Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

[HeartyZebra]

I (47F) am in a relationship for a year with my partner (50M). I never had any children in my one previous relationship and lost a pregnancy. He has two kids, 10 and 14. He went through a bad patch with drink and drugs and she threw him out 9 years ago. I’m his first relationship since then. There’s no custody agreement and he fears going to court because he’s been incarcerated.
Prior to our relationship, he was at his ex’s house most nights with the kids. She has dressed me down, saying I made her life difficult because he only minds the kids 3 nights a week now. She has refused to allow him to see the kids at all if I am at his house. But I live with him now. He had to throw me out of the house on Christmas in order to see his kids. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her but she just yelled at me that now she can’t do yoga and book group.
I’m more than willing to watch the kids. I know Mom comes first and I should be humble and kind. How can I get through to her?

One - it is never ok for him to force you to leave if that is also your home now. I'd be setting that boundary straight away.

Two - he can go to court for free, if he's been having custody up to this point and her only complaint is you living there she won't have a leg to stand on. Regardless of his past, he can show he's straight and narrow now, has been trusted so far and this is to control the situation.

If he refuses to do this, he doesn't love or respect you enough to stay in this relationship. You deserve to be with someone who does what it takes and absolutely his kids are his priority but his ex is not.

I guess academics can be every bit as pea-brained as the general population. 🤷‍♀️

I’m a childless woman at 46, I didn’t realise I was worthless - thanks for the education! Joking aside, either you are being sarcastic, have had a drink or you need serious help with your self-esteem and misogynistic views. Either way, this is not about his ex, this is about him. If he wants a relationship with his children then he needs to navigate that situation with his ex - asking you to leave the house is totally unacceptable, you should have having this conversation with him rather than coming online and moaning about her.

For all we know she is doing an amazing job under very difficult circumstances, because he sounds as if he has been an unreliable parent for a considerable time, after all she would only have kicked him out after reaching the end of her tether with his behaviour… after which he just continued on with even worse behaviour getting himself jailed in the process, rather than pulling up his socks and doing better. Everything you have said about him screams of red flags.

I think you need to start some therapy to see that you don’t have to settle for this and that just because you’re childless you’re not worthless?? You have no self respect or self worth!!

Whoah! What am I reading here??!
You're an intelligent woman. Do not put up with this.
Sort yourself a home of your own asap & never look back on this chapter. Nothing about this is OK.

I think she’s probably angry that he was a bad partner to her, was in prison on drugs - may have been abusive. Yet now he’s with you, he’s clean and probably treats you well etc. she’s taking her anger out on the wrong way but I’d be angry too. It also seems like now he’s in a relationship, he’s not doing as much for the children as he done before- being with someone should not impact you as a parent.

Tricky one. Normally I would say go to court .. but the ages of the kids will mean they will have their wishes considered - normally a good thing but she sounds unhinged and will probably manipulate them.

I would just say NO. Sounds like she needs his childcare services more !!

I'm proudly childfree and utterly disgusted at the OP saying women like me are worthless.

"He had to throw me out on christmas" lol

No he did not!

This

If you’re a professor then you should have more than 2 brain cells to rub together so that you can recognise that “Prince Charming” is infact a complete and utter waste of space.

Being book smart clearly doesn’t improve you’re ability to pick a good one

@HeartyZebra this relationship is probably as good as its going to get.

Don't blame the ex, be angry with him. He's created this shit show.

Are you scared to be angry with him because you're worried that the relationship won't stand you actually challenging him directly for fear of rejection? If that's the case you're not going to be happy in this situation in the long run.

Doesn't matter how educated, senior or academic you are, you're allowing yourself to make poor choices based on very low self worth. That's a recipe for disaster.

Get yourself into therapy and see the situation for what it really is. A messed up, co-dependent family that see you as a spare part who can be kicked out at whim. He has created this because he is chosing to let it happen

Plenty of men don't want more kids op. (Most at his age wouldn't.) Being with you is less complicated not more.

Oh quite often more so. My aunt worked for one who could barely function at all in the real world.

Red flags are blaring all over this post.

Yes, I've known many, my dad included. Academic genius, could speak Latin but completely clueless in living and negotiating life

So he's an ex addict of drink and drugs who has done time. His ex is a psycho. Seriously, do yourself a favour and get out of this now.

You say you didn't want to get thrown out of your home, but I'm assuming it's his place if he threw you out? If it was a place you bought equally then he'd have no rights to chuck you out.

Why should you be allowed in the house. It's nothing to do with you.

old childless women wtf !!

Combination of things, really.

Reddit (age and sex in brackets)
Mom
Incarcerated
Dressed me down
Z in apologise
Professor
Watching rather than babysitting the children
Fairly public profile in the community
A very strong belief that she's worthless if not fertile (not anywhere near as common, never mind so bluntly stated as though it's true, outside some very traditional places)

Will obviously withdraw if the OP clarifies that she's actually a Brummie who happens to use Americanised (or should that be Americanized?) spellings for words that have no relation to the preferred spelling and pronunciation for mother in both a small part of the UK and a large part of the US - and there's a university somewhere here in a town small enough that their lecturers also happen to be needed to become well known pillars of the community whom almost everybody knows and can be checked up on beyond a name on the Staff page of a website.

She lives there.

I DO understand that as a childless woman, I am worthless and she as the Mum MUST come first and even demand he drop me. I get all that. And that I am very lucky a man would even look at a woman my age who can't give him more children.

This is real, is it? And you let your partner ‘throw you out’ of your mutual home?

he fears going to court because he’s been incarcerated

What does this even mean?

I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life

Right.

If you are an able-bodied person, no-one can "throw you out" of your own home in the situation you describe.

If he literally got hold of you, picked you up and threw you out then more fool you for going back to him.

If he asked you to leave so his kids could come round, then again more fool you for complying.

You’re a clever woman yet you chose this imbecile to live with. I bet you’re financing him too. He supports his ex that you can’t be in the house… his decision too… leave

Tbh, OP you need a hefty kick up the arse for writing that down, let alone thinking it. There are plenty of decent men out there you could meet, you really are scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one.
Not every man in his late 40's /50's wants more kids, some are probably glad not to have to go through it again.
You seem to have esteem so low it's in the gutter, can't help wondering why that might be. Did you see this guy as someone you could fix and save from himself?