To go part time when finances aren’t great?

[iwanttoworktwodays]

There’s a long and complex back story here and so if I miss some information out it isn’t intentional.

I currently work three days a week, I want to reduce this to two, but still spread over three days - starting later and finishing earlier. This is mostly to allow me to do school drop offs and pick ups when my child starts school in September. It all falls on me, and although there is wraparound available it only starts at 8, my work starts at 820 and it’s a bit too tight. (There aren’t any childminders attached to the school.) So one way or another I have to be PT.

The problem is financially things aren’t great, it’s definitely the biggest source of tension in the house at the moment.

I have to admit I’m a bit torn with what to do. I’m not in a great place at the moment as I’m pressured at both work and home, but also don’t want to make any rash decisions if my marriage is shaky it seems foolish to reduce a source of income.

It sounds like the working hours aren't the OP's actual problem or solution, but her home life and mindset, where she can't take the actions that would need to be taken to solve the problem:

• pool finances, making sure there's no false division where the childcare costs always end up being paid by the woman while the man pays the 'serious' bills and therefore feels he's the big boss and the woman's domain is housework and keeping childcare costs down.
• choose a different school or childcare arrangement that allows you to get to work on time
• be clear about why you want to work less - is it to get your kids to school on time or is it to "start the dinner early and do some housework"

Honestly OP, you have a DH problem. Changing your working hours won't make your home life happier. Don't expect him to thank you for starting dinner earlier or running the hoover round a couple of extra times.

And once you're in a happier place at home, you might feel you have the headspace to engage with work a bit more. Even if the monetary reward isn't immediate, the extra pension and self-esteem/satisfaction might come in handy later in life. You can get promoted if you want to. And you can find a childcare arrangement that allows you to come out from under your DH's yoke.

I won't propose any of the other good suggestions PP have made, given how they've been received and where you are with your DH.

In your situation I wouldn't reduce my hours. See if you can do the same hours across 4 days instead.

What exactly is it you are after as all of your posts just seem to be pushing back at any and every advice.

Do you just want to vent? It seems like both maintaining your current hours and reducing them will increase stress of a certain form (either less money or less able to do the childcare) and you cannot speak to your husband you say (even though it is meant to be a partnership) so what is it you want?

@iwanttoworktwodays
I was in a worse predicament than you but my only advantage was my children were older. Everything you have written I could have written myself. Only you know what is possible for you and you DC. I needed money but my DH was exactly like your DH. I took matter in my own hands and got a part time job. I quickly realised I needed to work full-time so I can be self sufficient and I have been doing that. It breaks my heart to drop youngest DC to breakfast club but at the same time I know I can provide for them independently if DH decides to mess around and he knows this because without asking he has started giving me money to spent on DC expenses. I learnt to drive and he decided to buy me a car without be asking.I enjoy saying yes to DC wants because I don't have to negotiate or explain my spending. I know it might be a difficult for you for 2 years but boy are you going to come out of it stronger than you are. Your DC will grow in no time. I wish you all that I would want for myself and more.x

She knows it’s a DH problem. That’s not news to her.

She’s just not prepared to deal with it yet.

All the steps you outline won’t work: pool finances (he won’t: financial abuse); choose a different school or childcare arrangement (she won’t, she’s prioritising the DC in this sense, there are arguments contra to this but not useful to go into tbh); be clear about why she’s working less - she’s been crystal clear, she’s prioritising mental health over finances.

OP doesn’t want to keep hearing her husband is an arsehole - that’s not going to change. Alas, he’s probably going to continue to actually be an arsehole so eventually something (hopefully!) will change. But not soon.

@Fluffyowl00 - thank you. 0.5 is definitely an option. This is why it’s so helpful posting here because I get to weigh up all the possibilities and options. I do need to tell the member of SLT in charge of timetabling what I want when I go back, ideally, so they can make decisions about staffing and so on. So that’s why it’s on my mind so much. I know I am going on!

Total outgoings are around £4000, and I literally earn £2000, or just below.

@Annalouisa i guess the dilemma is simply that at the moment I’m not really coping. I’m burning the candles both ends and I’m exhausted. If everything was great in my marriage I’d say drop a day for the next two years, give myself enough time in the mornings to drop DS off, a small amount of time in the afternoon two days a week and just give myself some breathing space.

@Starseeking i am lost with that response, I have been really polite throughout the thread and I have agreed with posters on a lot of things. I’m genuinely not sure what you mean with ‘how they have been received.’

@JHound and @NoSquirrels - what do you want?

Do you want me to say ‘great, I’m leaving.’ If I decided to call time on the marriage, I’d need to see a solicitor first which I would need money for. I’d also need a plan in place. Now is not the right time even if I was absolutely positive I wanted to end things which I’m not.

Ending a marriage and breaking up a family is a huge thing. It may be that’s inevitable but I do think it’s worth seeing if things improve when various financial pressures have been alleviated. If not then at least I can honestly say I tried. I did tell him that I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life like this, and I meant it.

If what you mean is that I’m not taking the other advice - I think I have; I’ve listened and engaged and agreed sometimes. But I can’t agree with all of it. Getting a full time job with a TLR would kill me at this stage of my career, even assuming I could get one. I’m not really sure what other helpful advice I’ve ignored but I hate it when MN do this and get huffy and cross because of a small thing that you repeatedly explain just isn’t for you at this time but keeps being pushed.

In brief, I can’t just leave DH; I have nowhere to go. And I have found the thread extremely helpful, and surely that is what is important.

what do you want?
Do you want me to say ‘great, I’m leaving.’ If I decided to call time on the marriage, I’d need to see a solicitor first which I would need money for. I’d also need a plan in place. Now is not the right time even if I was absolutely positive I wanted to end things which I’m not.

I don’t want anything from you. My post was literally saying you don’t need any more advice on it being a DH problem. I was supporting you in your assertion that it isn’t going to change now.

Fair enough @NoSquirrels . As I’ve said, the thread has been extremely helpful to me, and I am genuinely grateful for your input and for that of others.

I think £1500 take home sounds a lot for 2 days. More £1350?

Your DH is a shit. I'm sorry you're being treated this way OP. You don't deserve it.

I’m currently 3 days and take home £1950. One of my friends took home £1500 for 2.5 days two years ago but we’ve had two pay rises since then and also she was at a lower pay scale. So I think my estimate would be £1400 - £1500.

I think @Cyclingmummy1 is correct, OP. This calculation is based on UPS3, not London or fringe, and assuming no student loan repayments. You can put your figures in here: https://mypaycalculator.co.uk/teacher.

Please don’t make this decision based on assumptions. Equip yourself with accurate information.

I did say around 1400,, so not far off. Thank you.

You didn't answer my question about how long you have been together or how quickly you got married/had kids. Which is fine - you don't have to.

However if it was a quick thing look into love bombing. Abusive men often put in huge effort prior to getting married or having kids. Then once you are trapped it all stops. From what you have said there doesn't seem to be a reason to assume he will change in future.

Whereas if you've been married and decade and it's only been in the last year or so there's been an issue there's more likelihood of change.

Sorry @sunshine244 i missed it. Not that long relatively speaking. But I honestly don’t think for a moment he’s abusive. He genuinely is convinced we’re in the brink of financial ruin.

@iwanttoworktwodays apologies, I wasn't trying to be mysterious!

Lots of PP have given you really good advice, however you have shot down most of their suggestions due to not wanting to confront your fundamental issue, which is that your DH sees his money as his money and your joint DC as your responsibility, both financially and resource wise.

Until you address this, and how he treats "the family", you are just shuffling deckchairs on the Titanic.

I am understanding right that is £1950 for three days work?

That is fantastic if so!

I’m not shooting it down @Starseeking , I promise; I’m well aware but I can’t do much about that at this moment in time, that’s all.

My husband has had a similar view and we have a very similar income to you (I’m UPS3 0.6 and he earns 80-100k depending on bonuses etc). I have been part time now for 8 years and we recently moved to a larger house with a bigger mortgage and money has been fairly tight (within the parameters of kids having what they want, bills being paid, no real budget for food) in that we don’t really have anything left over each month (both have pensions), and an unexpected bill can be fairly stressful. So I get it. He probably sees the finances as a house of cards that could topple any moment; my husband has a similar attitude towards money. However…

Our finances are joint. They money there is just as much mine as his. I do the majority of the housework but he certainly pulls his weight and we are very much a team. Big purchases are discussed but I can spend what I like unchecked (I don’t because that money could always be better spent on the house etc). I do not ask him for a penny, and he doesn’t moan at my spending ever.

I am upping my days imminently at work for two reasons: firstly I want to maximise my pension and earning potential (I’m 39 and my children are 8 and 11), and secondly I want more disposable income. I’m sick of just managing. We want more holidays and more work done on the house and to ensure we can send both children to university and help them buy property. We can’t do all that earning 100-120k between us - particularly as he’s a higher tax payer so we lose more of that than if we both earned 60k, but we can do that earning 150k plus between us.

So as much as I do think your husband needs an attitude transplant, I get where he’s coming from with the money worries. They might be unfounded, or like us, they might be rooted in the reality that actually, if I upped my income, we’d be exponentially better off.

Is your dh financially illiterate or does he have some anxiety/OCD issues related to money? Because if not the only other explanation is that he is controlling and weird about money and that is abusive. You may not want to see it or hear random women on the internet telling you but financial control is financial abuse....
You are stressed and worried yourself because of this (quite understandably). But if all income was shared, all bills paid by that shared income and then as a couple you had equal access to disposable income then I'm fairly sure your stress would reduce. If you divorced assets would be split and he'd have to contribute to the costs of having children. You'd be likely financially better off.
Without splitting how might any of this change? Another year and some funded childcare? How does that change his behaviour or how he sees things? He'll still be controlling, or he'll still have anxiety/OCD about money. Which ever it is doesn't shift. The 'risk of bankruptcy' rubbish will become something else. He needs help or you need help to leave.

@iwanttoworktwodays People may appear exasperated as most of us are broadly saying the same thing and you keep saying the equivalent of 'yes but I don't want to do that' or 'no that won't work because'

Plus, to be honest, it is rather disingenuous to keep posting the same dilemma under different usernames and expecting people to change their thinking. You aren't changing your thinking. And it really did not take a genius to realise you'd name changed from last time before you start on about how awful it is for people to point it out. It is not on to say people are huffy and cross when they have invested time and you're just ignoring it with the 'yes buts'

If you don't want to feel like that, stop posting it on mumsnet, see a counsellor, sort it out

That’s all fine @Iceache . I’m not exactly disagreeing that we may be on the verge of destitution. But if your children are eight and eleven you’re at a very different stage to us - I’m not saying that this negates any point you’ve made, but it does make things very different as if I was insisting I needed to be part time with children of those ages that’s a different kettle of fish to in seven years time.

And in seven years DH will be earning more and able to keep it because we won’t have childcare to pay. Even with the world’s most expensive swimming lessons I’ll still be ‘saving’ around £700-800 a month in childcare.

DH’s attitude to money I think can be summed up with the fact he used to have it, he could and did buy pretty much what he wanted and if he couldn’t he was fairly relaxed about borrowing it because his bonus would pay it back. Those options have narrowed considerably.

Bizarre as it may sound, as long as we don’t touch on money, all is good, but then casually mentioning something like with the New York example can bring that stack of cards coming down and maybe that will change and maybe it won’t. But I do feel I am well equipped to deal with the future, whether that’s with DH or not.

@Harrysmummy246 this may sound much ruder than intended but as a resource MN is free and can be helpful. If my mum was alive maybe I’d chew it over with her; however as it is I’m just thinking and processing. In a week I’ll be asking the member of SLT for what I want for September and if I get it ‘wrong’ I’m stuck with it for a year. So I will keep talking about it. If you feel his is wrong my best suggestion would be to report the thread to MNHQ and see what they want to do with it, or to hide it. Coming on and finger wagging that I shouldn’t post at all because I’ve posted before is just really irritating.

Pot Kettle black

I think you're fully intending to be rude and you know it.
Leaving now

Sounds like your husband is surprised that children cost money…,