that they can't take the hint when a woman isn't interested? Or do they think that by pushing and pursuing, the woman will just fold and agree to...do whatever it is they want?