Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

[HeartyZebra]

I (47F) am in a relationship for a year with my partner (50M). I never had any children in my one previous relationship and lost a pregnancy. He has two kids, 10 and 14. He went through a bad patch with drink and drugs and she threw him out 9 years ago. I’m his first relationship since then. There’s no custody agreement and he fears going to court because he’s been incarcerated.
Prior to our relationship, he was at his ex’s house most nights with the kids. She has dressed me down, saying I made her life difficult because he only minds the kids 3 nights a week now. She has refused to allow him to see the kids at all if I am at his house. But I live with him now. He had to throw me out of the house on Christmas in order to see his kids. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her but she just yelled at me that now she can’t do yoga and book group.
I’m more than willing to watch the kids. I know Mom comes first and I should be humble and kind. How can I get through to her?

Try and see it from her point of view - she’s had to put up with a criminal addict with a knack for making poor choices, it’s a big ask to just accept a new person into her children’s lives when he’s proven himself to be so useless and untrustworthy

Have to agree with this.

Making sure the kids are in a stable environment and maintaining contact with their dad is much more important than dad's new relationship.

Suspect the kids have been to hell and back with all this. They should absolutely come first.

You offering to look after them was inappropriate. Their mum doesn't know you or trust you based on past experiences of dealing with his choices. He really should be focusing on maintaining a good relationship with his kids not making the situation more complicated.

Throw him back.

Whatever his past is, people do genuinley change and make fresh starts sometimes however he and his ex are still so codependent that it can never work out right.

She still punishes him by not letting him move on and start afresh whilst coparenting.

They punish their children by not letting them see their father in a new relationship getting healthier and stronger and coping without his addiction.

He still feels so guilty for what he put them through that he bows her her demands and spends most of his time at her house to let her have chance to go out and have a social life whilst the kids are cared for that he neglect his own life and you to the point where he throws you out of your home to bow to her.

Then you ring her and apologise for being with her EX because of her stupid "rules"? You allow him to "throw you out" because she told him to?

Nah love. You can do so much better for yourself with less pressure, less baggage and less heartache.

Whilst they are in the revenge/guilt cycle this will never end and will never be an easy relationship.

You can’t get through to her. Quite honestly she cannot control what happens in his home.

He needs to get legal advice, he can start at citizens advice and go from there. She doesn’t have a right to do any of this and it’s got nothing to do with book club or yoga.

She knows he has stable home life and he could in fact be entitled to 50/50 custody. This will impact her financially, potentially if he’s paying her child support. It could also impact her benefits if she’s claiming due to not being in work full time. There are a lot of unknowns.

Just have him get legal advice and go from there. This is on him, not you.

Mum was right.

You're going to be yet another girlfriend who calls herself his partner and is briefly in her children's lives then disappears leaving the children confused and possibly upset. Those poor children.

It's a shameful way to behave for both you and him. His reason for not going to court is absolute bullshit too.

Did you miss the bit where he doesn't want to go anywhere near a court due to his criminal record?

Given his history it would be extremely unlikely a court would award 50-50 contact.

I feel like I have to stand up for the mum here as she's been the one whose been the constant in their life whilst their dad has been flakey at best. So I'd say she absolutely does have to keep an eye on what her ex does and who he introduces the kids to.

Surely any mother would do this when you're dealing with an ex like this?

If she posted on here I bet she'd get tonnes of support!

Why did you call her to apologise for being in his life ? This is odd OP and has made the ex think she can railroad over you. It’s for your ex to sort this, not you.

Ex is happy for him to mind the kids so she can go yoga and book club so she is more put out that he is not available, rather than him being a safeguarding issue

Or maybe she's slowly letting him build back up a relationship with the kids and in turn she's trying to rebuild her own life, with her own interests. So every time he let's the kids down by not being available to look after them it's a backwards step.

It doesn't matter if its yoga, book club, knitting or dancing naked in the high street. He's supposed to be coparenting and proving he's not flakey, not palming off responsibility on the new GF.

Take a step back and really think about what this family has been through, then judge the mum.

@HeartyZebra completely this. You are worth more respect than your ‘partner’ is giving you and if he can’t, maybe he is not ready for a relationship. I thought from the thread title you were talking about the ex’s house, not your actual home!

Also to add, completely agree that @HeartyZebra deserves more than this mess.

Don't put yourself second OP. Find a partner who doesn't have so much traumatic baggage and can respect you as a partner, not use you for childcare and kick you out when you're an inconvenience.

Hope you find happiness in 2025

Sorry you’re caught in this. What’s within your control is setting a standard for yourself about how you’ll be treated in a relationship. That’s up to you but it seems pretty bare minimum that you’re allowed in your own home for Christmas.

It’s his responsibility to make the co-parenting work. If that needs to be via the courts, you can offer to be a character witness as you know how he has been living the last year. But if he can’t or won’t make it work, you have to hold your head high and let him go.

Didn't think this one would be back.

He doesn't sound like a good catch. Too much drama which will not die down.
This is their dynamic and it will never change.
LTB from me...

What was he in prison for?

Why is that relevant to you?

Why wouldn't it be to you?

There may be a backstory of violence or domestic abuse. Sexual abuse. It's not difficult to see how that would influence the replies.

Why are you with this boyfriend? He should be enhancing your life, making it fun and bringing you peace. That's the entire point.
What crime did he choose to commit to end up imprisoned?
Secure a house for yourself and enjoy life.

It's entirely relevant and not wise to minimise its impact on why the mother is behaving how she is. Also the long term impact on the OP.

Ex convict and baby mama drama. Picked a winner mate

I didn't offer to watch them? I simply didn't want to be thrown out of my own home on Christmas? And called to ask her what I can do to make amends for existing. Also, I am a professor at a local university and chair several community events for children. I have a fairly public profile in the community and she is welcome to read up on me, meet me in person, and she was coming to Christmas so the children would not be alone with him or horrible horrible me.
So my DP threw me out of our home, and spent Christmas with his Ex and the kids because she demanded it. I DO understand that as a childless woman, I am worthless and she as the Mum MUST come first and even demand he drop me. I get all that. And that I am very lucky a man would even look at a woman my age who can't give him more children. Maybe I should just stay out of society.

Because I'm an old, childless woman. Who else would settle for me? I have no living family and it is hard to be isolated, that is why

Drunk driving

She didn’t kick you out your home on Christmas Day. He did.

TBH if that was her hard and fast rule - and again I get it with what she has been through with him - he should have agreed to meet them in a public place or somewhere neutral.

Im surprised an academic like yourself is stopping so low as to date a criminal who doesn’t treat you very well.

Also quit the pity party. It’s pathetic, I expect better from someone intelligent. No one is saying you’re worth less than a mother. But to her, and him, his kids are worth more.

This is a very strange OP. Quite an aggressive pity party but says she’s an academic.