To go part time when finances aren’t great?

[iwanttoworktwodays]

There’s a long and complex back story here and so if I miss some information out it isn’t intentional.

I currently work three days a week, I want to reduce this to two, but still spread over three days - starting later and finishing earlier. This is mostly to allow me to do school drop offs and pick ups when my child starts school in September. It all falls on me, and although there is wraparound available it only starts at 8, my work starts at 820 and it’s a bit too tight. (There aren’t any childminders attached to the school.) So one way or another I have to be PT.

The problem is financially things aren’t great, it’s definitely the biggest source of tension in the house at the moment.

I have to admit I’m a bit torn with what to do. I’m not in a great place at the moment as I’m pressured at both work and home, but also don’t want to make any rash decisions if my marriage is shaky it seems foolish to reduce a source of income.

Start at 8.40 if you're a teacher

@Iceache hiw gave you deduced I’m not committed? I’m genuinely confused by that. It’s just making stuff up and is unhelpful.

I am not particularly reliant on DH for anything.

Why do you think you are too old to seek promotions?

There is a way to stop this, of course there is. You stand up for yourself, insist on a conversation and you insist on equal finances. If things don’t change you pack your bags and ask him how he intends to manage his 50% childcare. Or if you can’t face it you say you’re going back full time and expect him to sort out pick ups or drop offs to facilitate this, since he’s refusing to be fair about money. You get tough instead of reducing your hours to make yourself even more vulnerable. I can’t believe you’re seriously considering that tidying the house and starting dinner early is the priority here.

You’re an intelligent woman, a professional, a teacher. You’ve got a job. You aren’t the first person to be badly treated/ financially abused and you won’t be the last. But you have got to get your marriage sorted or leave.

Do you really want this for the next 18/ 20 years? Because I can tell you that kids are even more expensive as they get older- think compulsory laptops for secondary school, uniform in the hundreds, residentials which cost £500 and upwards, proms, phones, pocket money. Do you really want to have to go through the Oliver Twist act every fucking time like a beggar, when he’s on 90k a year and does no childcare?

@Heronwatcher i honestly have. I’m not some meek little pushover but equally nothing I’ve said or done has made any difference.

In just three years both children will be at school. At the moment I’m paying around £750 in childcare and that money can go into the mortgage and any other outstanding debt. This may well mean DH unclenches and becomes the man I hope he still is inside. If not then there’s my answer I guess.

@JHound the thing with promotions is that it is a bit of a young woman’s game. I am 45 in September (which is the earliest I could realistically seek a new job.) I am not honestly sure how not looking for a promoted position has equalled not being committed to the job; it’s the opposite. It is better to do a little well than do a lot badly!

But that aside I am doing everything at home. I am regularly going into work on a few hours’ broken sleep. I am struggling to ensure everything is done. I do - you have to - but I know that adding to my load if you like with two tiny children and no additional support would be madness. I’m sure some people do it but I wouldn’t do a good job and that would be morally dubious as well as potentially ending up getting myself into trouble.

So if I say right - well I shall wait until both children are in school - I’d be 47, and starting on the bottom rung of the ladder. It’s doable but not likely especially since I’d struggle to work full time throughout the primary school years. And I don’t need or want to work for a promotion.

There is a saying I often think of: “there are men who want to be husbands and fathers and men who wants wives and children.

Sounds like your husband is the latter. I genuinely don’t get why it’s impossible to discuss. I know he throws a tantrum but this situation is untenable. You are not acting as a couple but two completely separate housemates who happen to live together with separate responsibilities instead of a family unit.

I get not everybody has joint accounts but these are joint responsibilities. Why should you be stressing and trying to figure out way to make it work alone. I could get a reluctance to ask for money for holidays, fancy nights out with friends, theatre trips but it is literally for the care of your children that you both have. For him to throw a tantrum over that is honestly baffling and as others have said looks like financial abuse.

Honestly if this is the case I would be trying to find ways to get childcare support so I could throw myself into building my career as your husband is a dud and I cannot see how this marriage is tenable in the long term.

Why do you have the belief that promotions are à “young woman’s game”?

Who on earth told you that?

It’s impossible to discuss because he just endlessly repeats things. Any attempts to reason with him don’t work. The thing with a discussion is that it relies on the other person engaging with it and he doesn’t and won’t. I’ve come to realise for the sake of my own sanity and to be honest my own sense of dignity I need to disengage from it. Our last money row was last month, over our DS’s party. A few people messed about a bit over the RSVPs so we had more coming than anticipated and you had to pay per head so it was a bit more expensive than I thought. DH asked me if I needed any money for it and I said that an amount would be helpful. He transferred that to me plus £50. Mistake as then we had a massive row the morning of the party as his parents were coming, they drink a particular brand of coffee. I couldn’t find my card, we were a bit rushed so I asked for his to buy this coffee. He went mad at me and threw the £150 he’d transferred to me in my face,

Before anyone thinks I just stood there and took it I didn’t, I went mad back and told him in no uncertain terms I wasn’t going to tolerate it for the rest of my life and more to that effect. But it doesn’t really make any difference. I’ve just had to learn - take nothing, ask for nothing, even if it’s offered, refuse.

I don’t think this is really who he is but it’s who he’s become. I’m still hopeful he’ll come back to me. But if not then I do have routes out. This is what this thread is, I don’t want to close any doors.

@JHound i have been round the block a few times! In the last decade I haven’t seen anyone appointed to a senior position under the age of 40!

Second in dept jobs (which would be the springboard) tend to go to newish teachers, often in their twenties, with time to devote to the role. There’s often a lot expected in proportion to monetary reward but it’s a starting point, a springboard. I don’t have that time to devote to the role; I’d never compete with someone who did.

Have you walked out with the kids for a few days? If you speak but don’t act he’s not taking you seriously.

I pay much more for my kids than £750 a month. Swimming lessons alone are nearly £400. Then there’s piano, after school clubs, dinner money, clothes, pocket money, school supplies etc. You’re mad if you think that’s going to solve it.

I don’t have anywhere to go @Heronwatcher . I can’t just walk out with literally the street as my option. (I know you weren’t suggesting this by the way.)

I don’t think it’s ’mad’ that when I’m not spending a huge chunk of my salary on childcare that some pressure will be alleviated. I don’t know how many children you have but our swimming lessons are £135. I pay.

Or, if you don’t want to leave, have you stopped ALL wife work for him. You cook for you and the kids. You don’t do his washing. No admin. No visiting his family. You make yourself scarce at the weekends with a new hobby etc without the kids or just with the youngest for a day. Give him a taste of the single life.

It makes no difference as he doesn’t really create any extra work in that sense! He gets back after dinnertime, the laundry is literally 60% kids, 35% me (because I am the one who gets food and snotty noses wiped on her!) and 5% him.

Maybe your expenses will be less (I guess but at the very least I’d suggest working it out.

Have you really nowhere you can go- family, friends? Or just pay for an airbnb for a few days/ a week. I’m not thinking about months just enough for him to take you seriously as whatever is happening at the moment isn’t working.

I am your age (44) and am currently going for promotion and see people going for promotion everyday. You are convincing yourself of something that is not true.

@JHound you’re in a completely different field though (forgive me; I just did a search!)

If I was actively pursuing promotions I would have to start off by getting through the interviews to obtain a role like second in dept or KS coordinator. Hardly any extra money; lots of extra work. Oh and full time, which I can’t do. And then I’d have to do that for a few years. Then pursue a HOF role, when I was pushing 50 and competing with people around the thirty mark.

And … I don’t want to. I’m just not interested in it. I’m sorry if that’s the ‘wrong’ answer but it’s the honest one.

It isn’t possible or practical and even if it was - it isn’t something I want.

@Heronwatcher i have nowhere to go and there’s no way I have ample spare cash for an air BNB. And nothing would ruin the effect of a walk out more than skulking back because I’m broke!

So I’ve just done a back of a fag packet list of expenses per month for my kids (I have 3, so obviously if you’re only ever going to have 2, just do 2/3)

Swimming lessons £400
Piano/ violin £250
Tutoring (Maths, the eldest missed approx 2 years of school because of Covid) £200
Brownies/ cubs £30
After school clubs (sports, art, choir- 3 days) £50
Uniform £30 (probably mostly in September)
Dinner money £90 (eldest gets £15 a week which covers 3 meals, younger 2 about £50 per term each)

Thats £1050 without the food shop (which is easily another £800 across the month), activities, any treats like a meal out and things like birthday presents, holidays, bikes, books etc. And the petrol I spend ferrying the kids around!

Obviously you don’t have to do all of this but I just don’t think that you putting an extra £750 in the pot is going to change things so dramatically that this situation will improve.

I’m also a teacher and in the last three weeks I’ve seen a 55 year old become assistant head, a 50 year old become assistant head and a 44 year old become department lead. I myself am finding I get passed over for those with more years (I have plenty of experience), so I think you’re looking at this all wrong. In this job, if you’re good and driven you won’t get passed by. I suspect you’re conflating ageism with a lack of drive; all the best professionals I know are hugely committed and of varying ages. But, that’s off topic.

I think you’re being defeatist about your job but I get that you’re in the trenches regarding the ages of your children. Your husband complaining about handing over his card to buy coffee when he earns 90k is madness. How do you think he’d be if you earned more and shouldered the financial burden to a further degree? Would he be more inclined to split things, or would his attitude be the same?

Well - yeah, kids cost money. I do know that

We don’t live a life where we go nowhere and do nothing. Obviously mine are only little but they do rugby and ballet (well, sort of moving around a bit to ballet music) swimming, we are going to a wildlife park this week and an event on NYE involving (fake) snow. And I’m paying for that AND childcare. So the scoffing that I’m so very stupid to think that not paying for childcare will make a difference is somewhat misplaced. If I went by your figures above (and at 44 I’m hardly likely to have a third, even if I wanted one) then that means I’m spending £700 a month, plus food and petrol etc. affordable enough even on part time pay which is currently around £2000 p/m. I also have another source of income.

I don’t think it’s ageism. More that they have an enthusiasm and a passion for management that I don’t. You do seem to be ignoring the fact I don’t want a promotion, even though I’ve said repeatedly I don’t want to be promoted!

I don’t think what I earn makes a blind bit of difference to DH. At the moment he’s just not a bee in his bonnet which is buzzing loudly and frequently.

why are you asking a 2nd time then?

You obviously already know everyting. Do what you like.

Yes I think I have to agree. Bringing it back to the original question if you really want to reduce your earning capacity when you’ve got a husband who goes mental when you ask him to buy some coffee for his own parents and apparently not enough in savings to pay for a couple of nights in an Airbnb then go for it.

I absolutely don’t know everything, and it’s been extremely helpful talking through everything on this thread; I’ve no idea why you’ve suddenly posted a sulky, petulant retort with no context.

I don’t know which of my answers have displeased you but I’m not actually bound to please you with any of them.

Right. I haven't read every single post because it's too painful.

In your circumstances I would find and employ someone or a range of people to do the school drop offs 3 days a week - sounds like you only need someone to cover about 30 minutes a day, max an hour. If that would be impossible on current income, I would get something- anything - on one of my non working days to raise some extra cash (probably a domestic cleaning job or something, 2 hours once a week).

I'd ask local friends/other parents if they would do it. I'd go to a childminder if I had to.

If that didn't work, I'd have asked my mum.

And then I would start to consider how the fuck my life got this way. But given my past history, I don't think I'd have left.