To get married when I earn more/own property?

[ellbigggb]

just that really. Have always wanted to get married to my partner of 10 years, we have 2 children together so I’d like the same last name. However, I own the house we live in solely and he is not in a good position financially- debt, won’t be able to buy a house together for a very long time etc…

People saying “add him to the deeds” - how do people think you get put onto the deeds of houses with debts and poor credit history?

However OP your timeline doesn’t make sense- if you only found out about the debts a year ago, why didn’t you suggest buying the house together as at the time you wouldn’t have known about the debts?

The woman doesn’t automatically get the house btw.

Generally speaking Cheating is abhorrent but I still think the woman -or the man - who has taken time off work to do childcare, look after the home and support their partner to earn, and as a result had their career/pension negatively impacted by doing so, deserves to be properly compensated if there is a split whether they cheated or not.

Especially if they are the one who will be doing most of the childcare post-divorce.

I wouldn’t bother marrying in this scenario. Make that clear to him if he raises it. Then it’s his choice whether he stays or goes.

Marriage is only really useful in a few scenarios. As someone has said, one of those is insurance for SAHM. The others is tax reasons when you’re elderly. That’s basically it.

Don’t be dragged into it because you want some Instagram pictures or a party.

@derbiee

The female equivalent of a cocklodger is a gold digger. But you’re not comparing apples with apples.

Women’s financial health is massively impacted by rearing children (unless they are very lucky or very driven). Men’s isn’t. Moreover almost no men contribute to the domestic work.

Any domestic redistribution from able bodied men to women in the home is legitimate in patriarchy.

OP look after yourself and your children. He has already shown himself not to be capable of this.

I agree. I would however sit down and have a proper conversation about how you arrange your finances and plans for the future. You obviously want to protect your asset but I also assume you want to make sure your partner and father of your children has security and is treated fairly should the worse happen?

For example have you made legal provision for what happens to the house (and by entension his right to live in it) if you die?

Exactly - who gets to live free of bills rent and responsibilities

as long as he’s not invested in the house like paid for a extension / kitchen/ new bathroom
then he is paying rent - to live somewhere and it’s unlikely that the amount he pays is anywhere near what it would actually cost to pay half the rent on a house

if you split up he would have to take you to court to get anything
this would cost him an awful lot of money and he’s not likely to be successful

just have him paying more of the bills / food
and you pay the mortgage

and don’t get married otherwise you run the risk of giving him half of everything you owe and you may never be able to buy again in the future

I do partially agree. But bear in mind that women are often dependents of men - e.g. SAHM or part-time workers - so their financial position is a little different. And they tend to lose out financially post-divorce, which has a negative impact on the children. So it's only wise to consider whether marriage is the best option in scenarios such as the one the OP posts.

Him giving you a set amount per month could be described as his contribution to the kids -keeping them fed and clothed and housed. It's still a risk he found claim
Something if you split but he's need to prove there was a common intention to have a joint ownership but that didn't happen due to some good reason. (Which his debt may allow him to argue but also you may have evidence if discussions at the time that you would solely own the place and benefit from any sale)

I'd not marry him as no benefit for you and a heck of a lot of downside (I am same but no kids and he is perfectly solvent)

OP did either of you take any time off to be a stay at home parent to the kids?

@Billydavey no neither of us, I obviously had mat leave but went back after 12 months with both children

Don’t marry him.

he lied to you about getting in debt and could do that again, except it would be your debt that time. When someone shows you who they are, listen.

i’ll go against the grain of many saying he shouldn’t be paying towards your mortgage. Tell me where he would live for free? If he didn’t live with OP he would have to find the money to buy else pay rent elsewhere effectively paying towards someone else mortgage. He’s contributing to the house he lives in but didn’t/couldn’t buy

Don’t get married. All the reasons pp have suggested above - it would be stupid to risk your property and your kid’s financial security by marrying.

if you want a fancy dress and party, then have a massive extravaganza for your 40th or something.

Don't marry him. You say you don't share financial details with each other so you don't even know his financial position and the extent of his debts. He sounds like he'd drag you down financially if you married him.

He pays you rent, he's not paying towards the mortgage as he doesn't have a mortgage. It's in your name only. Make sure he doesn't stop paying if he racks up more debts. I wouldn't be tying myself to him further.

So he’s the higher earner and you bought a house since you’ve been together (no doubt made possible by his sharing of half your living costs for 7 years prior) and he pays part of the mortgage, but you are afraid to marry him to protect your assets. I’d be pretty pissed off if Dh felt the same about me in that situation. By all means, protect the equity you initially put into the house, but legally (assuming debt was under control and would not impact me), I’d want all the protections that came with marriage, never mind the symbolism.

I didn't. I earnt more and had more savings and he was very irresponsible with money and had a poor work history.

We split (he didn't want to). He lost his job prior to this and is still out of work a year later. I am so grateful we didn't marry.

In your position I wouldn’t. Maybe take legal advice if you really want to - but protect your assets op.

Sounds like changing the kids surname to match yours would solve everything? Why do they have his anyway?

You should not be paying half the mortgage then. That's just not fair.

Those asking would advice be the same if genders were reversed.

yes! If a man came here - said we have same responsibilities re child rearing, both full time employed, but my gf has racked up loads of debt and thus can’t get mortgage etc. I would advise - do not marry!

marriage is a financial contract. Most women - I advise to marry. Esp if they’ve made sacrifices in the earning ability in order to bring up children/ create or manage a home.

This is NOT the same thing.

Why not? Would rent be cheaper?! Why should this person live rent free because they have racked up debt?

Now - I agree… you’d hope that the partner would play fair in the event of a separation. But that doesn’t mean they should take on the risk of adding someone to deeds when that person has proved to be financially untrustworthy.

Ah, the romance!