To get married when I earn more/own property?

[ellbigggb]

just that really. Have always wanted to get married to my partner of 10 years, we have 2 children together so I’d like the same last name. However, I own the house we live in solely and he is not in a good position financially- debt, won’t be able to buy a house together for a very long time etc…

@BeardyButton

I reckon if people viewed raising children as a business with the outcome being healthy happy children who grow into well adjusted adults, then there d be a lot less unhappiness in the world. Maybe people would choose their business partners differently.

Totally. A large part of the reason women often sleepwalk into dreadful situations with deadbeat partners and then leave themselves in awful financial situations is because they are told from birth that "love conquers all".

Well, it doesn't. Raising children goes well beyond money obviously: it does involve love and also stability, commitment, hard work. But it also takes money and critically it requires for the woman in the partnership to have some degree of control over that money. Because in the vast majority of cases it is the woman who is doing the heavy lifting with child-rearing.

Whether that means being married to the man so you don't get shafted when he walks off into the sunset OR working to support yourself so the situation doesn't arise in the first place is down to each individual situation. But the main reason why women get left up shit creek by having and raising children is because they don't really understand how badly it will impact their financial situation.

That means being really clear eyed before having children about the best way to protect themselves and choosing an approach that fits their finances. Not being led down a blind alley by ideas of "love".

I actually think we should devise a financial structure which decouples the "love" part of marriage from the financial part. Over time I think it would be likely to incentivise women to make better decisions if it were clearer at the outset that its about money. I'm sure a lot of people will disagree here but I think marriage has outlived its usefulness.

Before we married DH paid £500 a month contribution to house costs , my home and mortgage and my name on all bills. He had no money but also no debt.

When we married and moved house it was all still in my name (still is 12 years and another house move later) but I protected the equity in my home and we started to pay 50/50 on everything so he is now invested in our home albeit in a smaller share should we divorce

Yes, how very embarrassing, women looking out for women, who historically have been shafted financially again and again by men. Look away!

If you feel you desperately want to do it sign a prenup first. But don’t do it.

My second husband and I had a lovely wedding ,with all the bells and whistles, but before we got married we sat down and got out everything financial. Bank statements, credit card statements, paperwork about any loans/ mortgages. My first husband was a disaster with money. I was not going there again. My second husband was far wealthier than me. He was very happy to show me everything and to discuss everything. If he had refused I might have continued to go out with him but I would never have let him move in or married him.Finances are hugely important.

Wouldn't a prenup protect you? Presumably it could write something up that's gives him some reasonable but limited provision if you were to split.

Would a prenup not take all the danger out of it?

Prenups count for nothing in the UK

You should have some legal documentation in place anyway, even unmarried. I think it is called 'tenants in common' or maybe something else entirely but something that waives any entitlement, if that's what you want. If he is contributing he should maybe have some entitlement.

maybe I’m naive to think that getting married would solve all our issues - because he’d be committed to me. The relationship has been on and off for the last 10 years - hence the reason I didn’t know about his debts.

You'd be crazy to marry him. You would instantly be responsible for his debts too.
What, for ONE day you are the star of the show wearing a white dress?!

You owe it to your children to take care of your financial situation. And for yourself in old age.

I've been in your partners position and unless you have a cohabitation agreement in place he can stake a claim on the house because as you've said he's been contributing towards the mortgage. It's costly and complicated but law firms will take it on should you ever split.

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/blog/unmarried-couples-owning-property-together-the-law/

You owe it to your children to take care of your financial situation. And for yourself in old age.

This. A man with form for poor financial management simply cannot be trusted to do this.

If he was doing everything in his grasp to turn things around and was committed to the relationship and to your children then there might be an argument for this.

But at the moment it seems like you are talking yourself into marriage because you think it will strengthen a weak relationship. It won’t. And with no financial logic to it this screams bad idea.

If i could go back in time i wouldn't have married my husband who is similar to the man you describe. We are still together

They are not watertight but many judges will respect them, even if they don’t 100% follow them they will often use them to inform their judgements.

A child is no commitment at all. Parents walk away from their children every day, and plenty more who stay in the child’s life leave their mother or cheat on her.
I wouldn’t change your name to his without as PP suggest, not only because it seems a bit pathetic but also because you aren’t confident in the relationship lasting so you might later want to change it back. You could change your children’s names to add yours but that’s adding admin to their lives so I’d think long and hard about whether you could live without it.

Sorry, it's cohabitation agreement like someone else wrote, you need for now.

I know pre-nups don't see things up here but I believe they can strengthen positions. However, given you have children together and your wealth has been accrued during your relationship, I imagine this will also have a key bearing.

It's definitely something you need legal advice on, whether you marry or not.

Sew things up here not see. Ugh.

i don't think the current situation is anything to do with people being brought up to think love conquers all......its come about because of social change,people no longer think marriage is important and because there are no longer the same social consequences of unprotected sex and conceiving children with men who have no intention of maintaining a supportive loving relationship. Women need to be educated about their choices before they choose to have children......."Couples with stable economic conditions and higher levels of education are more likely to marry (Ishizuka 2018; Garriga and Perelli-Harris 2019; Schneider et al. 2019), while those with lower education and disadvantaged backgrounds are more likely to have a child within cohabitation (Perelli-Harris et al.)"

Him not owning a house is fine but being in lots of debt, having a bad credit score and not being able to get a mortgage is! Because it will affect your credit rating. If he sorts out a debt and credit management plan and gets his score high enough to qualify on a mortgage then do it. The kids can have a double barrel name for both of you without marriage or you all change your name to something else (like a combination of both your surnames).

No actually i will be advising my sons and my daughter to be very careful to only marry someone financially aligned. This isn't about one party being a higher earner and protecting their assets at all costs - the man described is financially feckless. I (and my children) am currently at risk of losing the home that i have made every single mortgage repayment for over the past 15 years and paid the total of the £££ deposit due to the actions of my similarly financially feckless husband in secret and from which i have had no benefit whatsoever. These things should be discussed and shouldn't be an embarrassment.

What was he buying?

To wear a nice white wedding dress?! How old are you OP?

This discussion always comes up on these threads. When a couple isn't married and one owns a property in my opinion the costs of servicing the loan/increasing the value of the asset should be borne solely by the person who benefits from the asset. Taking 'rent' from a partner towards a mortgage loan is profiteering from your partner IMO.

Thank you 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 you have integrity.

Paying nothing towards rent is profiteering for the person who owns the house?. Again why should you live for free?. Why do you think you deserve to live for free?. Both parties should profit the person paying rent is going to be paying a much smaller amount than if the rented on their own!

Yikes, no definitely do not get married! You are so much better off as you are. I would have insisted on the kids having my surname but too late for that (unless their dad agrees to change them now).

You can change your name if you want to. Wear a wedding ring. Refer to him as husband. Buy a nice dress. You can do all that crap without shafting yourself with the legal commitment of marriage which is NOT in your favour. You would literally be handing him 50% of your house if you split. The fact that your relationship has been "on and off" for 10 years makes a split seem likely.

Funny how he suddenly wants to get married now, when all the benefits are in his favour ...