To get married when I earn more/own property?

[ellbigggb]

just that really. Have always wanted to get married to my partner of 10 years, we have 2 children together so I’d like the same last name. However, I own the house we live in solely and he is not in a good position financially- debt, won’t be able to buy a house together for a very long time etc…

A magic piece of paper doesn't make you more committed mentally than being in a long term relationship. The main purpose of marriage is money and security reasons, because back in the day women almost always were financially dependent on men and stayed home with the children. It's not needed so much these days.

Having seen friends be screwed over in divorces I now think there’s no benefit to being married unless you are the less well off partner. If you earn more/have assets etc then in the event of a divorce you will lose half of it.

I pay him x amount a month, which works out at half the mortgage and bills- I don’t pay half the mortgage directly.

Surely it would be more unfair if I didn’t pay towards the house I live in, which only don’t own because of my poor past financial decisions? Why should I get a free ride? If I wasn’t with him I’d be paying rent somewhere.

Yeah, but I think she would need to have something in writing between them explicitly stating that he’s “renting” or something along those lines.

I actually know someone who was in a similar situation—a woman whose boyfriend at the time decided to buy property without her. He wanted her to sign an agreement designating her as a lodger or something like that, which she flat-out refused. From what I understand, the document was intended to protect his assets, ensuring she’d never gain any financial interest in the property, even though she would be contributing to the mortgage in the form of rent.

Lovely!!!!

Woman has children and wants to actually look after them and she’s lazy????

What planet are you on?!

Marriage isn’t about romance. It’s a partnership. A financial partnership, very often to bring up children. I wish people realised this. I will teach my children this.

in my view, romantic movies etc has given us a very very dangerous view of what marriage is. This leaves a whole lot of unhappy people, questing after something that doesn’t exist.

the most important decision you ll ever make is the person you ll marry. This decision should be made with the head AND the heart. The worst disservice we do to young people (especially girls) is convincing them that romantic love is the only thing that matters and it conquers all.

OP, with your visions of a dress, wedding etc and hoping for commitment, it sounds as if you are wanting romance, love, security, teamwork.

All this should be firmly in place BEFORE marriage. And you would only ever want to put all your hard earned assets into a marital pot once those things were in place.

He doesn’t seem to make you feel secure. He is so outside the team that he didn’t tell you about his financial situation.

You showed so much commitment by having children with him, allowing them to have his name, taking responsibility for housing their children while family (despite him earning more), and it sounds as if it will take a while before he can contribute a fairer share to the cost of housing your / his children… I would be feeling quite exhausted by this and wishing for a fairytale ending with a finale in a big white dress

But magic doesn’t happen, sadly.

I would take legal advice on whether his payment towards bills and costs give him any rights over your property. MN can be very alarmist and misinformed on some legal points.

This. I married a man who turned out to be hopeless with money. At the start it was okay because neither of us had any. Then came store cards which he maxed out. Credit cards where he made the minimum payment but nothing else.That went hand in hand with a growing obsession about how he looked/ casual dress Fridays which apparently required a whole wardrobe of Levis and expensive boots. Would other people fancy him if he wore XYZ( he was married with 2 children so that was a real low point). In the end he left me for a 17 year old and I divorced him. It was hideous. Financial compatibility is enormously important. Your partner isn't going to change. If he becomes your husband it will only get worse. Don't do it to yourself

No. I think women who own property and have DC's probably shouldn't marry someone in a financially risky position.

What a breathtakingly horrible thing to say.
Many stop work because they believe that their children are better off being looked after by a parent.

Getting married won’t solve anything. He will be exactly as committed as he is now. Just now it’s going to cost you part of your house if he decides to leave.

getting married, having a baby, things people do to fix problems that never work. They should be things you do in an already perfect relationship, not to make it perfect.

@1apenny2apenny you know they're his children as well, right?

This. My SIL married my brother 5 years ago. He is 17 years older than her. She had been madly in love with him since she was 13. Sadly this meant that she was totally blind to the fact that , financially, he is an absolute prat.They live in a rented house and will ever be able to buy
She has a child from a previous relationship and is constantly scraping around for money. He has several cars and is constantly buying bits from Amazon to repair them. Before they got married she said she didn't care about money and that ' they had their love to keep them warm". Love doesn't put food on the table. Nor does it pay the gas bill. She has learnt the hard way

@BeardyButton

Marriage isn’t about romance. It’s a partnership. A financial partnership, very often to bring up children. I wish people realised this. I will teach my children this.

I completely agree. So much damage is done by convincing women in particular that marriage is about love and hearts and floral displays.

Romantic novels, movies and music are so fundamental to our culture and provide so much joy but at heart their message is so pernicious and damaging.

I don’t know what the answer is really because you can’t deny people the right to believe in romance but fundamentally it’s like believing in Father Christmas; a comforting myth but at heart utter nonsense.

Marriage is about money. Always has been.

It's all just a business arrangement then? How vomit inducing your post is.

Op@ellbigggb whatever you decide you really need to make a will if you haven't already...your financial situation would throw up all sorts of problems if you die without a will whilst your children are still minors.

Oh for goodness sake of course marriage wouldn't solve your issues! It would just make things so much more complicated if when you split up!

@tiger2691

It's all just a business arrangement then? How vomit inducing your post is.

You can feel that if you like but it doesn't change the fact that marriage is a legal contract which governs the distribution of money between a couple. That's what it is, whether you like it or not.

People are welcome to overlay whatever faith or love based symbolism they want and that's fine. This obviously gives people comfort and if it strengthens some relationships then all to the good. But if it is used to mislead people into thinking marriage is going to protect their relationships it's a problem. And that happens a lot.

Women who believe that marriage is some sort of silver bullet which will guarantee the health of their relationships or paper over the cracks of something which isn't working (as this OP seems to be doing) are dangerously in denial. Women who believe that marriage is a good idea because "we love each other" without considering the financial reality are also dangerously in denial.

Marriage is a very useful tool for people to protect their financial interests and stop themselves from being shafted. But it is usually disadvantageous to the wealthier person in the relationship (which is usually the woman) and its not appropriate in a situation where a man is financially vulnerable or a bit of a pisstaker or (as in this case) has debts. It's all about the money.

Sticking your head in the sand about this doesn't change the reality.

Change your last name

Normally in this case it would be she has no assets because she stayed home to look after THEIR DC and had been/was going to be financially disadvantaged without marriage

I really don’t think it’s vomit inducing. Managing a life is a business, it takes hard work and partnership. Raising children is definitely business. It’s the hardest thing I do.

I reckon if people viewed raising children as a business with the outcome being healthy happy children who grow into well adjusted adults, then there d be a lot less unhappiness in the world. Maybe people would choose their business partners differently.

That’s not to say there shouldn’t be love and happiness, joy, companionship and warmth. Only that these human needs we have shouldn’t blind us to our true objectives (happy kids etc).

The outcome of ignoring this, choosing based on our needs and impulses, can be awful. To see this, have a look at the Cinderella effect… one business partnership ends in separation and the parents choose again. This choice (the step parent) can have disastrous effects on children. The number one predictor for child abuse is living w a step parent.

I think it’s much more vomit inducing to think about these poor kids.

So he should live there for free?
No rent?

Yeah I was thinking the same. If he's not to have any claim on the house op shouldn't be accepting money towards the mortgage. Bills etc, yes but mortgage no

Are you 100% sure this doesn't give him a legal claim on the house anyway

again, this is why a will is absolutely essential.