Page 2 | To get married when I earn more/own property?

ellbigggb · 2024-12-30T08:36:00+00:00

just that really. Have always wanted to get married to my partner of 10 years, we have 2 children together so I’d like the same last name. However, I own the house we live in solely and he is not in a good position financially- debt, won’t be able to buy a house together for a very long time etc…

Truetoself · 30/12/2024 09:02

Amd no woman HAS to give up work to raise kids. They choose this either because they are lazy and can't be arsed to work or because they don't have a career and have poor earning potential so it doesn't make sense to fork out for childcare and for the higher earner not to work

Sorry we are not in the 1950's

Lifestooshort71 · 30/12/2024 09:03

We've lived together 25yrs (adult children with ex-spouses only) and he makes v poor financial choices so agreed with me years ago that to get married wouldn't be fair to me. I own the property, all the bills in my name and I can pay them without his help if needed. He gives me an agreed sum weekly which goes up each year. I've had cancer and am a bit older than him so who knows who'll go first? I've left him a 5-figure sum in my will and my family will get the rest - we both saw a solicitor together and all 3 of us agreed the sum was fair and she said it would legally take away any further claim to my estate if he suddenly went rogue after my death. He can't help how he is with money and we're both happy with the situation. Perhaps take legal advice?

Moonwalkies · 30/12/2024 09:03

Truetoself · 30/12/2024 09:00

So would pp give the same advise if tje genders were reversed? I think you would all be saying to get some security etc

But if it was reversed then it's a different question, both can be true:

For the person with more assets and money it's foolish to get married.

For the person with less it's sensible to get married for the financial security and benefit.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 09:04

The fact he concealed his money problems within a 10 year relationship would be enough for me to never mix my finances with him by choice or by marriage.

Original poster

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 09:04

@Billydavey I don’t see the difference between him giving me some money towards my mortgage (emphasis on ‘some’ as it’s not a lot) and private renting and paying someone else’s mortgage.. surely if he wasn’t paying anything to live here other than half towards bills, then he’d just be a lodger living here free of charge.. feel free to tell me I’m wrong as that’s just what I’ve always done and thought that was correct

OP posts:

Nothatgingerpirate · 30/12/2024 09:05

NO.
You have literally NO reason to get married.

InkHeart2024 · 30/12/2024 09:06

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 09:04

@Billydavey I don’t see the difference between him giving me some money towards my mortgage (emphasis on ‘some’ as it’s not a lot) and private renting and paying someone else’s mortgage.. surely if he wasn’t paying anything to live here other than half towards bills, then he’d just be a lodger living here free of charge.. feel free to tell me I’m wrong as that’s just what I’ve always done and thought that was correct

Paying towards the mortgage may give him a financial interest in your property. He's not a lodger, he's your partner and father of your children so it's not at all like having a non paying lodger. Partners shouldn't benefit financially from each other. If the house is your own asset then you alone should be paying the mortgage. He should be putting an equivalent amount in savings.

Projectmee · 30/12/2024 09:07

Truetoself · 30/12/2024 09:00

So would pp give the same advise if tje genders were reversed? I think you would all be saying to get some security etc

It depends. I can’t speak for everyone but if no children involved I personally wouldn’t be advising the man to get married.

However with children things change, because all too often it’s the women who are left with the children if they split . And the women often has worse financial circumstances in the first place due to going part time or taking time out from their career in order to provide childcare for the kids they both created.

That’s not the case with OPs partner. In this situation not only has his career seemingly been unaffected by having kids but he actually earns more than OP.

It’s just down to his poor financial choices that has led him to be in the situation where Op is paying most of the mortgage.

Billydavey · 30/12/2024 09:07

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 09:04

@Billydavey I don’t see the difference between him giving me some money towards my mortgage (emphasis on ‘some’ as it’s not a lot) and private renting and paying someone else’s mortgage.. surely if he wasn’t paying anything to live here other than half towards bills, then he’d just be a lodger living here free of charge.. feel free to tell me I’m wrong as that’s just what I’ve always done and thought that was correct

If he posted on here (saying he was a woman so he’d get fair advice) saying he was paying towards your mortgage but had not rights, he’s be told he was being financially abused.

he’d be advised to either not pay, or get on the deeds of the house.

whilst he may not have made good financial decisions, it’s also not right that he’s paying for your asset and has no security at all.

OldEarAche · 30/12/2024 09:07

I don't see why you wouldn't. You have kids together, that's a bigger commitment in my mind.

What would you want to happen if you die? If you would leave it all to him then the only situation you're concerned about is divorce. I know pre nups are not enforceable but if you're worried about him taking half the house in divorce, then maybe protect yourself by getting a pre nup drawn up in advance.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2024 09:07

TomorrowTodayYesterday · 30/12/2024 08:54

If this was the other way round and it was a man with assets and a woman with nothing, every post would be telling the OP to marry him ASAP to protect themselves.

I'm embarrassed to be a woman sometimes.

Why?

Marriage is designed to provide financial protection to the economically weaker partner in the marriage (usually, though not always, the woman). Women’s earnings over the course of a lifetime tend to be impacted by raising children.

It’s not designed to be a charter to allow cocklodgers and coasters to sponge off them.

Women need to prioritize the economic security of their children and themselves by any means necessary.

PoppyFleur · 30/12/2024 09:08

I would put the question of marriage on the back burner at the moment and address the financial issues.

You say your partner was in a bad place, how is he now? How long was this going on before you knew? What is his financial situation now, is there a solid plan to repay the debt and get back on track? Is he sticking to the plan?

I personally would not marry someone who has debts that could impact my children’s and my own financial security. However, this is your partner and the father of your children, presumably if you want to marry them, you want them mentally and physically healthy and by your side for the rest of your lives. The priority, if it were me, is getting the person I love back on track.

FedupMumof10YearOld · 30/12/2024 09:08

The money towards the mortgage payment he pays can be classed as rent. He's always gonna have living costs unless if you weren't together he went to live with family

Presumably he's ok with this arrangement?

Might want to seek some legal advice.

derbiee · 30/12/2024 09:08

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2024 09:07

Why?

Marriage is designed to provide financial protection to the economically weaker partner in the marriage (usually, though not always, the woman). Women’s earnings over the course of a lifetime tend to be impacted by raising children.

It’s not designed to be a charter to allow cocklodgers and coasters to sponge off them.

Women need to prioritize the economic security of their children and themselves by any means necessary.

Show quote history

So what is the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

SLRUS · 30/12/2024 09:08

Please don't do it. I was in exactly the same position as you and now we're getting divorced he'll take at least half the equity in my house and half my pensions (I don't have any other assets otherwise half would go to him too).

Everything I have was built up for the kids and I know he'll blow through the £300k he'll get in a few years.

Also if you get married, he'll have a stake in your home and debtors will go after it.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 09:08

Truetoself · 30/12/2024 09:02

Amd no woman HAS to give up work to raise kids. They choose this either because they are lazy and can't be arsed to work or because they don't have a career and have poor earning potential so it doesn't make sense to fork out for childcare and for the higher earner not to work

Sorry we are not in the 1950's

What a load of nonsense! Some people have well paid careers and choose to give up work to spend time with their families and then go back.

Some have earned well enough to not need to go back.

Seem financially can't make it work where childcare is more than what they earn (and they don't realise the benefit pension wise etc of still working). But to write off people who stay at home as lazy and can't be asked to work is clearly a provocative statement designed to be as goady AF.

Createausername1970 · 30/12/2024 09:08

Truetoself · 30/12/2024 09:02

Amd no woman HAS to give up work to raise kids. They choose this either because they are lazy and can't be arsed to work or because they don't have a career and have poor earning potential so it doesn't make sense to fork out for childcare and for the higher earner not to work

Sorry we are not in the 1950's

I take exception to this comment. I was neither lazy nor had low income expectations. But I wanted to be a SAHM while my children were pre-school.

It was my CHOICE.

No, it's not the 1950s, but your attitude isn't much better and is extremely rude about women in general.

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/12/2024 09:09

We all have different set ups - my partner and I are not married but I find it baffling you had two children with this man, live with him but when you bought a house you both live in you didn't have a conversation about the arrangements for owning it?

It sounds as if he earns enough to pay his share of the mortgage, why didn't buying together come up in conversation? If you had very uneven financial contributions there are legal ways to structure ownership to protect your contribution.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2024 09:09

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 09:04

The fact he concealed his money problems within a 10 year relationship would be enough for me to never mix my finances with him by choice or by marriage.

This with brass bells on. If an adult male can’t manage his own finances you and your kids owe him nothing.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 30/12/2024 09:09

So, he earns more than you but isn’t on the mortgage, you didn’t take his income into consideration for a mortgage? Really? even if you pay it, his finances didn’t become part of the conversation when you bought the house. You didn’t know he had debts until recently yet when you bought a house you didn’t consider buying it together.

see this speaks of someone being firmly independent and determined to do that self sabotaging thing some women do of not wanting to be seen as a gold digger with a higher earning man, so they shoulder far more of the family costs to prove they are not just after his money. So what’s changed suddenly you want the white dress and party?

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 30/12/2024 09:10

EauNeu · 30/12/2024 08:57

When the woman has nothing because she's raising the man's children full time?

You're embarrassed to be a woman? What a disgusting thing to say

Show quote history

Yes true however what about if the woman cheats? She still gets the house even though it's her fault 🤷‍♀️

Theeyeballsinthesky · 30/12/2024 09:10

I earned more than my DH when we got married & I owned a house whilst he did not

fast forward 25 years and he earns double what I do and we are now mortgage free thanks to an inheritance he received

we don’t have any children

I didn’t ‘need’ to marry him but I wanted to because I loved him. Our lives have changed a lot since then. I have benefitted a lot from his superior earning power and I’ll benefit from his exceptionally good pension. He benefitted because he would never have been able to buy a house on the salary he had when we met

life doesn’t always stay the same

DowntonCrabbie · 30/12/2024 09:12

TomorrowTodayYesterday · 30/12/2024 08:54

If this was the other way round and it was a man with assets and a woman with nothing, every post would be telling the OP to marry him ASAP to protect themselves.

I'm embarrassed to be a woman sometimes.

You should be embarrassed to post such claptrap.

You can't just change sexes in this and judge the same. And you haven't even understood to point

Original poster

ellbigggb · 30/12/2024 09:13

Gosh too many comments to keep up with!! The debt started during Covid so when I bought my house it was always only ever going to be me who bought it, as it my own deposit and he was already in debt so couldn’t be on the mortgage regardless. My choice at the time was buy a house on my own or continue to private rent until he was in the position to buy - which still won’t be for a long time so I made the right decision to buy 3 years ago! He’s on a debt management plan now, so paying it off every month so on the right track. Thanks for all the comments re him paying towards the mortgage, I’ll put a stop to that! Although he just gives me a set amount of money each month, so not sure how anyone legally could count that as paying towards the mortgage?

OP posts:

1apenny2apenny · 30/12/2024 09:14

You reasons for getting married are very weak. Why didn't you give your children your name? What difference does having the same name make 🥴.

Marrying him in this situation is putting you and your DCs future at risk. If you then get divorced, he gets half and you have to start again and your children lose out. If you were to die then he gets it all (unless you write a watertight will) and if he remarries your children could get nothing. You seem to be putting silly things like a white dress and a name above the security of your children. You sound otherwise switched on, give your head a wobble.