Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

[HeartyZebra]

I (47F) am in a relationship for a year with my partner (50M). I never had any children in my one previous relationship and lost a pregnancy. He has two kids, 10 and 14. He went through a bad patch with drink and drugs and she threw him out 9 years ago. I’m his first relationship since then. There’s no custody agreement and he fears going to court because he’s been incarcerated.
Prior to our relationship, he was at his ex’s house most nights with the kids. She has dressed me down, saying I made her life difficult because he only minds the kids 3 nights a week now. She has refused to allow him to see the kids at all if I am at his house. But I live with him now. He had to throw me out of the house on Christmas in order to see his kids. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her but she just yelled at me that now she can’t do yoga and book group.
I’m more than willing to watch the kids. I know Mom comes first and I should be humble and kind. How can I get through to her?

First post nails it. It’s none of her business. He is enabling her.

But mostly it all sounds like exhausting drama that is unlikely to go away. Is he really worth all the hassle?

What was he incarcerated for, and for how long?

Hi, OP -

What is your DP’s relationship with alcohol and drugs now? If he has addictive tendencies, he needs to stay clean to be in his childrens’ lives; I assume you agree with that?

As long as he is clean, I don’t see why he fears going to court, be it in the US (where I lived for about 15 years) or the UK. He’s done his sentence; he has a clean slate now.

However: what do you know about his drink driving history? It is rare in either country for a first or even a second DUI to result in a prison sentence. There is a possibility of multiple DUIs in the background.

I would find that very offputting, even though for the most part I think I could accept dealing with baggage that comes with a former addict.

It goes without saying that if he isn’t clean you can’t get away fast enough.

If the problems are really in the past, you are still being treated very badly in the present. DP and his ex are far too entangled and you are not his priority. As above, I think he should go to court to get a custody arrangement but if he won’t do that he needs to find another way to make it clear you are his partner, not to be turfed out of your own home to placate the ex. Otherwise I personally would leave

Why have you taken this on? He has issues in his ex has issues (probably from years of living with an addict), he has difficulties in seeing his children now. All this stress may well cause him to relapse and you will be blamed for that, too.
Think of yourself here and find your own place where you can set the rules. Then you can decide whether he's worth all that hassle.

If you think he's all you deserve and can attract please get some counselling to help with self-esteem.

OP the amount of self hate this relationship seems to inspire is not good for you. You are not worthless for not having children that's a ridiculous misogynistic world view and as a fellow academic, with many child free female peers, it is incredibly insulting.

You can do a billion times better. However, if you want this relationship to work, stop the self hate and begging this woman, you don't have to communicate with her in the slightest. Get your partner to arrange some proper visitation through the court that isn't completely on her terms. If he's straightened himself out and has a good relationship with the children, the courts should treat him fairly. Never let yourself be thrown out of your own home again, and if he refuses to do it, find someone better.

You can do better and don't buy into the "I can't do better" bullshit. It's simply not true. Xx Take care OP.

I thought the same, he is hardly a prize catch.

Oh, please……I am older than you (49) and don’t have any children, I certainly don’t see myself as old / desperate and I know I don’t just have to settle for someone or that I would have any difficulty getting a partner if I wanted, you have a terribly low opinion of yourself and your self worth, this is why you have got yourself into this mess

If you were the other women and he left her high and dry on the floor to be be with you I’d not necessarily agree but I’d understand her actions and bitterness and pettiness. However that isn’t the case. They were long over before he met you. It’s about time he grew a spine with her isn’t it. He doesn’t seem to have no trouble telling you like it is. Also is she in a Relationship is it okay for her to have other men there around his kids or is it a different story when the boots on the other foot.
Another thing why are are you apologizing to her. Please stop crawling up her stinking arse FFS!
This “Relationship really isn’t the worth the 💩.

By the sounds of things you have a lot going for you. You need to have more faith in yourself and not stick in a relationship where you're not valued.

I do think you know this.

The way you describe yourself is heartbreaking.

Your bar is set way too low. You are not being respected in this relationship. You can do so much better.

You're having yourself quite a pity party there. Your DP needs to get a solicitor and go to court. If he's only allowed supervised visitation it will only be until he proves himself. This isn't her choice. It he threw me out over Christmas I wouldn't have gone back.

Is this real?

As others have said, advice on the legality of the situation depends on where you live, in the U.K. as long as he's sober, not a danger to his kids etc (in which case they would be restricting access anyway) and an active father then he's likely to be awarded 50/50 custody. She can't dictate whether you are there or not. I have no idea on the law in other countries.

I DO understand that as a childless woman, I am worthless and she as the Mum MUST come first and even demand he drop me. I get all that. And that I am very lucky a man would even look at a woman my age who can't give him more children. Maybe I should just stay out of society.

OH THE HYPERBOLE

What you need to do is make better choices. By all means date the bloke. But don't move in with a man like this. Recovering addict, young children, volatile relationship with the ex? Madness to give up your independence.

Unfortunately the court will not care about fathers previous behaviours and even fathers with history of abuse and DV are rarely refused access/ joint custody.

Chatgp writes like that.. but a professor wouldn't use Chatgp.
Those programmes also inherit societies bias. It is like a bingo card of assumptions and stereotypes. Ex con drug addiction, old childless woman = worthless, the crazy psycho baby mum. Even have the juicy unconventional couple novel romance lol.
Just wait for an update of the love triangle where the baby mum still pines after the ex-con after 9 years. 😂

1. Eh?!? You what now. My sister is 47 and childless, she's batting off the men, no one wants to take on other people's kids so you're an absolute catch.

1. He chucked you out of your home, not her. All on him.

1. 10&14 year olds don't need looking after. 13 is a standard age to start babysitting especially when the other child is already 10. So the ex can go to book club or yoga whenever she wants anyway. So that bit, along with all the rest let's face it, is nonsense.

They're HIS kids, you're not supposed to be taking care of HIS kids, let him get a nannie! Oh I forgot they cost money, so basically you're being used as free labour. As for being kicked out of YOUR house on x-mas day... I have no words. This man is not ready for a partner, he has too much drama/baggage in his life. Get a place for yourself and date him because the living arrangement doesn't work. Let but not least: don't date someone whose been to jail.

I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her

The only thing that would possess you to do such a thing is non-existent self-esteem. What has happened in your previous relationships- romantic and familial- to bring you here?
Why are you apologising for existing?
Why have you chosen this man to waste your precious life on?
Why aren't you seeking advice to leave a man who puts you out, and om Christmas Day?
What do you think will happen now they know you'll accepted this shit?
What steps are you going to take to end this relationship?

Heartyzebra, I have read all your posts.

One thing that stands out glaringly from what you have said is your low self esteem. That is surprising, shocking even, for anyone but especially so for an educated women, a professor no less.

You are far from old. Women in their late forties are coming up to their best. Their best will last a few years too, make no mistake about it. They are confident, articulate, exude sex appeal and are generally good people with whom to keep.

The fact that you won't be having children is a plus. I doubt many men in the same age group who have had kids or a child would want any more, they'd be pleased to have a confident, successful partner and be proud of her. She would be a trophy!

However if you go around feeling inferior to the point of being banned from your home iover Christmas, you are not going to command the respect you deserve. That was outrageous.

I have to ask and please forgive me if you've said but I didn't notice, is your home his house that you moved into?

I did take note that you've only been with him for a year and are already living with him, everything obviously moved very quickly. I'm surprised at that because you're not 20 years old, most mature people would take a bit longer to make such a commitment, especially if they have had previous relationships that ended badly, even more so if one had dependent children.

Take a good, long at yourself, draw yourself up to your full height and tell yourself you're a woman of substance, because you are. Not being able to have children does not make you inferior in any way. There are plenty of single, career woman with no kids who are much admired and a chlldless person can do things, take advantage of opportunities, that a mother cannot.

Please make the most of the good things you have, ie 1. yourself 2. your career 3. your salary 4. your freedom, plus the other things in which you are involved.

You don't need a man to define you and this one definitely does nothing for your morale. You could have a really good man friend who valued you with whom you shared many good times. This one is no catch and his ex-wife is being quite ridiculous, horrible, but he allows her to get away with it. He wouldn't be prevented from seeing his children for a drunk driving offence for which he paid the price a few years back, as long as he is generally sober and careful now.

Try to see this (still fairly new), relationship as if you were looking at someone else's. Do you have friends and family who would give honest opinions, or is there someone who could be objective? You have to get real, Hearty.

Don't leave it too long. Tomorrow go out and buy some new clothes, maybe have a new hair style. Walk tall. Smile. The world is your oyster, you just have to realise it.

Good luck! New year, new start.

It is not up to mum who dad has in his home when he has his children. Unless you pose a danger to them or dad has a history of introducing inappropriate people to children then she has no say.
He should not be spending less time with his children because he has a girlfriend now and she should still be able to go to her yoga and book club lol.
you have nothing to apologise to her for. It is none of her business. He is being ridiculous giving in to her demands and the courts would not refuse him access, nor does it sound like the mum would want to reduce the level of contact. He needs to tell her that is how it will be.
You need to ask yourself if you really believe that crap about being undesirables as a 47 year old childless woman because I can guarantee you it is bs. If you really believe that it is why you’ve settled then please get therapy and reconsider.
Do not allow yourself to be thrown out at Xmas. Of course he needs to spend time with his children on his own but you live there too and it can be really beneficial to the children to see their parents in healthy relationships.

Op says: ' I am a professor at a local university and chair several community events for children. I have a fairly public profile in the community ...I DO understand that as a childless woman, I am worthless and she as the Mum MUST come first and even demand he drop me. I get all that. And that I am very lucky a man would even look at a woman my age who can't give him more children. Maybe I should just stay out of society.'

In answer to why does she put up with this, she says:

'Because I'm an old, childless woman. Who else would settle for me?'

I was willing to go along with the idea that perhaps, all possibilities being possible, there is a 47 year old university professor out there who has shacked up with an ex addict with a drunk driving conviction and a difficult home life. The heart wants what it wants, as Emily Dickinson said.

But the above quotes are so obviously NOT written by a 47 year old university professor it's almost painful.

I'm going to say this must be written by a fairly young man, who perhaps has never spoken to a woman in person? But certainly has zero insight into how 47 year old university professors think about themselves.

Signed:

A 47 year old, childless, university lecturer.

“I am very lucky a man would even look at a woman my age who can't give him more children.”

Please have a little self-worth, OP.

“I'm an old, childless woman. Who else would settle for me?”

Plenty of men. But if you don’t value yourself, why on earth should anyone else? Your lack of children is an advantage to most men looking for a partner second time around. You are clearly bright - what do your friends make of your relationship? If you were my friend, I’d be telling you that you could do a lot better, and that you really don’t need someone in your life who tips you out of your own home at Christmas.

OP, are you with this person because he makes you happy and brings joy to your life or because you feel any man is better than no man? It is hard to work out whether you are being sarcastic with your responses or actually believe what you are saying.

You appear to devalue your own worth by doing things like agreeing to leave the house at Christmas, or when you apologise and cow-tow down to your partners ex: even though you know you've done nothing wrong. My advice is to stop bending over backwards to please everyone - the ex is never going to give you a break and she will keep dictating your life if you let her.

Your partner is a weak man who has form for finding the easiest way to check out from life and all it's complications, so he is a dead duck from the start.

Equally, getting behind the wheel of a car when drunk is unforgivable .

I would find the exit door on this fiasco of a relationship and use it.