To be upset and angry about my mums weight

[worriedallthetime15]

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

That might be it, it's also just, I don't know, control maybe? So she can control who comes in and out.

I used to more, it's slipped by the wayside with all of this and now it's very much said that with germs spreading around I could catch something bring it back and kill my nan if she catches it. So it's tough.

Do you feel able to say any more about your own situation with regards disability, @worriedallthetime15 ? Are you physically capable of living independently, would you need supported living or an adapted property etc? You don’t have to say but just wondering how you can explore your options a bit.

It sounds as if OP and her mother have carers burnout. I agree with those suggesting injectables as well . I hope things improve @worriedallthetime15

@worriedallthetime15 I know I seem hard on your DM but don't let her stop you going out. You really need some time to yourself, some fresh air and some quiet to be at peace.

Addiction is a vicious cycle (whatever it is - food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping) Deep down, I imagine she knows she is killing herself and hurting you and is terrified and the anxiety is causing her to eat more as its the only way she knows to soothe herself. She also probably thinks she is beyond help and just wants everyone to leave her alone. A big part of addiction is shame, she won't want to see a health professional as she's embarrassed about the state she has got herself in. It's a lot for you to shoulder, you're not a mental health specialist and you have an emotional attachment that comes with being her daughter. She does need to speak with a professional, someone who has real experience with addiction so that she can start to unravel why and start taking care of herself x

Honestly, you could be me fifteen years ago. My mum said very similar things to me. I could not begin to imagine moving out. It felt completely impossible and as if I would be abandoning her, even though her problems were largely of her own making both in terms of her lack of care for her health and her refusal to see the right doctors or do what they suggested she should do. My mum spent many years caring for my gran and I think that contributed to her sense of being entitled to my life given over to caring for her.

I'm a parent now and all I can tell you is that I would never, ever expect that level of care from my child and I would rather die alone in my own shit than steal my child's life.

@BenditlikeBridget you have given some brilliant advice. Op I know it's a lot to take in but please try. You have insight as you have clearly shown in your posts. You CAN change all this.

I don't want to reveal everything but I have physical and mental disabilities, I am able to walk but have a lot of pain all the time. I try to take care of myself so I'm in a better way than some. No wheelchair or anything.

Being gently honest about what you can and can't do when she, or others, ask for help, fine. Commenting upon another adult's eating habits/weight, Not fine.

Maybe your mum won’t go to the doctor because she’s worried about being met with judgement rather than help? Like she’s already getting.

Thank you for this. I just don't know what to do, she says she loves me and I know she does, but also whenever I'll say I'm in pain she dismisses it as 'so am I' even though she doesn't have things like I do.

I agree, she might think that as she's done this (although she hasn't moved out as she wasn't able to, so relied on being there) she would obviously expect the same of me. She says over and over that she would never go in a care home and it's obvious it's down to me. She doesn't have the same thoughts as you do about your children.

In the past, if I've wanted to do things alone or go places she'll say 'I can't believe you're doing this' or 'why can't I come' if going away alone. I know it's toxic, I've known for years, but it's hard.

How did you break away? How did things change for you?

No, it's not that. She's had a 'fear' of them all the time. She doesn't like a dr or a hospital. She just refuses to go as she says they'll find something and she'll be dying.

Believe me it's been years of trying to get her to get some form of MH help. She refuses that as well.

I know, but how. It feels impossible to even start.

The Liverpool Care Pathway, a very deliberate policy, it is euthanasia by stealth.

You have no intention of doing anything have you? That is the truth.
How old are you OP?

I've tried to get her to speak with someone for years, she always flat out refuses.

She doesn't believe in mental health, when I've had my struggles she says I'm just doing it. She says awful things about people who take their own life or she says it's attention seeking. She doesn't want that kind of help.

Again, if I bring it up it's a huge argument... If I bring anything up she disagrees with or offends her it's a blowout of her attacking me.

I know it's toxic, you don't need to tell me.

Rubbish! You have no idea what you're talking about

OP, it seems to me you’re scared of being alone yet you’re equally scared by staying in this family unit. You’re scared of what will come to you regarding caring and making decisions for people who won’t help themselves.

It is time to pick your version of scared.

In your shoes, I’d be very quietly searching for somewhere new to live and searching for groups to join that will give you company and interests. I know you have health issues so groups like book groups would be a good start.

As for your mum and gran, well they have agency to decide for themselves. It suits them to have you at home doing what they need to you to do. Are they thinking about you though?

Make 2025 the year you are “selfish” and focus on developing your life.

Reading your thread reminds me so much of the Bette Davis film “Whatever happened to Baby Jane?” It’s a completely toxic set up just like yours- but you do have the power to make your life happier. You have to be brave though and make the changes.

You can learn to say no. You can contact social services and say you can't do this anymore.

Oh my god, please I don't need you attacking me. Can you not see that I'm going through a lot and I'm in a lot of pain and burned out to the point of exhaustion right now? I can't see a path to even getting a good rest, so it's daunting to have to think of a way to cut off all my family in one go and sustain an attack by them and also move all of my stuff and find somewhere to live. Like, can you just for one moment see that I'm maybe drained of any motivation. I can't walk to the kitchen without crying I'm in so much pain, it's a little daunting right now. Not to mention the trauma I've just been through this year.

Maybe a little understanding.

I don't think this is in place anymore?

Yep, that's it. When we brought it up in the ICU the dr got offended and said that there were good things in there that are needed. Make of that what you want.

I'm sorry I hope this didn't seem like an attack as well. It must take a huge amount of courage to stand up to them, I do understand.

It isn't, it went out of practice about 10 years ago, due to bad publicity, because people don't understand the process of dying and how giving food and water to people can actually be harmful.

You say you're a nurse, but then you'll know that the LCP hasn't been in existence for years.