Was my Christmas Day "abstemious"?

[romanfriendsandcountrywomen]

I'm a little bit nonplussed because my brother's new girlfriend apparently found Christmas Day at our house "nice but more abstemious than she's used to". However, I'm also now wondering if I was perhaps a bit boring....

Present on Xmas day : DH, me, DD (19), DS (15), my parents (late 70s), DB (43), DB newish girlfriend (30 something) my niece (DB's daughter, 16.)

People arrived at 11am. It's morning so I offered teas and proper coffees etc while we opened presents. At 12.00 I opened 2 bottles of M&S sloe gin fizz (admittedly only 4% alcohol but lovely and nicer than Buck's Fizz imo) and everyone had a glass while finishing opening the presents.

About 1.00 I we had champagne and nibbles- probably about 1.5 bottles of fizz and lots of nibbly things )

Full Xmas dinner at 3.00. (Turkey, pigs in blankets, 2 stuffings, roast potato, roast carrots and parsnips, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshires, Christmas pudding and chocolate log.) Opened 2 bottles of red wine.

After dinner we played games and finished off the red wine and champagne. I made the traditional Christmas snowball for the teenagers. Lots of adults had one as well despite laughing at them! (Advocat, lemonade, line juice, cocktail cherry perched artistically on top!)

About 9.00 we watched a film and had cheese. I offered to open more wine and we also offered port or baileys but people were full so most just had a cup of tea.

People went to bed or got an uber about midnight.

I thought it had been a lovely day so the abstemious comment had thrown me a bit. Girlfriend is from a bigger family with lots of siblings who all bring partners and apparently it's a more "adult" affair. She was surprised there were no spirits or cocktails as apparently she doesn't really drink wine and drinks vodka cranberry/ vodka coke. We don't drink spirits so it never occurred to me and I did wonder why she couldn't have brought her own but I haven't said anything.

So there were 7 adults and 2 teens and we had 4 bottles of wine/ fizz, a couple of bottles of low alcohol fizz and snowballs, port and baileys offered. Over 12 hours apparently this isn't a lot.

Be honest. Was my Xmas day a bit boring? I probably should have asked what she liked to drink...

Yes I was wondering that. Where did he feel the need to say that other than , thanks sis for laying on a lovely day

There was wine with dinner at the Christmas celebration we attended. Felt plenty festive and perfectly normal to me.

She should have brought her own vodka if that’s all she drinks.

Don’t give it another thought.

She's actually very nice. Db mentioned it in the context of him and DN having had a lovely time and said in padding that girlfriend said it was nice but more abstemious than she's used to"
She would be mortified I'm sure to know DB told me and he only mentioned it in passing.
I think I'm just worrying a bit as she's the first girlfriend to last since his divorce 10 years ago so I want her to like us.

Your Christmas day sounds lovely and sounds like you are a great host.

I wouldn't take much notice of what the girlfriend apparently said. It seems like you only heard it second hand? It may well have been a thoughtless throwaway comment or said in a jokey way for example - unless she said it to you directly you don't know the exact wording or context. Whoever passed the comments on to you was thoughtless to do so, as it was bound to make you feel like she was judging your Christmas day.

What was she expecting shots?? Did she say this to you or has your ds passed this on?

We drank a lot more than that with a lot less of us BUT it's all personal choice isn't it. She probably comes from a family like mine who get quite 'drinky' on Christmas Day. I have friends that drink a lot less than you guys did and I admit I'd be like hmmmm, there wasn't enough to drink if they hosted me. Not your fault though, it's not compulsory to be pissed on Christmas Day and I wouldn't worry, if she comes next year she'll know to bring a bottle of vodka!

Your Christmas sounds generously boozy to me and very very nice !
There were no spirits or cocktails around for our family Christmas either. We do very similar to you.

I was going to ask this^^

Maybe her family all get shitfaced and behave like animals all day. She may have meant it as a positive (although that is less likely based on her saying she expected x, y and z spirits and cocktails to be available).

She's rude if it was meant in a negative way.

More forgivable if she only mentioned it to your ds though (her bf). He shouldn't have said anything to you though

I don't think you need to drink a lot to have fun and I don't think you're day sounds boring at all.

However, we drank quite a bit more than you on Christmas day. Each to their own. You offered drinks and the offer wasn't taken up, so I'd assume your guests were happy.

Was the comment made direct to you or to your DB? If to your DB she might be just as worried you'll see her as a party animal or a drunk so I wouldn't read too much into it. It can be hard meeting a partners family for the first time, and hard to adapt to their traditions and ways.

There could be something in this generational thing. DH and I are 50s, DB late 40s she's at least 10 years younger than DB and nearly 20 years younger than us....

What did he mean by ‘never again’? Why? What were they like?

I’d infer either they’re wealthier and have more of a luxe spread or they’re pissheads and everyone gets hammered.

She sounds lovely then, OP.

And more fool your brother. It's often hard enough fitting into a new family dynamic without your partner setting you up for a fall 🙈🙈

Ooh I wish you'd said to her what your brother's view on her family event was. And your brother needs to learn when to shut his gob

No idea but thanks for introducing me to a new word. Never heard nor read ‘abstemious’ before!

Your Christmas day sounds lovely. She'd have hated ours! I had a shot of amaretto in my coffee late afternoon, but other than that it was soft drinks for most of us all day. If I wanted a specific drink I'd have checked if it would be available, and taken my own if not.

Agree with others who say your Christmas was fine.

But she sounds like she's actually a nice person who made an off the cuff remark that possibly wasn't as bad as it sounds and would be mortified that it was passed on. It shouldn't have been passed on.

She had a nice time at your house, albeit quieter than she's used to. I'd leave it at that and not worry.

Silly brother.

Your Xmas day sounds fabulous to me. I expect she’s just a bit younger and probably not really a grown up yet.

Lots of people seem to need to drink a lot, to have a good time (and are boring if they don’t, Fun Bobby anyone?) . A load of over bearing, over confident drunk people is depressingly dull and gives me the ick, stay as you are OP!

It’s rather low alcohol across 12 hours and lots of adults. It’s maybe half a bottle of wine per person - I would expect that with a regular meal as a base line.

At Christmas I’d think more along the lines of cocktails before, 4 bottles or so of wine with the meal, and either more wine or spirits in the later evening. Certainly no one has an empty glass for long.

It’s different now the children are all teens/twenties - instead of the moderate approach when we had preschool kids so couldn’t be getting at all tipsy.

The only rude thing was your brother telling you.

I think your brother is in the wrong here.

We all have times where we make comments about extended family to our other half. And we should be able to expect that our partner doesn't then feed this back. This situation is entirely of your brothers making.

Hopefully just thoughtless chitterchatter from your brother then.
Whilst it’s very nice that you want her to like you - in the kindest way, whether she stays in your brother life or not is more down to him than if she likes the family though

Well it did occur to me whether she even meant “abstemious”.

I think your day sounds lovely and it doesn’t matter if she didn’t.
FWIW, I tend to find my in laws christmases abstemious and for me it’s that I’m used to a bit more silliness after a drink (games etc) and also crucially just a feeling of a bit of excess, like lots of chocolates open for grazing, bowls of crisps and nuts. My MIL gets so flustered by leftovers and excess that it’s all very carefully planned to be just enough and no more. I don’t find that festive, personally. But it’s not a moral judgement!

Agree. And he should have hosted her better. If knew she had a strong preference for vodka, he should have brought some with him.

Gosh, there's no pleasing some people. You sound like a great host and she needs to be more careful with her throw away comments.