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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married when I earn more/own property?

179 replies

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 08:36

just that really. Have always wanted to get married to my partner of 10 years, we have 2 children together so I’d like the same last name. However, I own the house we live in solely and he is not in a good position financially- debt, won’t be able to buy a house together for a very long time etc…

OP posts:
FloordrobeIsGoingToGetME · 30/12/2024 08:45

What's caused his debt if you are in a good position and he's your long term partner?

Bad management, bad decisions, bad luck?

Are your financial values uneven?

HermioneWeasley · 30/12/2024 08:46

You would be very foolish to do this. You can change your name to anything you want without being married.

Guavafish1 · 30/12/2024 08:46

I wouldn’t … marriage is a financial contract please get financial advice first.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2024 08:46

No you would be very foolish to do this.

Marriage is insurance for people with poor earnings prospects or for people who may have to take a long time off work (particularly mums). That’s all it is.

If you own property you stand to lose all of that if you get married. That’s much more important than whether you share a surname.

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 30/12/2024 08:48

As someone who has just had to pay my cheating ex husband nearly 100k when he contributed financially zero to our lives... my advice is do NOT do it!

Change your name by deed poll if you want to. But you risk 50 percent of everything you own and it's entirely out of your control.

Billydavey · 30/12/2024 08:51

Need a bit more info
who earns what? Who contributes what?

could be you need to protect your assets from a feckless cocklodger. Could be you’ve been forcing him to pay your mortgage leaving him penniless…

Original poster
ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 08:51

Thanks all I thought that would be the general consensus! Yes bad decisions, he was in a bad place mentally a few years ago so spent a lot of money on the wrong things - we don’t share finances with each other in detail, have separate bank accounts etc so I was unaware until around a year ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 08:52

He pays half the bills and a bit towards the mortgage but I pay majority. He actually earns more than me but after all debt payments, money to me, phone bills, half towards food shop etc he really doesn’t have anything.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlonk · 30/12/2024 08:54

Why do you want to get married?

TomorrowTodayYesterday · 30/12/2024 08:54

If this was the other way round and it was a man with assets and a woman with nothing, every post would be telling the OP to marry him ASAP to protect themselves.

I'm embarrassed to be a woman sometimes.

Original poster
ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 08:55

@SauvignonBlonk for commitment I suppose, although I’m aware 2 kids is a commitment in itself. Same last name as the kids, to wear a nice white wedding dress..

OP posts:
Billydavey · 30/12/2024 08:56

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 08:52

He pays half the bills and a bit towards the mortgage but I pay majority. He actually earns more than me but after all debt payments, money to me, phone bills, half towards food shop etc he really doesn’t have anything.

He pays towards the mortgage and you’ve been together 10 years but he has no legal share in the house? How has that come about?

Moonwalkies · 30/12/2024 08:56

TomorrowTodayYesterday · 30/12/2024 08:54

If this was the other way round and it was a man with assets and a woman with nothing, every post would be telling the OP to marry him ASAP to protect themselves.

I'm embarrassed to be a woman sometimes.

Well yes, but I'm sure his mates would be telling him not to just as people are telling OP here it'd be a terrible idea.

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/12/2024 08:57

What does your partner think about this given he has little legal protection should you split up?

StopStartStop · 30/12/2024 08:57

HermioneWeasley · 30/12/2024 08:46

You would be very foolish to do this. You can change your name to anything you want without being married.

This.

EauNeu · 30/12/2024 08:57

TomorrowTodayYesterday · 30/12/2024 08:54

If this was the other way round and it was a man with assets and a woman with nothing, every post would be telling the OP to marry him ASAP to protect themselves.

I'm embarrassed to be a woman sometimes.

When the woman has nothing because she's raising the man's children full time?

You're embarrassed to be a woman? What a disgusting thing to say

sweetpickle2 · 30/12/2024 08:59

TomorrowTodayYesterday · 30/12/2024 08:54

If this was the other way round and it was a man with assets and a woman with nothing, every post would be telling the OP to marry him ASAP to protect themselves.

I'm embarrassed to be a woman sometimes.

This isn’t the same- in those instances it’s usually because the woman has quit work to raise their children. I can’t see that’s the case here?

OP I am your partner in my relationship (except we don’t have kids)- live together, I pay my half of the mortgage and bills, partner owns the house solely in his name as past debts mean I couldn’t get a mortgage. I would like to marry him but understand it would expose him financially so we aren’t.

Original poster
ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 08:59

@Billydavey i only bought the house 3 years ago when our second child was born, he just gives me a set amount of money each month. Not just what you mean about the legality of it?

OP posts:
Truetoself · 30/12/2024 09:00

So would pp give the same advise if tje genders were reversed? I think you would all be saying to get some security etc

MatildaTheCat · 30/12/2024 09:00

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 08:51

Thanks all I thought that would be the general consensus! Yes bad decisions, he was in a bad place mentally a few years ago so spent a lot of money on the wrong things - we don’t share finances with each other in detail, have separate bank accounts etc so I was unaware until around a year ago.

I wouldn’t get married because of this last comment. Together 10years and only aware of his massive financial cock ups for one year? I suspect you still don’t have the full truth.

Stay together by all means and change names if you wish but I would be having a cards on the table conversation about financial transparency and plans to resolve these issues. What would happen if you got sick or something and couldn’t work? Could he support the family? Are there more debts? Ongoing spending?

Billydavey · 30/12/2024 09:01

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 08:59

@Billydavey i only bought the house 3 years ago when our second child was born, he just gives me a set amount of money each month. Not just what you mean about the legality of it?

He’s paying towards a house he has no share of. If the house is all in your name (you say I bought it) then it’s really unfair he’s contributing but has no share

did younlive together before that? Rented or bought? Did he contribute?

InkHeart2024 · 30/12/2024 09:01

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 08:55

@SauvignonBlonk for commitment I suppose, although I’m aware 2 kids is a commitment in itself. Same last name as the kids, to wear a nice white wedding dress..

Your situation is a bit of a mess. Firstly you've muddied the water by having him pay towards the mortgage. That should not have happened if the asset is in your sole name. You need to know that pre nups aren't valid in the UK so there is no watertight way to protect your investment if you marry him then divorce. You know he has bad money management skills so linking yourself financially would be foolish. Your reasons for marrying are poor. If you want to change your name then do it via deedpoll. If you want a white dress then have a wedding with a celebrant that is not legally binding. But don't tie yourself to him legally.

ETA and he should stop paying towards the mortgage. If you've got joint savings you should put in whatever share of the capital he's paid off so that he can access it. Currently you're sitting on money that belongs to him.

LePetitMaman · 30/12/2024 09:02

So he earns more. Acted like an irresponsible tool blowing his money on what he fancied. Then actively his his huge debt from his partner and mother of his children until she found out only a year ago.

Yeah marry him, he sounds ace.

derbiee · 30/12/2024 09:02

Well lots of men earn more than women and some women are in terrible financial positions but lots of men marry them, maybe seek legal advice first

7yo7yo · 30/12/2024 09:02

I wouldn’t. Could t justify taking that risk.

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