To go part time when finances aren’t great?

[iwanttoworktwodays]

There’s a long and complex back story here and so if I miss some information out it isn’t intentional.

I currently work three days a week, I want to reduce this to two, but still spread over three days - starting later and finishing earlier. This is mostly to allow me to do school drop offs and pick ups when my child starts school in September. It all falls on me, and although there is wraparound available it only starts at 8, my work starts at 820 and it’s a bit too tight. (There aren’t any childminders attached to the school.) So one way or another I have to be PT.

The problem is financially things aren’t great, it’s definitely the biggest source of tension in the house at the moment.

I have to admit I’m a bit torn with what to do. I’m not in a great place at the moment as I’m pressured at both work and home, but also don’t want to make any rash decisions if my marriage is shaky it seems foolish to reduce a source of income.

I don’t get this. With kids your ages surely you can be mid 40s at most. In teaching I know several teachers who have been promoted to deputy or head in their 50s and have certainly done management roles. Come on @iwanttoworktwodays you have a potentially abusive partner and 2 young kids to support. You might well need to do this on your own at some point. I know it’s difficult but you need to be making a plan to be more self sufficient, afford your own place, get the kids through school/ university without him if necessary, not more financially dependent.

I d know what’s going in and out , to be fair we fo seem to get hit a lot with unexpected expenses. I think what he’s worried about is being unable to access credit.

@Iceache realistically I’m not going to get a promotion and I’m not going to be in a position to take one for many years. I definitely don’t want to be doing days of extra work for an extra 3k in my annual salary. It just isn’t worth it.

This seems the obvious solution to me

@Heronwatcher but I’m not going to go from part time teacher to deputy head. It would be second in department then head of department then assistant head … I’d need to spend at least a couple of years (more really8) in both! I’d be well into my fifties then.

What sort of unexpected expenses

why does he think he won’t be able to access credit

have you got a lot of credit debt / cars on finance besides your mortgage

Im just wondering why he thinks your going to go bankrupt because it’s a weird way of thinking

Yes, there’s cars on finance and some credit card debt. And he can’t really earn more without the childcare costs being impacted. So he keeps stressing about it.

How much does he earn? Because there’s a huge difference between him earning 100k or more and him earning 60k, and it gives a better picture of how unreasonable / reasonable you’re both potentially being.

About £90 plus a bonus.

Yes I know, but women our age are likely to be working until we’re at least 65/70. That’s potentially another 20-30 years. If you only did 10/15 years in higher level role it will affect your pension for the better hugely and you’d be able to build up some savings and, if necessary, support yourself and your kids. And you’d be in a much better position to start this process in a few years if you’re on 3/4 days a week at the moment than if you drop down to 2. I’m not saying do it now- it’s fine to plateau for a bit when the kids are young- but you want to be able to progress quickly if you want or need to in a few years.

Does your DP do things like washing, cooking, childcare etc at the weekends and when he’s not travelling? Even barring the money issues (which I think are pretty bad) I think the solution is to share the housework and cooking a bit more.

TBH I’d also seriously consider one of the other schools for a few years (especially the smaller one) if it’s easier to make it work without losing money.

In theory that might work @Heronwatcher but I honestly can’t see my being appointed over a twenty five year old for a second in dept role. And I wouldn’t be very good at it, most importantly. I’d just end up on capability procedures.

It’s worth really pausing OP and considering their your husband is treating you poorly. This is sounding like financial abuse. He should be throwing all his money in the family pot so that any decision made affects the family’s finance and he is personally impacted. The children are not your hobby so you shouldn’t be paying for them alone!

Your posts have a tone I recognise. You sound burnout and tired of worrying about big things that impact your children alone because your husband thinks the kids are solely your responsibility. You also sound worried about making him angry, anxious that you’re making the best decisions for your young kids and maybe nervous about what your employer will think and your own future. If you are feeling like this then please remember that you’re doing the best you can, your husband is crap and responsible for a lot of this stress and your kids will thrive whatever you choose.

Aside from that, I would reduce your hours as long as it won’t stop you from paying for basics. At the end of the day what would you rather invest in? Extras like swimming lessons or Mum at home more often which allows DS to go to the good school and keeeps your DD out of long days at nursery. If you feel that being at home more will give them the best start at life then invest in this as it’s clever what you value most.

my main concern would be that you leave yourself vulnerable if you split. But they’re crying out for teacher so I would have thought that you could increase your days quite easily if you were to split. Maybe you could also take up extra casual work during evenings or school holidays to supplement your income?

Why on Mumsnet does everyone think everyone has to have joint accounts. Not everyone has a joint account and not having one doesn't mean there's financial abuse.

This is confusing because you said earlier he doesn’t want you to work more yet he’s stressed because of a lot going out and not as much coming in as he’d like (reading between the lines). So where’s the money going to come from if you continue to work part-time?

Also just in case it helps to spell it out (and apologies if this is really clear) this is how family finances are meant to work:

• all money in (salaries, benefits, other income)
• calculate essential bills- childcare, mortgage, utilities, council tax, cars, phones
• decide what extra-curricular activities you can afford for kids
• allocate money for day to day stuff like shopping, petrol, clothes
• decide on how much you can save
• split anything left so that both of you have an equal amount left for hobbies, spending etc.

That way each person benefits from the household income equally and you both know where you stand.

If he’s on 90k and you’re on 30k ish, that’s over 100k a year- and you’re only paying for limited childcare because you’re only working 3 days a week. Are you really on the verge of bankruptcy? If so can you downsize the house, get cheaper cars etc?

@Eldermillennial2024 I don’t have a joint account but me and my partner split bills fairly and regularly check in with each other and agree spending / saving priorities together. What the OP is describing is FA. The husband is on 100k and op is on about 27k and he’s keeping his separate so she can’t see any spending of his while she’s scrimping and saving and managing the kids to the point she’s burned out….

Ok so the bonus can tip him over 100k and then you lose child care tax thing. - Is that right

can he not put the bonus or some of it into his pension so at least he’s still gets it ( just not right now ) and you still get the child care help.

he earns well and so do you
but I’m guessing that you bought your house pre kids and were used to a high / fairly free and easy standard of living and spending what you want within reason

and then kids come along and it’s spend spend spend but one of you can’t work as much and you have huge child care to pay on top of everything else

2 cars on finance and some credit card debt can easily be anything from 500 -1k a month and if that’s not including insurance and running cost then you can add more to that easily.
add a sizable mortgage council tax and gas / electric other bills and food for 4 people and its easy to see how a good salary of 90k isn’t going to leave much over

and the op goes on childcare and stuff for the kids / it’s easy to see why you both feel the way you do

But hang on, his salary is 3x hers and he’s refusing to discuss money with her whilst she pays for everything for the kids. She’s scared to ask him for any money. She doesn’t know what the family finances are so she’s having to take his word for the fact that the family is on the verge of bankruptcy. I think that’s the bit people think is potentially abusive.

your responses are very negative when people give good constructive advice. Do you like teaching?

I think you need to work on your marriage first. You are planning for the current dilemma. What about the next one? You need to feel as though you are a team and he has your back?

Ok so I have two main thoughts:

The first is that you have a similar household income to us, and we find it tight financially. We have an expensive mortgage and high outgoings and we have to watch what we spend, so I know that sort of income doesn’t necessarily afford you what you might think. I’m upping my hours and pushing my career (as is my husband) because we’re future-proofing. I think you need to think more about how you can contribute here to alleviate some of this financial pressure.

Secondly, with an earnings disparity like this, you need either joint access to funds, or something similar. You are in a very precarious position because you currently have neither a decent independent income or access to one. The only way one partner should agree to reducing hours for family benefit is if they are doing it for the family and the resulting earnings gap is bridged

@Poppins21 I am really sorry if that’s the case, I’m just trying to be honest about my own strengths and my own limitations. I know there’s absolutely no way I’d cope with additional responsibilities at this moment and even if I could I don’t think I’d be appointed to this sort of role.

@Heronwatcher in fairness I do know how much goes in / out. But it’s more that I’m treated like a bit of an expensive nuisance really. I’ve had this out with him, he’s mortified and apologetic then does the same thing again the next day.

@Snapncrackle that first part is correct. DH feels he can’t earn more (obviously he can but you know what I mean) so we’re sort of stuck, and I do think he resents me for this even though he says he doesn’t. I had to rely on him more when I was on maternity leave and in some ways it was a relief to get back to work. But now I have a new set of challenges. And I do feel like I made the wrong call doing three days this year which is why I’m keen to get it ‘right’ next year; I know it is boring!

@westisbest1982 basically what he wants is a life where he’s never asked for money. Where he pays the mortgage, bills, the rest is his. It isn’t what envisioned when I got married. But it is how they are and this is why it’s important I

a) can cope with work. If I work too much and end up doing a crap job and in bother or if I can’t juggle school drop offs etc and am late, rushed, that’s disastrous, not wanting to be overly dramatic, but

b) I also need to earn enough that I can cover my outgoings and not ask or involve DH in my finances. And I get that’s a bit shit but it’s as honest as I can be.

@Iceache thanks for that answer. Ideally yes I’d just have access to family finances but there’s no way this will ever happen. If I upped my hours all I’d do would be to possibly make my job untenable going forward. Obviously when they are both at school I can do a bit more then but as it is I’m woken / disturbed overnight as one child is teething, I have to get them up, out, bags packed, dropped to nursery, get to work myself, same in reverse end of the day, bath time and bed and then any work myself PLUS house stuff. Adding to that with additional responsibilities just isn’t doable and I’m honestly not trying to be negative, I’m just being honest.

I basically need to work as little as I can and earn as much as I can and I guess don’t we all!

It was not a criticism it was a genuine question about if having a career change may help. But I think this is taking a massive toll on your self esteem from your responses. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

No i didn’t think for a moment it wasn’t genuine.

I think the most important thing is to work out the impact on your take home pay, how much do you actually lose (considering any relevant tax/NI thresholds), what costs can you save by working less hours out of the home? If you have these facts then you can work out if it might help. There are certainly points where the difference between 0.8, 1.0, 0.6 you get very little financial benefit if you consider the change in hours. I'm on an 0.8 contract with 2 kids in school, and if I did a 1.0 I'd need to find paid after-school care which along with tax would make a pay rise very marginal... 0.6 to 0.8 was ok as I stretch my hours over 5 days and DH covers one long day but student loan, tax and childcare costs/need for paid help as we'd have no time for admin...