To go part time when finances aren’t great?

[iwanttoworktwodays]

There’s a long and complex back story here and so if I miss some information out it isn’t intentional.

I currently work three days a week, I want to reduce this to two, but still spread over three days - starting later and finishing earlier. This is mostly to allow me to do school drop offs and pick ups when my child starts school in September. It all falls on me, and although there is wraparound available it only starts at 8, my work starts at 820 and it’s a bit too tight. (There aren’t any childminders attached to the school.) So one way or another I have to be PT.

The problem is financially things aren’t great, it’s definitely the biggest source of tension in the house at the moment.

I have to admit I’m a bit torn with what to do. I’m not in a great place at the moment as I’m pressured at both work and home, but also don’t want to make any rash decisions if my marriage is shaky it seems foolish to reduce a source of income.

i agree Randomsabreur a good first step is working out what is actually means for your finances OP.

Yep, why have you started a new thread about exactly the same thing OP?

Ah so all he wants to pay is mortgage/ bills and the rest of what’s left over is his

but there isn’t much left over because of higher cost of living and he see it as the kids are your project and he’s not really responsible for them financially ( they are your pets as such )

he is an asshole and he isn’t a good family man if he begrudges/ resents paying for his kids that he also created and he makes that clear

basically he wants to be a single married man
so he’s gets the kudos of being married / family / cute kids but apart from putting a roof over their head he’s not that bothered
he wants his money / finances more than his family and he’s prepared to see you suffer financially

So basically you do pretty much 100% of all the family drudge and are still expected to earn your own money. You are in an impossible position and either you need to somehow get him to understand this and split the finances more equally, or you leave him. Money may be tight, but on an income like that there is space for luxuries, and if you’re having to live hand to mouth because your husband keeps the majority back (for who knows what), then you have three options: up your hours (which you say is untenable); work out an even split and ride out the early years together (at some point you will become more financially comfortable) or leave him.

I did say earlier that I felt I made the wrong call this year and it’s really important to me that I don’t make the same mistake. I’m just mulling things over. I do get it’s annoying when you repeat yourself (which is why I’m subjecting MN to it anonymously!) but you don’t have to answer, or if it’s really annoying you just hide the thread.

To be fair I’m not really living hand to mouth, the children do things, wear nice clothes, have a nice life. It’s more the walking on eggshells thing. I genuinely don’t think it’s intentional but equally it won’t stop any time soon. So I don’t know what to do to be honest!

It'd be better to at least link your previous thread so people aren't wasting their time giving suggestions which you've previously dismissed.

I name changed for a reason @Chonk . It actually isn’t very nice to put name changes even if they are obvious. Especially when I’m writing about marital problems which some have pointed out would be interpreted as abusive even if that’s not the intent.

What? I haven't mentioned your previous username, or even the fact you've changed it, but you can't expect to post the exact same thing twice and people not realise you're the same poster?

I’m sorry OP but you would be absolutely mad to reduce your income when you are being financially controlled by your DH. It doesn’t matter if you don’t see it that way or if he’s motivated more by anxiety than malevolence; the effect is the same.

It’s not just about your income right now. You will decimate your pension. DH left me this year and I’m about to fight tooth and nail for my fair share of his pension in the financial settlement of our divorce because his is so much bigger than mine after a decade part-time.

I also teach and if I could go back I don’t think I’d have reduced my hours. Thirteen weeks of holidays with my children go a long way to compensate for the term-time childcare.

I know you haven’t @Chonk but referencing other threads just isn’t cricket, I’m sorry but it isn’t. I don’t really hugely mind but I don’t think it’s a great sort of habit to be in. And it’s helping no one, is it? I can’t remember which other name I used anyway!

@ThanksItHasPockets i think I will have to reduce my hours or at the very least keep them at 0.6 in order to facilitate school drop offs.

have now read all OP post.

What you should be considering is how you can work FT and make sure that when/if everything goes tits up with your husband, you can support yourself and still have something of a pension when you retire.

To be blunt

I see there are no childminders, which is a shame as mine was a godsend. But is there also no breakfast or after-school club? It’s incredibly unusual as a teacher to do all of your child’s drop-offs and pick-ups, even part-time - and I know a LOT of working teacher parents. Why do you feel that you have to do this?

I don't know (or care) what username you used either! But yes, it is helpful, as it saves other posters from wasting their time repeating all of the very good advice you've already had. If you think it's 'cricket' to post the same thread repeatedly, where do you intend to draw the line? 3 threads, 4? As many as it takes to get the answer you want?

Chonk, seriously, if it bothers you, just hide the thread or report it if you think MN should link it or should add anything. This isn’t adding anything.

@ThanksItHasPockets there is a breakfast and after school club. But breakfast club only starts at 8 and I wouldn’t be able to get to my school on time especially with heavy rush hour traffic, I’ve two drop offs to do as well.

I’d be able to support myself @Brefugee , I’d just rather not have to iyswim. Pension is fine.

Sounds like you need a big discussion with him to sort out this and finances. You must have the worst deal on finances with paying childcare and food unless your mortgage is absolutely massive.

Can you tell your school you want to work FT but just not work period 1 every day?

@Mandylovescandy - I think we probably both feel like we’ve got the worst deal. But there’s just no talking to him about this. I have tried; tried to bring it all out into the open and discuss openly and honestly but it just ends in him complaining and me feeling like I need to apologise for existing. I already feel like I’m walking on eggshells, for for instance a few nights ago home alone was on the TV and I said something like ‘New York at Christmas must be beautiful’ and as soon as I said it I was thinking oh shit, and true to form he started complaining it would cost money, we are skint. I ordered a small birthday cake for a relative, it cost around £20. Everyone had a slice and I said ah, everyone’s happy. DH snorts and said ‘everyone’s skint.’ It’s constant and very wearing.

I don’t think they’d do that without a formal adjustment to my hours and very honestly I don’t think I could do full time right now.

Please, read this back OP.

This is coercive and financial control and until you are willing to see this you are not going to find the answers you seek. It is always going to be easier to go in circles with MNers who are trying to be helpful from their own hard-won experience than it will be to see the reality of your situation. I’m so sorry.

I truly wish you well.

I totally agree it is even if unintentional. I’m just not sure there’s an awful lot I can do about it at the moment, anyway. And this is kind of the dilemma. If I reduce my hours I could end up in a position where financially I’d struggle on my own. But if I keep my hours as they are I just can’t fucking cope doing EVERYTHING!

It’s a nightmare really.

The sad thing is I knew him ‘before’, he was a good, generous man. So I do kind of feel like it’s my fault in some way although logically I don’t think it is.

I still don’t know how so many women find themselves reliant upon such awful, useless men. I also think you have a strange view of a professional job - that you can use the good pay to facilitate all aspects of the family whilst putting barely any effort in at work. The job requires more commitment than you are giving it really. If you worked on this aspect of your life then perhaps you’d find your career more fulfilling and would want to progress and gain some financial independence. It isn’t really the sort of job you can half arse

Abusers very often are wonderful people to others. Interestingly when I first had a women's aid supprt worker (before i actually left) one of our discussions was about this.

If he is self aware enough to be kind and generous to other people then he is self aware enough to be deliberately financially abusing you. No one should have to walk on eggshells or take on the full burden of working out how to financially manage being parents.

I felt like this before I ended my relationship. Like I have to be the sole person sorting everything and finding a solution that worked but also didn't upset my ex. The reason you are struggling to find a sensible solution is that you're trying to solve the wrong problem.

Why is the burden of all of the childcare left out of this equation?