To go part time when finances aren’t great?

[iwanttoworktwodays]

There’s a long and complex back story here and so if I miss some information out it isn’t intentional.

I currently work three days a week, I want to reduce this to two, but still spread over three days - starting later and finishing earlier. This is mostly to allow me to do school drop offs and pick ups when my child starts school in September. It all falls on me, and although there is wraparound available it only starts at 8, my work starts at 820 and it’s a bit too tight. (There aren’t any childminders attached to the school.) So one way or another I have to be PT.

The problem is financially things aren’t great, it’s definitely the biggest source of tension in the house at the moment.

I have to admit I’m a bit torn with what to do. I’m not in a great place at the moment as I’m pressured at both work and home, but also don’t want to make any rash decisions if my marriage is shaky it seems foolish to reduce a source of income.

Where’s the current ‘finances are a source of tension’ coming from if you’re both acting separately? He wants you to earn more because…?

No, it’s basically because he is convinced we’re on the verge of going bankrupt. We have a good amount of money coming in but also a lot going out so if I ever spend money that’s his he gets all stressed and starts going on and on about it. So I’ve stopped. I have tried a few times to sort it properly and work out a way forwards but you just can’t, it’s impossible.

There are possibly elements of this but I don’t think it’s intentional.

When we had our first child, DH didn’t really notice any change in life or income. This changed with our second and I don’t think he’s adapted awfully well in some ways.

Oh gosh. So although in theory you have access to ‘family money’ you actually don’t?

You’ll either need to eventually leave, or get used to tuning out his moaning and spending it anyway. You can’t keep covering the children’s expenses all by yourself indefinitely.

Rather than nursery and breakfast club, would a childminder work? Mine did before and after school care as well as all day for pre-schoolers-and was much better than any nursery I’ve heard of

I don’t have any access to them. If I asked he’d give me money but the resulting complaining and stressing and shouting means I’d honestly rather go without.

It may not be intentional now. It doesn't sound like he'd be willing to accept taking his share of the financial implications of there being wraparound care (you) for his child, even if it were very clearly spelled out to him. If he'd still see you short once he knows all this, it will then become intentional.

He is intentionally controlling, coercive and a bully imo

Then I’m sorry to tell you, but you are in a financially abusive relationship.

Whether that’s intentional on his part or not, whether he’s a good guy who ‘just hasn’t adapted’ or a bad guy doing it deliberately, it’s financial abuse. If he’s unwilling to change, that is an active choice on his part.

Sorry.

Short term, if you can survive on your salary and cut your hours, do it if it helps you. Refuse to engage in conversations about finances because he refuses to engage on combined solutions to family budgeting. Consider your future carefully, and then make whatever changes you need to when you’re ready to and see your path ahead clearly. Just keep your eyes open.

From what you said they are shouldering the burden of paying the main mortgage and bills alone while you pay other costs.
And given you said there's already tension around family finances maybe that's leaving them with very little money left over and they aren't happy?
Any decision for you to reduce hours /income has to be a joint one. The way you phrase all your posts it sounds like you think this is your decision to make,alone - it can't be im afraid. You say the impact will all fall on you but if your partner already feels its a struggle its not fair for you to further reduce income.
Being fussy over schools was a luxury you couldn't afford, you needed to choose a school that had the right location and wraparound on offer to fit with your family routins. Or consider all this much earlier to allow time to move house or job.

I genuinely didn't think my ex was intentionally financially abusive. However it wasn't until I left that I realised the extent to which he was abusive in a whole range of areas I hadn't considered.

Unlike you I had access to all bank accounts and money was 'joint' but he made such a big deal constantly about us not being able to afford things that I hugely restricted spending on myself and the children. He didn't at all. But if I questioned it he would get angry and keep saying we were on the brink of financial ruin because e.g. he was likely to be made redundant. Retrospectively I can see it was just all part of a pattern of control. Financial abuse can take many forms.

Have a look at the 'Duluth Power and control wheel' section on economic abuse, as well as the other sections and see if you can relate to it.

Ok so having read all your responses, I honestly think you need to work out how you can make some sort of wraparound care work for you and then put your effort into your career and pension. Then I’d leave your useless husband. Going part time further not only puts the brakes on your career and further hinders your pension, but it’ll give you even less access to money than you currently have. Lose the husband and use your experience juggling the children and house to further your financial independence; you’ll be juggling either way but at least this option puts you in a stronger position

Thanks. I don’t think it is intentional but I do know it’s starting to become extremely toxic. At the moment things are such that I couldn’t leave, even if I wanted to. I think my priority is getting to a point where I could even if I ultimately decide to stay put.

i do think DH thinks we’re in huge financial trouble and is panicking. But rather than approaching this as a shared problem he just blames me for everything!

I won’t be progressing in my career. I’m top of the payscale and I’m too old to seek promotions. Pension is OK - I’ve many years of FT contributions.

i do think DH thinks we’re in huge financial trouble and is panicking. But rather than approaching this as a shared problem he just blames me for everything!

Well, refuse the blame for starters. Tell him you’re very happy to discuss finances and look for shared solutions but as you have no oversight of his side of the finances or input into decision-making unfortunately you cannot do so at this time. Rinse and repeat, I guess.

It’s only if I ask for money he goes off on one. So I just don’t and dread that situation arising.

Why do you actually work 3 days a week, what is the reason for this? And why do you want to revive to 2!

From your post it doesn’t seem like it’s childcare related?

I currently have two preschool children; I’m not sure how you’ve deduced it isn’t for childcare reasons!

Do you know what he earns
do you know what he pays out in terms of mortgage / gas / electric council tax

it may be that he is running right to the end of his salary each month with not much left over

are you due to remortgage in the next year or so he’s thinking that your mortgage might shoot up because you have dependents and you don’t earn as much as you did when you bought so you might not get as good of a mortgage offer

I mean he may just be an abusive financially controlling asshole but he may also be very worried about finances as well

i would start with some questions of why he thinks your going to go bankrupt because
you would need to be in some serious debt for that to happen so why is he thinking / saying this

either your in a large amount of uncontrollable debt and heading to bankruptcy in which case you definitely don’t want to drop your hours in work

or your not and he’s saying that to control and shut you up and he’s an abusive financially controlling asshole

I get that - it’s a classic tactic of an abuser. He’s trained you (whether intentionally in bad faith or not). I’m sorry, it’s horrible for you.

But you can’t raise two children to adulthood with separate finances and you paying all their costs. So one way or another something will have to change.

But as you’ve said previously, money is tight and you have no access to any shared funds, so surely career progression solves this problem for you? Plus, if I’m correct, the teachers’ pension isn’t final salary anymore, but it is based on the last ten years of your career in a way, and I’m assuming your an older mum (you mention years of FT contributions) so wouldn’t it be worth considering this to put you in the best position?

I think this is a bad idea. Taking a pay cut to get on top of housework and dinner when finances are tight is madness. I thought you were going to be talking about going from full time to 4 days or something. But you’re already only on 3 days a week.

Honestly the best thing you can do for your kids is keep a level of financial independence, get some savings together, but grab the bull by the horns and sort out your DH’s terrible attitude to money. It may seem as though placating him by not sorting this out is the best thing to do but it’s not. You need to have a household budget but then all the finances pooled with an emergency pot that you can both use for emergencies.

It may not seem like this but you’re in a dangerous position at the moment- already disagreeing about money and in the lesser position financially. Going 2 days a week will just weaken your financial position even more.

Your DH should also be doing an equal share of drop offs and pickups- every man I know is able to do a few, even surgeons and city bankers- and should be doing an equal share of cleaning/ cooking/ washing at the weekend or in the evenings to get ahead of the week. It’s madness for you to be doing more of the unpaid drudge work to facilitate him earning more which he refuses to let you access. Do not do it.

You're already in a vulnerable position

We had this whole conversation on a previous thread didn't we?

This is not ok. He’s clearly the breadwinner and she says this predated kids. What do you want him to do, quit and find another job so they’re in even more trouble.