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Original poster

Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

161 replies

HeartyZebra · 29/12/2024 15:06

I (47F) am in a relationship for a year with my partner (50M). I never had any children in my one previous relationship and lost a pregnancy. He has two kids, 10 and 14. He went through a bad patch with drink and drugs and she threw him out 9 years ago. I’m his first relationship since then. There’s no custody agreement and he fears going to court because he’s been incarcerated.
Prior to our relationship, he was at his ex’s house most nights with the kids. She has dressed me down, saying I made her life difficult because he only minds the kids 3 nights a week now. She has refused to allow him to see the kids at all if I am at his house. But I live with him now. He had to throw me out of the house on Christmas in order to see his kids. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her but she just yelled at me that now she can’t do yoga and book group.
I’m more than willing to watch the kids. I know Mom comes first and I should be humble and kind. How can I get through to her?

OP posts:
Nerdlings · 29/12/2024 15:09

What you mean is that your partner won't allow you to be in his house.

The ex can make any demands she wants but it doesn't mean your partner has to act on them.

This situation is of his making

Holliegee · 29/12/2024 15:09

You can’t, she’s deranged with anger and needs to blame someone and that unfortunately is you.
if the relationship is worth it then you’ll just have to carry on with this unreasonable situation until she realises it’s no having the effect she wants or until your Dp stands up to her - but you don’t want to be the spark that causes the catalyst.
so whenever you are not allowed to be there,plan nice things for yourself and let her see.
bet that soon changes things

UndermyShoeJoe · 29/12/2024 15:13

You have a dp problem not an ex problem.

His letting her control his life. It’s easier for him to throw you out than stand up to her. He would rather keep her happy than you, he would rather chuck you out then go to court for his kids because his an ex con, ex druggie, ex alcoholic?

Throw this one back there has to be much much better options out there.

TenderChicken · 29/12/2024 15:13

At the end of the day, this is for him to sort out, not you.

But why on earth did you move in? If he is never going to seek a formal custody arrangement, and his ex had been clear that she was going to be difficult about your presence, what on earth did you both think was going to happen?

Bearbookagainandagain · 29/12/2024 15:13

It's very much up to your partner to sort this out, going to court if need be.
His ex has no right to dictate who is or isn't at his house when the kids are with him.

Goldbar · 29/12/2024 15:29

This one is not worth the hassle.

Endofyear · 29/12/2024 20:11

You've moved in after only being with him a year, this was your mistake. He's had problems with drink & drugs and been in prison. I expect his ex has put up with a lot and it's very reasonable for her to mistrust him and you. I would stay out of it - it's his problem to sort, not yours. If his solution is to ask you to leave the house so he can have his children there, I would personally be moving out. This relationship has disaster written all over it.

SpicyMarge · 29/12/2024 20:12

Your boyfriend is a former (?) addict jailbird who threw you out on Christmas Day, and you’re insisting that his ex is the issue?

JMSA · 29/12/2024 20:13

Why have you saddled yourself with this loser?
Those poor kids Sad

Marchweshall · 29/12/2024 20:15

He’s been in prison and had a drink and drug addiction. He sounds like a catch.

Hoppinggreen · 29/12/2024 20:21

You can do better OP

GulfCoast · 29/12/2024 20:33

From some of your vocabulary, I’m guessing you’re here in the US, not the UK so some of the advice you get here may not apply. I’m in the US. It depends on the terms of the divorce and custody order whether the mother can stipulate which other adults are in the home when the children visit. But in this case there is no custody order so it’s not her place to make such demands.

AngelinaFibres · 01/01/2025 10:21

So you've chosen a 50 year old addict ( he will always be an addict btw) who has been to prison and has a hugely troubled relationship with his ex partner ( I imagine she went through seven levels of shitty hell with him) as your partner.You are a mature, child free woman . The world is your oyster yet you have settled for this. Why?

Christmassoxs · 01/01/2025 10:26

Why are you with this person? He sounds a complete waste of space on so many levels and being dictated to by his ex. From what you say though I'm not sure I'd want my kids around someone like that though. As for her yoga and book club what does that have to do with anything.
You can do so much better than this man. Raise the bar.

Greenqueen40 · 01/01/2025 10:31

Wow what a catch, run a mile.

MILLYmo0se · 01/01/2025 10:31

Why can't the nights hes with the kids be the nights she has yoga and book club? Or does she have something on 5 evenings a week? Why does he never have the kids at his place? If he is renaging on the established pattern of time he spent with the child since they split 9 years ago just because you turned up I can understand her being annoyed. It's not entirely reasonable but I can understand it

AngelinaFibres · 01/01/2025 10:32

I was married to an addict.
His order of importance in life will be as follows

HIMSELF
DRUGS /ALCOHOL
His children ( as long as they don't get in the way of or cause any inconvenience whatsoever to the previous 3 things on this list).
His friends.
His ex.
You ( but only if you're quiet/ compliant/ financially/ sexually useful).

healthybychristmas · 01/01/2025 10:34

For crying out loud, what are you doing with this man? He is an absolute loser. It's a variation on the theme though where you've moved in with him. The sort of guy usually move in with the woman and makes her life hell.

YourGladSquid · 01/01/2025 10:45

I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her but she just yelled at me

It would be a cold day in hell before I did any of this and I’m the most meek person on earth.

I don’t agree that an addict will always be selfish (unless he’s in active addiction) but what your DP did is inexcusable. They both sound trashy af.

Snowballsarelush · 01/01/2025 10:48

If he's had major drink and drugs problems and has been to prison, I suspect there's a lot more to his past than you actually know despite what he's told you.

She simply doesn't trust you. And with his past choices how can you blame her? you really don't know whose been in and out of his life and what she and the kids have been through.

Are you financially independent? if so, get out of this situation and don't look back.

I suspect you only know the tip of the iceberg.

Zuma76 · 01/01/2025 11:04

Blimey. I don’t think OP came into Mumsnet ( apparently a supportive environment) to receive a lecture on who she should fall for. She is 47 with no children. Why should she not move in if she wants to live with him full time. The bloke was a car crash 9 years ago. While the pp is right that he will always be an addict, that doesn’t mean he will always be a car crash. Plenty of people go through a recovery programme and end up better people as a result. OP I have no advice on your situation but I do agree that he needs to resolve this and that cannot always mean you have to leave your home to accommodate her issues.

Snowballsarelush · 01/01/2025 11:11

What did he go to prison for @HeartyZebra ?

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/01/2025 11:13

Kindly, what the hell are you doing op? Get the hell out of there! This is not worth the hassle, and frankly he doesn’t sound like catch of the year. Sorry

cartagenagina · 01/01/2025 11:13

Dear Lord just dump him before he ruins your precious life.

Sunshine1500 · 01/01/2025 11:16

Why did you move in with him ?

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