Privacy on my break at work

[GreenwichMeanieTime]

Where I work we have a large staff canteen as we can’t really go out and get food. It sits a lot of people and is noisy, but it also has a quiet area that is kind of sectioned off to the rest. I often go and sit there in my lunch to read my book, or do my emails or go on my phone and surf the net for things I’m researching e.g. holidays. If there’s space I’ll usually sit there.

Nearly every time I do this, someone from my team will come along and sit next to me, and say something like “ oh, you are being antisocial” and they proceed to talk for the remaining hour about work, what’s going on, Janet in accounts, this customer or that manager and their personal problems. I was in work on Friday and it happened again. I was feeling a bit ill after Boxing Day, went for some quiet time and 2 of my colleagues came along and sat with me and never shut up the whole hour.

Now, to get to this area you literally have to go through the whole canteen and go round a bit cordoned off to get to it. If you go there it’s because you want some privacy.

Now I like my work colleagues but I don’t want to talk about work in my lunch break. I’ve got things to do which if I get them done and off my list, my life outside is a lot easier. Also, my work is quite stressful, and I need a break. I need to eat and do something else for a while. On Friday I literally felt like crying when I heard the clatter of trays on the table. They totally ignore that I am reading a book. I go back to my desk feeling like I’ve had no break.

I’ve tried to fudge my lunch break a bit, going early or late, and it’s made a bit of difference but now a couple of them are saying to let them know when I am going so we can have lunch together. Like I said, the talk is all about the company or work gossip. There is one day when they are not in and it was bliss, but then someone from another dept. came and sat next to me and never shut up once and talks so much that I’m late back because I can’t get an opening to say I’ve got to go.

AIBU for wanting a quiet lunch and if so any ideas for getting a break?

No, of course I don't think people should 'never say anything at work that might risk not being what the other person wants'. But in answer to your point about reporting 'any other colleague problem', I'd say there's always potential for the other person to turn unreasonably arsey, because sometimes this is in fact what happens. And sometimes it just makes sense to be pragmatic and weigh up potential gain vs potential hassle in the future.

Yes, there is. But if that person does turn "unreasonably arsey" then it clearly becomes a manager and an HR issue.

At which point that person looks like a total dick, if their only defence is that they couldn't leave someone to eat their cheese and pickle sarnies in peace for an hour.

Yes, it does do harm to create a culture where adult professionals cannot deal with simple interactions by themselves but need management to step in on their behalf. Yes there is harm to that.

If OP's colleagues actually took offence to what she said and that had consequences for OP, then OP has bigger problems. With petty bullies looking for offence like that, you will inevitably get on their wrong side at some point. Luckily most people are not such psychopaths and the idea that one should deal with all social situations by assuming the other person is a vengeful psychopath is not a workable one and is certainly a harmful one. You should not be advocating for it.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, it's a pretty basic adult skill to be able to politely communicate with people and ask them not to do something

And this is it in a nutshell. As I said upthread, my son's nursery was teaching toddlers to five year olds this basic life skill.

I am absolutely gobsmacked that so many adults on this thread genuinely seem to think it is unreasonable to expect professional working adults to be able to do this.

tough tits for them - what you are saying is that OP should sacrifice her quiet time because some knobs can't take a "no"? bollocks to that.

I agree: use your words.

I might own several of them 🤔 🤣🤣

OP, just nicely but firmly tell your coworkers that you’re sitting in this area to get away for a bit and while you love the chats at your desks, you need some downtime. In other words phrase it in a “it’s me not you” way.

if they continue just pick up and leave with a breezy “oh I have to make a call” and move your stuff.

if that all fails find yourself some catalogs for random mlm sales and the next time they sit down say “oh great now that you’re here I can tell you about these fantastic new products I’m selling” I’m afraid you’re going to have to really sell this one (pun intended).

Or if that doesn’t work, then pull out a bible and ask them to pray with you…

You get the idea right?

On ear headphones, on silently if you wish.

I hear you OP. For some reason there is always one socially awkward woman at work that decides I am her new best friend. The last one that did this was my manager. She wouldn’t leave me alone. I could not bear her, we had nothing in common and I didn’t want to socialise with her in my time. My colleagues told me on days I WFH she was just foul to everyone and she would find reasons to make me meet with her or spend extra time with her. It was just awful. I left.

Now my team is all men and they do their thing and I do mine. It’s so much easier.

I think you need to be direct from the beginning. Polite, yet direct. In your case I would just eat and go back to your desk as soon as possible so it’s clear you are not you are not there to chat. Otherwise excuse yourself a few mins after they join (if you’ve eaten) and go for a walk. Just break the pattern.

Perhaps pop a pair of earphones in and just pretend your listening to something..?

Not at all unreasonable, if I was forced to be 'on' the entire day then I'd end up hiding in the toilet just to get some time alone.
If you can't go and eat in your car then ideas woul be:
Is it always the same couple of people? You could Wait them out, don't go to lunch until they have finished.
Sit in the busy area, but deliberately sit next to other people that you don't know so there isn't space for your colleagues. Nod and smile politely then put your headphones on and head down.
Stay in the quiet area, with big noise cancelling headphones. What is the layout? Any way you can sit somewhere with no space to sit near you?
Have some kind of busy work to do, either on paper or on your phone, lift one ear on the headphones, say oh hi, don't mind me, I'm just catching up on some life admin online,' and go back to ignoring them.
Or next time they come and sit with you and ignore you reading your book to talk about work things just laugh and say' I'm not paid enough to think about work on my lunch break, I'll deal with that when I'm back at my desk' and go back to your book/phone.

Get some big obvious headphones and keep pointing to them while smiling and shrugging helplessly to whoever sits down beside you.

YANBU. I've been in similar situations. I literally have to try find a corner and try to make myself as small as possible or glued to my phone so not to make eye contact. I want to have work friends in general but sometimes want to be left alone, so this makes it difficult to say to them I want some space as some people take this as an insult.
I don't want to sit in my car, I want space to be left alone for a few mins!

Are there any single spaces in this privacy area? Or even just tables with one seat? Can u maybe mention it to canteen manager that they should create some?

Can you sit with your back to the main area so people can't recognise you so easily?

Put the quiet sign on your table and do not engage them when they sit down. Nod hello and continue with your own thoughts. Hopefully, they’ll get the idea.

Yanbu. Said person needs to go to the social area and chat to other lunch sociable people. Probably she likes your company and wants you to have lunch with her. I used to go to school staffroom when I had a bit more time but otherwise stay in my classroom to get things done, so maybe mix it up a bit and do both? This is how new friendships can be formed, not just work talk. Don't have to be totally recluse every day? Xx

This, maybe the person is reaching out, has found a connection and desperately wants to chat. Xx

The OP is not a therapist or a support animal.

Obvious headphones. Face the room, shut your eyes and listen to a pod cast or audio book. They are unlikely to disturb you if they can't make eye contact.

Treat yourself to some conspicuous headphones - you can say you're listening to an audio book or learning a foreign language and cannot speak.

And??

Women can have boundaries. They can say No. They can point to the sign saying Quiet table.

I worked for a large IT firm and no matter what you did on your lunch break, staff and some managers saw that as "availability" and took the opportunity to bother you. The worst were those who started off with pleasantries and then spun it round to requests for assistance followed by deadlines - you just knew they had a meeting due and could now tell people they were waiting to hear back from "insert your name here".
When asked on one occasion if I was free, I replied I was on a break so they asked how busy I could be and I told them I was speaking to an undertaker - they waited a moment in silence and asked me to pop by their desk when I was done.
Eventually, I started buying lunch to go and sitting in the car.

Then the company was not providing you with your mandatory break.

No advice for you as I’m in a similar situation so this is more a post of solidarity than anything. I very rarely get a full lunch break, I know it’s illegal but at the minute it’s just the way it is as we are so under staffed and have lots of demanding customers to see. When I do go to eat, it’s normally at my desk because I won’t be there long enough to worry about walking to other side of the building to the staff room and every single day, without fail this particular member of staff will interrupt me. I will say ‘Sally (not her real name), I’m just trying to have 10 minutes to eat my food’ and she will say ‘I just have a quick question’ or ‘sorry to bother you’. Some days it’s takes all my strength to sit there and not just tell her to F off.

Ive said to her before, I don’t bother you on your lunch (she always makes sure she has her full hour), so please just respect these 10 minutes of my time so I can eat without someone needing me. I will literally be back out to help in 10 minutes. In one ear out the other. By the end of the day I’m so over hearing her voice I end up wanting to scream.

My NY resolution this year is to ensure I take a full lunch break so I can leave the premises and sit in peace somewhere else. It’s not my problem the company runs understaffed and I’m of the opinion that if enough customers complain they may actually do something about it.

Earphones/headphones you can download calming sounds which ever suits you and you can still read your book
I have being known to be blunt with colleagues before because I’ve just needed that break