To be upset and angry about my mums weight

[worriedallthetime15]

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

You're being dramatic, you don't have to cut them off, you set boundaries and you start to live your own life,

I didn't say I was a nurse, I said I knew the details of the patients, not that I was a nurse. I wfh, I'm not a nurse.

If you've read my posts you'll see that that is not an option. If I so much as say we need help/carer/cleaner I'm told I'm killing them. To move it would be hell, I said if I were to do it they wouldn't speak to me so it would be cutting them off.

I know them and their behaviours better than you.

Have pm'd you for a more detailed convo if that helps

I took this as you were a nurse - apologies - however you don't know all the other patients medical history.

It didn't, it was just the other post. I do need to, I always have, but it always ends up the same way, I say no and set boundaries and then I'm killing them and all screaming breaks loose.

It can't go on, I'd rather not be alive than have to put up with this, especially the circumstances we're in now, it's going to be hell if I can't even suggest anything. It's just difficult to even know where or how to begin.

You have no intention of moving on or doing anything to change, you are as dependent of this unhealthy relationship as they are.
Until you change the dynamics, nothing will change.

This is a very subtle and complex situation that the OP is in which will take time and thought to unravel. She's not being dramatic. She's been stuck for years and is just starting to flex a bit. All reinforcement that it's reasonable for her to want her own life and her own boundaries is helpful but she doesn't need to be made to feel stupid because she's finding a hard situation hard.

I think it's possible to solve this whilst keeping you alive, OP 😘

Well, I was as the families were in talks with each other as to what was going on. Anyway, it's not really the point of this thread. It did happen, others saw it and it happened time and again. My own nan was dehydrated until we had to intervene, they even lied on her medical records about it and said she had fluids via IV when she hadn't. But again, not the point.

Why are you letting these women use you as a slave?
I would step away and leave them to it, you clearly have enough of your own health issues to deal with, look after number one & let them do the same.

Please, can you just not. If you've read the posts you'll see I'm disabled, exhausted and in a lot of pain and have no other family. It's not as simple as me leaving tonight and it's sorted.

Thanks for your input anyway. I'll leave our chat here now.

I’m wondering if there are any charities in your area that might support you to find a room in a shared house with other people with disabilities. Or, for that matter, those fleeing domestic abuse, which I think is probably not a million miles away from your situation tbh. Worth a google at some point?

If you can stand back a bit can you see that this behaviour is how they keep you 'in line' kind of like manipulation?

I come from a similar background. I escaped to university as a teen, but my mum would threaten to 'ring them up and tell them what I am like" so I couldn't go, and when I did go would ring them pretending things like someone was 'out to get me' for example.

I have all my life had to e.g. hide workplaces and info from here, if you look at the Out of the FOG site there are many people NC (no contact) with such people / family - FOG is 'fear, obligation and guilt' which is how you can feel with these 'families'

maybe if you can start to stand back and look at things like this it might help you a bit. Small steps.

As an aside, does anyone know what the OP's position might be if they declared themselves homeless / being abused? To e.g. the council, or could they go to some kind of shelter for those in abusive relationships e.g women's aid?

there is also a charity called Stand alone I think https://www.standalone.org.uk

Thank you, you're so kind.

Something like this might be able to advise you on some options OP, even if they’re not right for you themselves: https://www.achievetogether.co.uk/our-services/supported-living/

I completely get this but if you are disabled and your mother is morbidly obese then has a heart attack or stroke there is no way you can physically provide the care she needs. Even if you 'just' end up liaising with her care providers, doing her life admin and making social calls to her it will be overwhelming, especially if your grandmother is still around. You are already burnt out. I would ask for a Carers Assessment for yourself from Social Services and reach our to the carer charities in your area.

I'm sorry some posters are being unkind Op. You can't do everything at once, start small and see what you can do. Start with benefits, would you get help with rent, pip, anything that would help. Once you know your budget then start looking at possible accommodation.
If you're getting overwhealmed see your GP, they might be able to help. And keep it all to yourself until you'te sure what you want to do next

I really feel for you OP, your mental/physical health is also being massively impacted. I fear it may take a unavoidable health crisis for this situation (as in she is hospitalised without having the choice) When you live with someone who will not confront an addiction, it is just like a speeding car that you have zero control over and you're just waiting for the crash. Being enmeshed is horrible, do you have some other support available? Apologies if I have missed I your previous posts but are you in a situation where you could leave (as side from the emotional wrench of leaving) financially could you move out?

That's so weird because my mum would say similar things like, I'm going to tell them all what you're really like, even threatened to tell friends if I was say crying or hurt and upset about something, that she's tell them or their parents. It's so weird to see it from someone else.

Even my therapist, she'll say 'oh I bet you're blaming everything on me' and stuff.

It can leave you in fear of what they might do next. It's a horrible feeling, abusive really.

I have only really found peace from going NC a few years ago and keeping everything secret. I moved away after university and have not been back.

Maybe you can plan an escape route.

Your dm is being abusive and definitely manipulated you to keep you there. I wish freedom for you.

Did it cross your mind that perhaps your mum is deliberately trying to make herself ill so you'll have to stay and look after her ........ and you'll never have a life or a husband or anything?

That's not love. It's selfish manipulation. Your mum won't realise that though because she's never had to think about it. I'm sure she means well and loves you but she's needing stood up to. And that's the hard part.

With regard to carers allowance you said someone gets, that should be used as a way to pay for cleaners. Who will be told to wear masks and fresh gloves on arrival to prevent spreading diseases. That then frees you up.

You just need to learn to say no to their requests. If your mum says she can't do something as she's in pain and you say so am I. Then what happens? Why does her level of pain trump yours? Ask her!

You also work all day. Why don't they take that into account while they are sitting all day doing nothing?

You really do need to move out.

@worriedallthetime15 please listen to @DeliciousApples !

Who buys her all this sugary stuff?

I can’t believe that she buys it herself if morbidly obese?

I bet she doesn’t even enjoy it- it’s binge eating : 2 litres of ice cream?
That’s over four pints.

It’s shocking, and she can’t feel nice afterwards.