Partner’s Ex Won’t Allow Me in His Home

[HeartyZebra]

I (47F) am in a relationship for a year with my partner (50M). I never had any children in my one previous relationship and lost a pregnancy. He has two kids, 10 and 14. He went through a bad patch with drink and drugs and she threw him out 9 years ago. I’m his first relationship since then. There’s no custody agreement and he fears going to court because he’s been incarcerated.
Prior to our relationship, he was at his ex’s house most nights with the kids. She has dressed me down, saying I made her life difficult because he only minds the kids 3 nights a week now. She has refused to allow him to see the kids at all if I am at his house. But I live with him now. He had to throw me out of the house on Christmas in order to see his kids. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve called her to apologize for being in DP’s life and ask her how I can make things work better for her but she just yelled at me that now she can’t do yoga and book group.
I’m more than willing to watch the kids. I know Mom comes first and I should be humble and kind. How can I get through to her?

He should speak to a good solicitor who will be clear about his chances of obtaining an access agreement / partial custody.

I really hope that is a tongue in cheek comment and you’re joking?!
I know women of your age who have for whatever reason not had children, they are brilliant, funny and clever and I’m lucky to count on them as friends.
I would suggest talking to someone if you genuinely feel that low about your circumstances and stop allowing yourself to be treated as a 2nd class citizen to the extent of having to leave your home.
Time to invest in your own place if finances allow, even if it’s a small studio to be your little slice of heaven to go to if you want to stay in, unless of course your current home is yours, in which case your partner should have rented an air b and b to accommodate his children and ex wife if he wants to keep in her good books. This situation will only continue because your partner is allowing his ex to call the shots and you are also not standing up for yourself with him.
Sending you a massive hug because it really sounds like you need one

You have DP problem more than an exP problem. He needs to grow a pair.

This !
Also she won’t stop contact . She may try to use it for control but she won’t stop it . Maybe for a few days until she realise/s it benefits her life to have a co parenting relationship.

You need to stop apologising and tell dp he stands up to her or you leave for good.
They both need to talk about access and stop the Nonsense .

Wow! @HeartyZebra Stop with the pity party !
If you feel shit in this relationship leave. .
After reading this I’d leave them both too it .
You deserve better.

Is it you feeling sorry for yourself not having kids that you say you’re not as worthy as a mum. ?

In any relationship it’s about respect , communication and compromise you shouldn’t think otherwise .

Id end this relationship!
Oh and people asking why he was in jail . Does it matter . The ex left him with kids ALL the time so he can’t be that bad .
Everyone has a past she either wants him in the no dos life or she doesn’t.

She isn’t your problem the way he treats you is. .

I am in US and sadly it was his third offense (others were for disorderly conduct and another DUI) hence the sentence. We have a law called Three Strikes here. Yes I do realize this all sounds terrible, but I was on dating apps for months and trust me. He’s better than what else I could get in this community where everyone is a far right type

I was somewhat sarcastic, but I live in a very conservative part of the United States, where women still are valued for traditional roles. That has made me a bit of an outsider and rather lonely, and willing to settle.

If he's the best you can get, then my advice to you is to learn to love being single.
I cannot for the life of me imagine how being in a relationship like this is more pleasant than being single.

OP please walk away from this baggage and work on your self esteem. You deserve so much better.

And further to my previous comment, the callow youth who wrote this post pretending to be a 47 year old female academic not only has no idea how extremely young 47 year olds think they themselves are, especially in academia where at 47 you are still a spring chicken. But OP also has no idea how terrified most 50-ish year old men are of having even more children. Being able to reproduce is really not the selling point you think it is at my age, sorry OUR age.

Ha! Honey, if only you know what life was like in the US, there’s all these red pill idiots who want to start second families at 50. Maybe before making assumptions you shouldn’t understand that life is different in other cultures. And it’s extremely toxic for middle-aged women in the US.

I was single for a very long time and he’s really the first person who came along. Loneliness, I suppose.

Fuck me. MOVE. Surely all of the US isn't sp backwards.

Move.

Probably sounds extreme, but yours isn't any way to live. That a man as dreadful as this one is some kind of prize.

@HeartyZebra maybe keeping your own place would be best then - that way you’re not vulnerable to being kicked out.

The more I read the more this woman cannot be serious an educated successful woman has settled for a loser who’s ex controls his life and she’s even called Brandine or whatever the F her name is to apologise for existing 🤣🤣

Please run and do better

Come to the UK! I can guarantee you aren't left on the shelf! My word! What arse backwards world you got yourself surrounded in? No one deserves to be treated the way you've written about. No one. For being childless (it's childfree btw) and over 40? Had yourself on woman! If those are your only "crimes" I'd say you're doing canny well 😉
But on a serious note, you have a DH problem and while he's jumping to his exes tune it's going to stay that way. You are making it out like you are past your prime...and for what? A man who seen fit to chuck you out of your home so he didn't rock the boat.

OP,

I am also an academic. Aside from anything else, this guy does not sound very bright. I would unquestionably rather live by myself than with someone who didn’t appreciate my mind, which is intrinsic to the core of my being.

From everything you’ve described I wonder to what extent you are truly seen, never mind appreciated and cherished, in this relationship? Single is not the same as lonely. You can build a life full of friendship love and you can arrange for sex, even if like many you don’t have a loving partner in your life. But the more you write, the less it sounds like you have that anyway.

Oh, BS. I'm an American. You live in MAGA country and can't find a decent man? Then move, or find new friends. Even deep red states like Florida where I live have plenty of democrats.

This "wonderful" man is letting his ex call all the shots to the extent that you aren't welcome in your own home at Christmas. Yep, sounds like a prince among men to me. The ex isn't the problem, your dp is. He won't stand up to his ex and tell her that they are his children too and he will have them around whomever he pleases when they are in his custody. The fact that he hasn't done that means that her wishes/needs/desires are still more important to him than yours are. Proceed accordingly.

I just did a quick google search. Nearly half of American adults are not in a relationship and over 1/3 of those have never been in a committed relationship, so about 1/6 of all American adults have never had a committed relationship.

As an academic, you are in a good position for a long distance relationship. I know; DH and I managed it for two years. The academic calendar, particularly the American one, offers a lot if freedom for travel. If it became long term, you could move in together when one of you retires.

Why are you limiting yourself?

To those on the thread: the OP may well be at professorial level with tenure. That’s great, but unless she is exceptional it means it isn’t necessarily as easy for her to move as you might imagine. Depending on her discipline, moving to a different sector such as private industry at her age might also be much more effortful than you might think.

I agree she has more agency than she seems aware of. But to blithely suggest that she move may be to misunderstand her life.

And somehow you've gotten yourself in what sounds like a toxic situation with an ex con who is using you as a free nanny for his kids then kicking you out of the house when convenient. Single life is not that bad you know? Also: if loneliness is so scary can't you just have your own home and date this man instead of "blending the unblendable" thus removing yourself from the drama?

Well I think it shows him in a good light that he does not bring his children into the house when his new partner is there. It's a bit wet to make it sound as if it's all the ex's idea, but at least it gives the DC the opportunity to get to know the OP before sharing his house with her.

OP has only been with him a year and already she describes the house as 'our home'. She doesn't say how long she has been living there.

Op, you only have his word for it that she's the first partner he's had since splitting with his ex. It would probably be reasonably to accept that, but he doesn't sound the most reliable of men.

I agree with PP, that you would be better to have your own home, see him when the DC are not around, and let them get used to the idea of Daddy having a new partner before they have to share a home with you.

@HeartyZebra it goes against all good manners to tell someone replying that I don't believe they are who they say they are. But I don't believe a 47 year old woman would talk about themselves in the way you did, least of all one who has managed to become a university professor. I don't believe any woman would talk like that, even if she had internalised the philosophy, but I least of all believe that an educated woman with years of a good career behind her would talk like it.

I have lived in Texas and Phoenix as well as California, so I'm not exactly a stranger to those you call 'red pill idiots', and honestly, I think you are most likely one of them, pretending not to be. Apologies if you are indeed real, but you sound just like a small boy talking about a middle aged woman

She has dressed me down, saying I made her life difficult because he only minds the kids 3 nights a week now.

In today’s episode of: “A Woman is Always to Blame”