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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Privacy on my break at work

233 replies

GreenwichMeanieTime · 30/12/2024 06:54

Where I work we have a large staff canteen as we can’t really go out and get food. It sits a lot of people and is noisy, but it also has a quiet area that is kind of sectioned off to the rest. I often go and sit there in my lunch to read my book, or do my emails or go on my phone and surf the net for things I’m researching e.g. holidays. If there’s space I’ll usually sit there.

Nearly every time I do this, someone from my team will come along and sit next to me, and say something like “ oh, you are being antisocial” and they proceed to talk for the remaining hour about work, what’s going on, Janet in accounts, this customer or that manager and their personal problems. I was in work on Friday and it happened again. I was feeling a bit ill after Boxing Day, went for some quiet time and 2 of my colleagues came along and sat with me and never shut up the whole hour.

Now, to get to this area you literally have to go through the whole canteen and go round a bit cordoned off to get to it. If you go there it’s because you want some privacy.

Now I like my work colleagues but I don’t want to talk about work in my lunch break. I’ve got things to do which if I get them done and off my list, my life outside is a lot easier. Also, my work is quite stressful, and I need a break. I need to eat and do something else for a while. On Friday I literally felt like crying when I heard the clatter of trays on the table. They totally ignore that I am reading a book. I go back to my desk feeling like I’ve had no break.

I’ve tried to fudge my lunch break a bit, going early or late, and it’s made a bit of difference but now a couple of them are saying to let them know when I am going so we can have lunch together. Like I said, the talk is all about the company or work gossip. There is one day when they are not in and it was bliss, but then someone from another dept. came and sat next to me and never shut up once and talks so much that I’m late back because I can’t get an opening to say I’ve got to go.

AIBU for wanting a quiet lunch and if so any ideas for getting a break?

OP posts:
thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 11:33

godmum56 · 30/12/2024 11:19

surely that is their problem and not the OP's?

It should be, absolutely. But I'm sure we've all worked with someone at one time or another who has created an atmosphere over nothing.

FinallyHere · 30/12/2024 11:34

Windcatcger · 30/12/2024 08:33

OP im extroverted and years ago I would have sat with you as I thought I was doing you a favour. Im now older and wiser and wouldn’t disturb you.

I think you need to be honest, just say oh sorry I’m really into my book and wanted some quiet time today, just make sure you are friendly and people should be ok with this. After a while they should get the message

This

Just say straightforwardly that you have personal stuff you need to get on with in your lunch time and you will see them when you are back at work.

Give them a chance to be adults about this.

PostXmas · 30/12/2024 11:35

BrightonFrock · 30/12/2024 11:15

For heaven's sake, no one is suggesting that HR calls everyone in for individual meetings to discuss this, or hosts an all-day personal space awareness workshop.

There’s a designated quiet area. People aren’t using it as such. Two minutes to send an email saying “Please respect the quiet area and keep conversation to an absolute minimum” should not be a big ask for an HR team. It’s literally asking employees to make sure they’re abiding by a policy the company has implemented. That’s actually exactly what (amongst many other things) HR is for!

Maybe you got so excited about your award that you thought you were above covering the basics.

Edited

I echo this.

The solution isn't really for OP to assert herself (clearly she finds this difficult otherwise she wouldn't be posting).

The solution is for the company to either properly designate this space a quiet zone (it sounds like it is only informally used as such by its nature, rather than an explicitly made 'rule').

The welfare of employees and right to a restful break are what HR should be thinking of to help staff morale, improve retention etc. If it's a company big enough to have a canteen it's a company big enough to have a quiet space for employees and an HR team that are thinking about working conditions.

Seeing the other side of the coin, lots of workplaces barely have a space for you to have lunch at all. And many people don't really get to have a lunch break full stop due to how the working day pans out. So to ask for a dedicated area is a relative 'luxury'.

But I really don't think it's unreasonable, given the size of company we're talking about here, and that space is pretty much already meant to be like that.

Go for it OP - raise with HR you'd like this area considered to be a Quiet Space. It might not happen overnight but you never know!

DepartingRadish · 30/12/2024 11:38

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 10:40

Umm, perhaps because some people would take that badly and create awkwardness going forward?

Are you seriously suggesting people should avoid politely saying "no", in case the other person takes it badly?

Where's the line for that? If the other person makes offensive comments? If the other person starts nicking their lunch?

Absolutely bonkers.

DogInATent · 30/12/2024 11:39

FinallyHere · 30/12/2024 11:34

This

Just say straightforwardly that you have personal stuff you need to get on with in your lunch time and you will see them when you are back at work.

Give them a chance to be adults about this.

Be reasonable.
80% of posts and replies on MN are supporting/enabling Adults Not Adulting.

godmum56 · 30/12/2024 11:41

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 11:33

It should be, absolutely. But I'm sure we've all worked with someone at one time or another who has created an atmosphere over nothing.

Yup and they can be taught not to!

InaChristmastizz · 30/12/2024 11:41

@PostXmas I disagree although maybe HR could run some assertiveness training for those that clearly need it. (Majority on this thread by the looks of it!)

Then the OP would be equipped with the skills needed to tackle lots of other non work issues too.

InaChristmastizz · 30/12/2024 11:48

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 11:32

Of course they should assert their boundaries, but sometimes in a workplace situation I can see it creating difficulties if the other person decides to get all huffy about it.

And this issue has nothing to do with gender for me btw, so you're way off base with your assumptions in the last two paragraphs.

I have to agree with @bluetonguegiraffe on this one.

Also anyone who uses the word ‘gender’ instead of ‘sex’ clearly doesn’t understand the first thing about the feminist movement.

BeardofHagrid · 30/12/2024 12:21

I think you should say hi, smile etc, then just go silent. Bury your head in your phone or a book, or simply concentrate on your lunch, and block them out. I don’t think that’s rude, it’s simply you getting on with your break. They will soon get the hint and leave you alone.

saraclara · 30/12/2024 12:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

I really hope that you don't use the hideous 'use your words' in your professional setting.

It's a phrase that needs to die. As a teacher of very young children it was a phrase I had to ban my assistants from using.

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 12:38

DepartingRadish · 30/12/2024 11:38

Are you seriously suggesting people should avoid politely saying "no", in case the other person takes it badly?

Where's the line for that? If the other person makes offensive comments? If the other person starts nicking their lunch?

Absolutely bonkers.

I've answered this in replies to pps.

SadSandwich · 30/12/2024 12:38

I think as PP have said you need to work on your assertiveness.

So each day have something you have prepared in advance so you are prepared- it can be the same thing of different - something like hope you don’t mind but I usually have a million and one things to get sorted so I’m just going to sit over there. Nice to see you and a heads up that I have a few bills I’ve got to pay so will need some privacy. It’s Thursday today so that’s my food order day Im just going to sit over there and get that done. Im listening to my audible today have a good lunch. Im not really up for having a chat today so I’m going to get some quiet time for my lunch today.

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 12:40

InaChristmastizz · 30/12/2024 11:48

I have to agree with @bluetonguegiraffe on this one.

Also anyone who uses the word ‘gender’ instead of ‘sex’ clearly doesn’t understand the first thing about the feminist movement.

Fuck's sake.

In case you hadn't noticed, OP didn't post about 'the feminist movement' and I don't particularly care what you think about my choice of words.

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 12:42

godmum56 · 30/12/2024 11:41

Yup and they can be taught not to!

Should that really be OP's battle to fight, though? She just wants to do her job and have some peace at lunchtimes some days, she's not responsible for educating her colleagues on their seemingly non-existent boundaries.

Fraaances · 30/12/2024 12:45

“Guys, I’m not being antisocial… I’m knackered. I came in here for some peace and quiet so I can build up for the rest of the afternoon.”

CantHoldMeDown · 30/12/2024 12:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

godmum56 · 30/12/2024 12:48

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 12:42

Should that really be OP's battle to fight, though? She just wants to do her job and have some peace at lunchtimes some days, she's not responsible for educating her colleagues on their seemingly non-existent boundaries.

my response was to a comment that the OP shouldn't do anything in case the person caused trouble at work because of it. No she is not responsible for educating her colleagues but she shouldn't worry about how a person will react when she refuses to talk to them because she wants some peace and quiet.

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 12:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

That's sort of my point in a way. I don't think it should be on OP in the first place. It sounds like it's her colleagues being socially clueless.

As it sounds like she's going to need to say something, though, I think @Fraaances's suggestion is good: “Guys, I’m not being antisocial… I’m knackered. I came in here for some peace and quiet so I can build up for the rest of the afternoon.”

NPET · 30/12/2024 12:51

Is it predominantly men we're talking about? If so, I know the problem (BOY, do I know the problem!) and I just tell them where to go.

OK I'm 20 and "conventionally pretty" ats, so I guess they expect it, but... aaaaaargh!!

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2024 12:59

Mooetenchante · 30/12/2024 09:14

Can you go out for a walk at lunchtime - if the weathers good - and find a bench to sit on ?

Why should she have to?

And what does she do when the weather's awful?

DepartingRadish · 30/12/2024 13:00

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 12:38

I've answered this in replies to pps.

You said that people have probably worked with others who get huffy and create an atmosphere at work. That doesn't answer my question about when you think it would be OK for OP to speak up and say "no". But no matter.

If someone at work causes an atmosphere because they have very politely been asked not to bother someone, then that's their behavioural problem. If it becomes an enduring issue then it goes to their manager and then on to HR.

Arguably they behave this way precisely because everyone has tiptoed round them and put up with it.

ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 13:04

Can you not leave the premises at all at lunchtime?

Unless you're paid for your lunch break, it's your own personal time.

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 13:14

DepartingRadish · 30/12/2024 13:00

You said that people have probably worked with others who get huffy and create an atmosphere at work. That doesn't answer my question about when you think it would be OK for OP to speak up and say "no". But no matter.

If someone at work causes an atmosphere because they have very politely been asked not to bother someone, then that's their behavioural problem. If it becomes an enduring issue then it goes to their manager and then on to HR.

Arguably they behave this way precisely because everyone has tiptoed round them and put up with it.

OP can speak up any time she wants to, that's her right. But if someone does create an atmosphere as a result, do you really think that would be an easy thing to report to a manager/HR? I think it'd be like nailing fog to a table. OP would only have her impression of the other person's manner to go on, and could easily end up being treated like she'd imagined the whole thing, was being oversensitive, or was making stuff up to cause trouble.

bluetonguegiraffe · 30/12/2024 13:17

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 11:32

Of course they should assert their boundaries, but sometimes in a workplace situation I can see it creating difficulties if the other person decides to get all huffy about it.

And this issue has nothing to do with gender for me btw, so you're way off base with your assumptions in the last two paragraphs.

Okay. So basically your argument is people should assert their boundaries, but only if they are sure absolutely everyone else will be okay with that.

Right.

thatsgotit · 30/12/2024 13:19

bluetonguegiraffe · 30/12/2024 13:17

Okay. So basically your argument is people should assert their boundaries, but only if they are sure absolutely everyone else will be okay with that.

Right.

Wow, twisting my words much? I was saying nothing of the sort, merely making an observation.

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