To go part time when finances aren’t great?

[iwanttoworktwodays]

There’s a long and complex back story here and so if I miss some information out it isn’t intentional.

I currently work three days a week, I want to reduce this to two, but still spread over three days - starting later and finishing earlier. This is mostly to allow me to do school drop offs and pick ups when my child starts school in September. It all falls on me, and although there is wraparound available it only starts at 8, my work starts at 820 and it’s a bit too tight. (There aren’t any childminders attached to the school.) So one way or another I have to be PT.

The problem is financially things aren’t great, it’s definitely the biggest source of tension in the house at the moment.

I have to admit I’m a bit torn with what to do. I’m not in a great place at the moment as I’m pressured at both work and home, but also don’t want to make any rash decisions if my marriage is shaky it seems foolish to reduce a source of income.

You have to agree that DH is being an arse, I have nowhere to go currently and am in a very difficult position where keeping my hours the same or increasing them will put additional strain on me when I am barely coping as it is, but financially I need to earn as much as possible?

I mean, I can’t make it clearer, and passive aggressive side swipes at me just upset me and make me feel bad. Like I’ve said at least twice in the thread, hide it, don’t post on it, but using it to bitch about me in front of me if you like isn’t very pleasant.

@PermanentTemporary problem with employing people, random people, is they let you down. No childminders do the school. My mum is dead.

They might not though.... one reliable person would be all you'd need. They're not random once you know them.

Is there a TA at the school who could ever cover that 30 minutes if they did let you down? Presumably it does occasionally happen that a teacher is late?

I think (hopefully) this thread has shown you you have far bigger problems than choosing whether to go more part time.
What do you actually want long term?
You say you can't raise things or talk about finances....What forever? How are you going to plan your futures? This is madness.... Really?
You'll end up financially and emotionally fucked....
So.... Better to get a grip now.
Would a divorce jolt the idiot into some kind of space where he'd contemplate the ridiculousness of this current situation? Couples therapy?....
What would you say to a friend relaying this scenario? Honestly? It's completely ludicrous and no amount of "yeah but..."negates it. You can't talk or plan about the basic fundamentals of paying for food/childcare.. You can't talk about work life balance/roles/parenting. It's not a relationship it's a fiction. I'm so sorry op but you and your children deserve so so much better and I'm so very sorry that you've managed to be hoodwinked into thinking this is acceptable.

Look I am sorry if it made you feel bad, it wasn’t my intention- I was just trying to make you see in stark terms what your life will be like for the foreseeable if you don’t address this behaviour.

You do realise that he’ll probably start with the outbursts about mundane spending/ financial guilt tripping with the kids pretty soon too? Kids are incredibly perceptive with their parents, you won’t be able to shield them and they’ll be walking on eggshells too. I know a family with a dad like this, one kid came to me in tears begging to buy them a new ice cream because they dropped theirs and they knew their dad would go mental about the waste of money. Mum was worse than useless, pretending that all was happy families. The child had severe anxiety now.

If you reduce your hours, could you pick up a little bit of tutoring in the evenings a couple of days a week to make up for the lost income?

And to be fair it doesn't sound like you want a management position. I don't blame you, a tonne of extra work for very little extra money and then if you make it to SLT your 1265 protection is gone. Im also on U3 and I have no desire to take on a management role ever again.

I don’t think what I earn makes a blind bit of difference to DH.

Except for when you have to ask him to contribute to groceries, or towards his own son’s birthday party.

I’m sorry you’re having to live like that, and you must be exhausted by it.

He’s not a generous man. The man you ‘knew’ before was a fiction because it’s easy to be generous if you don’t have grown-up responsibilities, just a girlfriend or partner with her own independent means.

You know that’s the issue, and belabouring the point won’t help.

In terms of what you do next, I suspect sticking at 3 days but working over 4 is probably the best option in both the short and medium term, until you can regroup and see what’s next after they’re both at school.

@Heronwatcher i basically have two choices - to stay or to not.

But right now it is pragmatic to stay put. Because what is certain is that things will get better. I won’t always have such demanding children (I don’t mean them personally, just that their ages mean they are naturally very demanding) and in just two and a half short years I will have more money and more time.

Things may well then improve with DH. If they don’t; if I’m still getting snide comments and being held responsible for every financial mishap since biblical times then time to reevaluate. But I’ll have options open to me that I don’t have now.

It is 100% just me who gets whined at, not the children. At the moment. As I’ve said if that changes, time to reevaluate and to make decisions.

@ChefBingo the problem is I wouldn’t be reliable because of DHs work. I think any tutee would soon get fed up of that and I don’t blame them.

If your oh is emotionally abusive than the walking on eggshells is likely to only get worse as the children get older and have more strong views. It is naive to think than someone who will shout at you because HIS parents need coffee won't also be emotionally abusive to the children. It's also naive to assume your children won't pick up on his behaviour from an early age.

Please speak to womens aid. This isn't normal behaviour he's showing.

Your relationship sounds shit. This isn't the way it should be. He should WANT to work together to find the best family balance. The fact that he doesn't suggests he's a poor partner and father.

You'd probably be better off without him in more ways that just finances.

Are you actually married?

Just checking as sometimes people say DH but don't mean it legally.

This.
You're wrong to think your children aren't affected. They are learning about relationships from you.

You sound very grounded down and in a cycle of thinking nothing can change. Talking it through with someone in real life might help?

Yes, we are married.

Maybe it is farcical or wrong but I am still hopeful DH will come back to me, if not then I know what to do. My priority though isn’t leaving right now, it’s keeping myself intact mentally and emotionally for the next year in particular and really the next two.

How long have you been together and how long has he been like this? Did you get married and/or have kids quickly?

I think many secondary schools are much more flexible than just 0.2/0.4/0.6/0.8 (especially now teachers are not so easy to come by). As long as the lessons are covered, people who don’t need a full timetable filled are actually great for the budget - no need to pay for them to be having extra frees! I’ve worked 0.75 spread evenly over 4 days (it suited me to have extra frees in my day at the time). I currently have colleagues who work very part time to plug gaps in our staffing (I think 0.35) and because they don’t particularly need/want more hours.

In that case I think you cut back on your spending. He should be on board with that as he's worried about financial anyway.

The kids don't need expensive swimming lessons etc. take them yourself on a weekend. Buy basic jacket potatoes etc as meals - cheap food can still be nutritional sound for the kids.

If you post your outgoings here people will help you cut down.

Save all the cash you can into an account he doesn't know about. You'll need it later.

To be honest I’m fine with what I spend. Taking the children swimming for example would be far more costly than their lessons (and they wouldn’t actually be learning to swim.)

Spending your life like this is no way to live, much less exposing your children in their formative years to domestic violence. (I wish it were different but that’s what it is.)

Walking on eggshells and rowing the boat single handedly for years would have ground you down. I would bet anything that even working full time and parenting the kids alone would be much better and you’d have much more energy than existing the way you are now.

please do reach out to women’s aid or your local equivalent.

What a miserable existence.

Yup. Two kids here, and despite them being much older, there’s no way I can match the time and enthusiasm I was able to put into my previous HoD+ roles I had before they were born. The money is not remotely worth the extra work (especially as pension contribution % goes up, plus the tax) - the ~£90 a month doesn’t even pay for the takeaway on a Friday because I’m exhausted!!

Aw mate. Wishing you all the best. I’m a teacher with just one 3 year old and I am BROKEN 😂.

Would you be able to do 0.5? Not much between that and 0.6 take home pay wise.

Could you just miss form time and not a whole hour?

Alternatively there is always exam marking?

It might be that once he does start at school you will find a friendly mum who will do a swap for 7.30-8am in exchange for some holiday cover, or picking up their child after school.

I’ve decided to trade short term cash shortages for time with my child. An old HOD said to me when she retired that the one thing she really regretted was not spending enough time with her kids when they were small (you were either full time or didn’t work in those days).

Equally though, do you really want to look back at the most precious times with your children and remember you were walking on eggshells the whole time? Is he actually a nice Dad?

If it’s money - fuck that. How big is your house? How expensive are your cars that it’s worth feeling so miserable about?

And never EVER post about teaching on AIBU! By tomorrow morning there’ll be 10 pages of anger aimed at you about everything from fines to haircuts to people musing if it wouldn’t just be better if teachers weren’t allowed to have children themselves so they could dedicate themselves more to their ‘vocation’ .

Have you tried posting in the staffroom section or Reddit uk teaching?

Could you work inbetween 2-3 days. So 0.5?And arrange that your PPA slot is done at home? So get the childcare but not drop as many hours?

it is a shame your income and pension is sacrificed due to DH having zero role with the childcare.

This is only going to improve if you stand your ground with your husband and insist on ALL family expenses being split 50/50. This might not work out in your favour if you have a massive mortgage and high energy bills though - my DH & I each put the same amount into a joint account every month and more than half of it goes on the mortgage, council tax, gas, electric & internet bills - and we have a smallish mortgage. If you are paying £750 for childcare plus food shop for 2 adults & 2 young kids plus clothes & days out that could easily be less than mortgage plus bills. But you need to know- and if you're on the mortgage that's an easy one to find out about via the bank, and council tax is a known quantity. If you don't even know which bank the mortgage is with and how much is owed that's seriously worrying.