Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

[HeartyZebra]

I (47F) am in a relationship for a year with my partner (50M). I never had any children in my one previous relationship and lost a pregnancy. He has two kids, 10 and 14. He went through a bad patch with drink and drugs and she threw him out 9 years ago. I’m his first relationship since then. There’s no custody agreement and he fears going to court because he’s been incarcerated.
Prior to our relationship, he was at his ex’s house most nights with the kids. She has dressed me down, saying I made her life difficult because he only minds the kids 3 nights a week now. She has refused to allow him to see the kids at all if I am at his house. But I live with him now. He had to throw me out of the house on Christmas in order to see his kids. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her but she just yelled at me that now she can’t do yoga and book group.
I’m more than willing to watch the kids. I know Mom comes first and I should be humble and kind. How can I get through to her?

Why are the two of you women working it out between you and arguing with each other?

This is all on him. Let him sort it out.

Sounds like you have bigger issues than your partner. Nothing will go right for you unless you sort yourself out first, this whole story sounds very shady.....

Maybe you should try a US chat group.

If there is a genuine post you should spend less time working with this shit show of a relationship and spend more time working with a licensed therapist and building drama free support networks.

Can't you move to a more "normal" (eg non Trumpian) state? I think you wouldn't feel so miserable in a bigger city like say Boston/Chicago/New York/LA?

It's not that easy to move and uproot your life, like those suggesting it like it's nothing. Acedemic jobs can be hard to come by, op has a role in her community and probably some security in her work relationships.

It sounds like packing up and moving to a more suitable place is going to be less disruptive, and more rewarding, than staying put with this idiot.

OP I am absolutely furious with the way you are talking about yourself and allowing yourself to be treated. I know there is some sarcasm but your self esteem is as low as the bar you’re setting for your partner. You are a professor in a university, they don’t just hand those jobs out like pizza menus! You have worked your butt off to get where you are! You must be an intelligent, strong person and you allowed yourself to be kicked out of your home? Absolutely not. You’re lonely? Cool get a hobby, there’s apparently some places free in the book club or whatever now 😂. Being in a relationship where you are like a second class citizen is no fix for being lonely. It corrodes your confidence and destroys your self worth. It ends up being so much more lonely than just being alone. I’m not going to comment on his past cuz hey maybes he’s done the work and you see something in him that we don’t but I can tell you that he has no respect for you. That isn’t love. I get it gets difficult when your partner has kids but that is no excuse to treat you like this. At the very least he should have gone to hers and not have kicked you out. How can you ever feel secure in a situation like that? Honestly I’d be living out of a suitcase after that as it would never feel like my home. He needs to get some form of solicitor involved to sort out his nightmare ex but honestly I don’t think that should be your problem. Do not go crawling to the ex, stand up, shoulders back, and grow a spine. You deserve respect. Not just because you are a freaking academic but because you are human.

ps check fb groups for hobbies you like the look of. You’ll probs find something close by. Heck I’m 31 y/o woman and play magic the gathering. I socialise with a hell of a lot more people than I ever did before I took up the hobby and have met a lot of close friends doing it. (Yes in my age range it’s not just me and a bunch of teenagers I’m not a weirdo I promise). You are way to good for your self esteem to be this low and having a partner does not define you as worth something. ❤️

OMG. Just listen to/read yourself, OP.
You’re an intelligent woman, so get a grip, leave your loser of a partner and sort your life out. You don’t need a man to be happy. In fact if you’re not happy in yourself it will be very difficult to find happiness with a partner.

Lonely, happy to settle, who else would have me?
Wtaf.

He doesn't exactly sound like a catch OP.

LTB and move area op. That's your answer.