Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

[HeartyZebra]

I (47F) am in a relationship for a year with my partner (50M). I never had any children in my one previous relationship and lost a pregnancy. He has two kids, 10 and 14. He went through a bad patch with drink and drugs and she threw him out 9 years ago. I’m his first relationship since then. There’s no custody agreement and he fears going to court because he’s been incarcerated.
Prior to our relationship, he was at his ex’s house most nights with the kids. She has dressed me down, saying I made her life difficult because he only minds the kids 3 nights a week now. She has refused to allow him to see the kids at all if I am at his house. But I live with him now. He had to throw me out of the house on Christmas in order to see his kids. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her but she just yelled at me that now she can’t do yoga and book group.
I’m more than willing to watch the kids. I know Mom comes first and I should be humble and kind. How can I get through to her?

I think your energy would be better spent in something to help your self esteem then joining in with this drama and being in a relationship with a scummy man.

I'd have thought you would be a bit of a catch for a similar aged chap who isn't interested in children, surely that's a bonus. I'd also suggest some counselling for the issues you have with not having children, childless women are not somehow lesser as you seem to be suggesting.

Life is too short for this absolute rubbish.

Caught up in their drama. Get rid

Do better. Come on. Being alone is better than this.

OP this is wrong. You're old, childless and worthless?? Do you really feel that way? Or is this relationship making you feel this way? I don't mean this unkindly but where is your self-worth?

I can't see this ever being fixed because she's ridiculous and he's useless so if I were you I would call it a day and get on with making a better life for yourself where you don't feel like a bit player and mug.

I know quite a few academics, largely through my work, and there are plenty of single middle aged women academics who have no problem whatsoever getting an intelligent boyfriend on their level.

You are an education woman. You are not worthless. Get a grip on reality!
You shacked up with a convict. HE willingly jumps to the exes tune. I dunno who the hell has got in your head about your importance or hierarchy of importance but age has fuck all to do with it.
Have some self respect lady. You are worthy of love and kindness. He did not have the right to kick you out of your home on Christmas day because his ex wanted it that way. What about boundaries? What happens on dad's time is up to dad. He is deliberately choosing this because he doesn't want to be dragged to court. It's easier. He is picking the easier choice!
What a prick!
You deserve better! Don't you dare apologise for being in existence, for being "childless" or anything else similar. Men like him are lucky to have women like you. Period.

I would aim to bolster my self-esteem rather than spend time on Mumsnet being sarcastic and rude, if I was you.

You are the one choosing to stay with this absolute idiot.

Your "partner" is the problem. You shouldn't very thrown out of your home at Christmas. Why couldn't he go to her home to spend tine with the children. He's give in to unreasonable demands for a quiet life. If she can't do her social events anymore that's her problem. She can't make boundaries and then complain about her own boundaries impending her activities. Personally, I wouldn't get involved. Let him deal with his ex and hold your own boundaries because I certainly wouldn't be put out if a house I pay for because of whims of the Ex.

Get out of this relationship and spend time on your own self-worth. For a professional woman with standing in the community, you speak horribly about yourself. You make 47 sound like 80! Being childless does not mean you have to allow yourself to be treated like a door mat by your partner or his ex.

You're not worthless, far from it. Sounds like you're well educated and contribute a lot to society. Birthing children does not make you a more valuable member of society

It does sound as though your self esteem is on the floor and you can't see that this bloke is not worthy of you and he's really not and do you really need all this drama?

@HeartyZebra you deserve better than this oaf. Honestly, you are better off on your own than with someone so undeserving of you.

Please stop talking about yourself like this!! You are absolutely not worthless just because you are 47 and childless. Everyone has their own journey in life and if you are the first to think you are worthless you will always let other people think they can treat you like you actually are! You are a professor at University for pete's sake! You are definitely not worthless!!!!

If you want to stay with him, I would recommend moving back out to your own place. You need a home that you don't lose access to for whatever reason!

Better to have kept your own place than moved in within a year with a guy like this with so much baggage. He's the twat for throwing you out of the house, it's not his ex who did that, but it's the fact he's got all these issues with ex, custody and his own flaws that are the red flags that should've made you more wary and should make you step back now and take things more slowly. If this is even real. Your silly responses about being old etc make me very doubtful that you're a 47yo professor unless you've been having a drink before posting. Obviously no one thinks that and for that to be your response is pretty weird and worrying.

You deserve better don’t let him beat down your self esteem.

This man is still too entangled with his ex to be available for a relationship with you. Even if he didn't have all the other points going against him.

You would see that yourself if you didn't hate yourself so much.

Are you sure? There are only (according to the internet) a couple of states that have mandatory imprisonment for a simple DUI and then it's a not for a lengthy period that might affect child contact arrangments.

Babe you need to work on valuing yourself - you can definitely find someone who wouldn’t chuck you out of your place of residency.

One of the most fabulous women I know is 65! I aspire to be like her, just minding her own business being hot and chill.

Hey, I'm just glad they came back 🤣🍿

Childless women are not worthless. How could you say such a thing?

I really feel for you OP. It is hugely disrespectful that your partner is allowing you to be treated like this. Only he can fix this situation, by standing up to his ex or by having official custody arrangements put in place. I can understand why she is resentful, I can imagine she tried for years to get him to be a sober, present partner and parent. Seeing him now sober, and having a new relationship must be quite difficult for her to watch. That's not your fault though and it's unfair you are being treated this way. I agree with other commenters though, being a professor I imagine that you are a very intelligent and successful woman in your own right. Being childless might not be how you saw things working out for you, but it by no means makes you useless. At all. In fact, while these two are squabbling over custody arrangements you are free to walk away at any time and live your life.

What are your interests? Join some groups relating to them, meet like minded people. You seem to think you are old and past it. Ludicrous! Other people your age now have grown up children, and are looking to start life over, find themselves and their interests and hobbies again. Live your life OP, don't be dragged into the mess between these two. Especially when your partner doesn't seem to possess the backbone to defend you. Chucked out on Christmas day? That's horrible. Please go and enjoy your life, far away from these two and their drama. Book yourself a few days away if it's a possibility, enjoy the rest of the winter break before uni is back. Treat yourself to somewhere/something nice. Try to see the perks of not being tied to the home and children's routines. You've mentioned loneliness. So is it that you really do love this man, enjoy his company, see a fulfilling future with him? Or is it that you're willing to put up with being treated this way because you don't want to be alone? Being alone and lonely is tough, but being in a relationship and still feeling lonely is worse.

So my DP threw me out of our home, and spent Christmas with his Ex and the kids because she demanded it. I DO understand that as a childless woman, I am worthless and she as the Mum MUST come first and even demand he drop me. I get all that. And that I am very lucky a man would even look at a woman my age who can't give him more children. Maybe I should just stay out of society.

Putting your professional hat on, does this sound a healthy and helpful frame of mind?

Are you sure? There are only (according to the internet) a couple of states that have mandatory imprisonment for a simple DUI and then it's a not for a lengthy period that might affect child contact arrangments.

How did you conclude OP is (presumably) in the US?

If he hasn't drank or done drugs in a long time it probably won't be held against him in court, and he has capably parented since without issue. He's probably more worried than he has to be but ianal.