Page 4 | To get married when I earn more/own property?

ellbigggb · 2024-12-30T08:36:00+00:00

just that really. Have always wanted to get married to my partner of 10 years, we have 2 children together so I’d like the same last name. However, I own the house we live in solely and he is not in a good position financially- debt, won’t be able to buy a house together for a very long time etc…

femfemlicious · 30/12/2024 09:37

Simply do not marry him unless he gets his finances under control. What dis he buy to get into debt?

Original poster

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 09:37

@infestedsharks i did, read that thread and then you might realise why I didn’t know about his debt 😀

OP posts:

vincettenoir · 30/12/2024 09:37

TomorrowTodayYesterday · 30/12/2024 08:54

If this was the other way round and it was a man with assets and a woman with nothing, every post would be telling the OP to marry him ASAP to protect themselves.

I'm embarrassed to be a woman sometimes.

How very embarrassing for a mother of two kids to have some agency over her assets and an active interest in her family’s long term security.

RampantIvy · 30/12/2024 09:38

Truetoself · 30/12/2024 09:02

Amd no woman HAS to give up work to raise kids. They choose this either because they are lazy and can't be arsed to work or because they don't have a career and have poor earning potential so it doesn't make sense to fork out for childcare and for the higher earner not to work

Sorry we are not in the 1950's

Well, aren't you a delight

There are many other reasons why women choose to stay at home with young children before going back to work and picking up their careers where they left off.

Chonk · 30/12/2024 09:39

InkHeart2024 · 30/12/2024 09:06

Paying towards the mortgage may give him a financial interest in your property. He's not a lodger, he's your partner and father of your children so it's not at all like having a non paying lodger. Partners shouldn't benefit financially from each other. If the house is your own asset then you alone should be paying the mortgage. He should be putting an equivalent amount in savings.

Show quote history

Your first sentence is a really important one which I hope OP pays attention to.

However, if partners shouldn't benefit financially from each other, why should her partner benefit from the opportunity to live rent free?

Tandora · 30/12/2024 09:40

TomorrowTodayYesterday · 30/12/2024 08:54

If this was the other way round and it was a man with assets and a woman with nothing, every post would be telling the OP to marry him ASAP to protect themselves.

I'm embarrassed to be a woman sometimes.

That’s because women overwhelmingly contribute more in terms of domestic and reproductive labour. Often financially as well.

OP, I wouldn’t. I’m not get married for similar reasons. He does have a beneficial interest in the property though- proportionate to what he’s paying in. I think that’s only fair.

femfemlicious · 30/12/2024 09:40

Why should he have a share of the house?. He is paying to live there!. He should have bought his own house with the money he should have been saving by paying small amount of rent. I'll never understand this thing of expecting to own a share of someone's house simply because you live there and pay a bit of money! You have to pay to live somewhere!. That goes for men and women!

infestedsharks · 30/12/2024 09:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Donttellempike · 30/12/2024 09:41

InkHeart2024 · 30/12/2024 09:01

Your situation is a bit of a mess. Firstly you've muddied the water by having him pay towards the mortgage. That should not have happened if the asset is in your sole name. You need to know that pre nups aren't valid in the UK so there is no watertight way to protect your investment if you marry him then divorce. You know he has bad money management skills so linking yourself financially would be foolish. Your reasons for marrying are poor. If you want to change your name then do it via deedpoll. If you want a white dress then have a wedding with a celebrant that is not legally binding. But don't tie yourself to him legally.

ETA and he should stop paying towards the mortgage. If you've got joint savings you should put in whatever share of the capital he's paid off so that he can access it. Currently you're sitting on money that belongs to him.

Edited

Show quote history

This is terrible advice

infestedsharks · 30/12/2024 09:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 09:42

@infestedsharks because all of that is true but that’s a whole separate issue, the question of marriage has only arisen since Christmas Day and maybe I’m naive to think that getting married would solve all our issues - because he’d be committed to me. The relationship has been on and off for the last 10 years - hence the reason I didn’t know about his debts.

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 30/12/2024 09:42

InkHeart2024 · 30/12/2024 09:01

Your situation is a bit of a mess. Firstly you've muddied the water by having him pay towards the mortgage. That should not have happened if the asset is in your sole name. You need to know that pre nups aren't valid in the UK so there is no watertight way to protect your investment if you marry him then divorce. You know he has bad money management skills so linking yourself financially would be foolish. Your reasons for marrying are poor. If you want to change your name then do it via deedpoll. If you want a white dress then have a wedding with a celebrant that is not legally binding. But don't tie yourself to him legally.

ETA and he should stop paying towards the mortgage. If you've got joint savings you should put in whatever share of the capital he's paid off so that he can access it. Currently you're sitting on money that belongs to him.

Edited

Show quote history

Why shouldn't he pay to live there?. Why should she pay to house him for free?.

Usernamenope · 30/12/2024 09:43

FedupMumof10YearOld · 30/12/2024 09:08

The money towards the mortgage payment he pays can be classed as rent. He's always gonna have living costs unless if you weren't together he went to live with family

Presumably he's ok with this arrangement?

Might want to seek some legal advice.

A solicitor told me you have to make a clear distinction between money paid as rent and money paid as contributing to a mortgage. Otherwise a partner living with you who has contributed to a mortgage can make a claim to your property if you split.

OP get legal advice on this if your DP is helping to pay your mortgage. You should be extra careful if there is a chance they could get into debt again which they can't pay. Really you should have a legal agreement drawn up. It's unromantic but might protect you and your kids if the worst happens.

oakleaffy · 30/12/2024 09:43

Hell no!!!!!

@ellbigggb If one is the more financially secure person, DO NOT MARRY.

I advise women on here to get married before having children, as it's us who really need the protection of marriage.

But a man who is bad with money? DEBT?

Fuck that !

Keep your house and money for your children.

femfemlicious · 30/12/2024 09:45

Billydavey · 30/12/2024 09:07

If he posted on here (saying he was a woman so he’d get fair advice) saying he was paying towards your mortgage but had not rights, he’s be told he was being financially abused.

he’d be advised to either not pay, or get on the deeds of the house.

whilst he may not have made good financial decisions, it’s also not right that he’s paying for your asset and has no security at all.

Show quote history

If he doesn't pay, he will have to move out and pat pat lot more in rent!. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face!

oakleaffy · 30/12/2024 09:46

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 09:42

@infestedsharks because all of that is true but that’s a whole separate issue, the question of marriage has only arisen since Christmas Day and maybe I’m naive to think that getting married would solve all our issues - because he’d be committed to me. The relationship has been on and off for the last 10 years - hence the reason I didn’t know about his debts.

This sounds like it would be an unmitigated disaster.

Once married, bam, he'd have a claim on your property and pension if he ran off. Marriage doesn't mean he will be 'committed'.

You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by marrying this man.

infestedsharks · 30/12/2024 09:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 09:49

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 09:13

Gosh too many comments to keep up with!! The debt started during Covid so when I bought my house it was always only ever going to be me who bought it, as it my own deposit and he was already in debt so couldn’t be on the mortgage regardless. My choice at the time was buy a house on my own or continue to private rent until he was in the position to buy - which still won’t be for a long time so I made the right decision to buy 3 years ago! He’s on a debt management plan now, so paying it off every month so on the right track. Thanks for all the comments re him paying towards the mortgage, I’ll put a stop to that! Although he just gives me a set amount of money each month, so not sure how anyone legally could count that as paying towards the mortgage?

You don't need to stop him paying you a set amount if he pays it directly to you. People are giving incorrect advice on here but if in doubt do get legal advice. It won't be much for some single issue advice. It would still be a family lawyer. I know a great one who does cohabitation work if you did want a name.

crankychristmas · 30/12/2024 09:50

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 09:04

@Billydavey I don’t see the difference between him giving me some money towards my mortgage (emphasis on ‘some’ as it’s not a lot) and private renting and paying someone else’s mortgage.. surely if he wasn’t paying anything to live here other than half towards bills, then he’d just be a lodger living here free of charge.. feel free to tell me I’m wrong as that’s just what I’ve always done and thought that was correct

It's different. He's your partner, and father of your children, not your lodger.

I nearly split up with my DP (now my husband) over this. I felt like I was helping him build a valuable asset while, in his eyes, I was his lodger, not his partner. I think this must be worse if you have children.

When I finally spoke to my DP he instantly put my name in the mortgage.

And - sorry to say this, but I've got a friend leaving an abusive relationship - this was one element of financial control over her. She couldn't leave because she had no way of paying rent elsewhere because everything had gone to his house. When she did leave, she and her kids had to leave the family home with nothing.

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/12/2024 09:51

Ok reading the updates this is not about marriage or the house. Your problems go deeper than that.

Married or not long term partners share and make plans together. Your relationship is fucked. Sorry.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 30/12/2024 09:55

Billydavey · 30/12/2024 09:01

He’s paying towards a house he has no share of. If the house is all in your name (you say I bought it) then it’s really unfair he’s contributing but has no share

did younlive together before that? Rented or bought? Did he contribute?

Edited

Show quote history

He’s paying ‘a bit’ towards the mortgage.

So almost certainly a lot less than he would pay in rent. And his ‘bit’ is supposed to cover his share of housing their children?

The OP covers the majority. If they marry and divorce her investment will disappear down his debt drain and she will be left without most of the security she has built up to house her kids.

28Fluctuations · 30/12/2024 09:56

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 09:42

@infestedsharks because all of that is true but that’s a whole separate issue, the question of marriage has only arisen since Christmas Day and maybe I’m naive to think that getting married would solve all our issues - because he’d be committed to me. The relationship has been on and off for the last 10 years - hence the reason I didn’t know about his debts.

Marriage does not make anyone more committed. Just more legally entangled.

To marry or not to marry when you have assets can be a tricky question.

But it's easy in your particular case. Don't marry him. Clarify legally that his financial contributions to the household are rent payments.

You have dc to feed, clothe and house, and they should be your priority.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 30/12/2024 09:57

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/12/2024 09:51

Ok reading the updates this is not about marriage or the house. Your problems go deeper than that.

Married or not long term partners share and make plans together. Your relationship is fucked. Sorry.

This!! I cannot believe that you seriously think a nice dress and a party (as you mentioned earlier) would solve your problems when he’s clearly a complete arse on multiple levels

DeepRoseFish · 30/12/2024 09:58

TomorrowTodayYesterday · 30/12/2024 08:54

If this was the other way round and it was a man with assets and a woman with nothing, every post would be telling the OP to marry him ASAP to protect themselves.

I'm embarrassed to be a woman sometimes.

Really???

A woman with children who is the main carer absolutely should be married to protect herself and the kids!!!

crankychristmas · 30/12/2024 10:00

If you wanted to marry him, could you not get a pre-nup?