Was my Christmas Day "abstemious"?

[romanfriendsandcountrywomen]

I'm a little bit nonplussed because my brother's new girlfriend apparently found Christmas Day at our house "nice but more abstemious than she's used to". However, I'm also now wondering if I was perhaps a bit boring....

Present on Xmas day : DH, me, DD (19), DS (15), my parents (late 70s), DB (43), DB newish girlfriend (30 something) my niece (DB's daughter, 16.)

People arrived at 11am. It's morning so I offered teas and proper coffees etc while we opened presents. At 12.00 I opened 2 bottles of M&S sloe gin fizz (admittedly only 4% alcohol but lovely and nicer than Buck's Fizz imo) and everyone had a glass while finishing opening the presents.

About 1.00 I we had champagne and nibbles- probably about 1.5 bottles of fizz and lots of nibbly things )

Full Xmas dinner at 3.00. (Turkey, pigs in blankets, 2 stuffings, roast potato, roast carrots and parsnips, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshires, Christmas pudding and chocolate log.) Opened 2 bottles of red wine.

After dinner we played games and finished off the red wine and champagne. I made the traditional Christmas snowball for the teenagers. Lots of adults had one as well despite laughing at them! (Advocat, lemonade, line juice, cocktail cherry perched artistically on top!)

About 9.00 we watched a film and had cheese. I offered to open more wine and we also offered port or baileys but people were full so most just had a cup of tea.

People went to bed or got an uber about midnight.

I thought it had been a lovely day so the abstemious comment had thrown me a bit. Girlfriend is from a bigger family with lots of siblings who all bring partners and apparently it's a more "adult" affair. She was surprised there were no spirits or cocktails as apparently she doesn't really drink wine and drinks vodka cranberry/ vodka coke. We don't drink spirits so it never occurred to me and I did wonder why she couldn't have brought her own but I haven't said anything.

So there were 7 adults and 2 teens and we had 4 bottles of wine/ fizz, a couple of bottles of low alcohol fizz and snowballs, port and baileys offered. Over 12 hours apparently this isn't a lot.

Be honest. Was my Xmas day a bit boring? I probably should have asked what she liked to drink...

Sounds like the day was a big success and you (and guests) enjoyed yourself. Great that even at Christmas time (when “tradition” is prioritised) we can still be open to new ways of doing things. Maybe girlfriend will be introducing her family to new ways of celebrating in future years.

Firstly, because if you’re waiting until it’s an ‘appropriate’ time, that time is generally considered to be 11am. Secondly, because it’s Christmas! Did you not read the thread about what people had for breakfast on Boxing Day? It’s the time of year when everyone is much more relaxed about what they eat and drink.

11am is “generally” considered an appropriate time to start boozing?
In your family, maybe. I don’t know why you’ve decided it’s a general custom, though.

This thread is the perfect audience for the fun fact that "abstemious" is one of only two words in the English language to include all 5 vowels only once and in the right order (aeiou).

I love that. What’s the other one?

Facetious

Thank you so much. Learning that today has genuinely delighted me.

@Residentnumber1 Perhaps you also had the same teacher as me, who never missed the opportunity to trot out this factoid?!

Me too. What a fun fact.

It’s about 10 units of alcohol consumed in a day.

Isnt the expression “when the sun is over the yard arm”? Which is 11am in nautical circles.

That’s one of my favourites

Looks like Christmas Day booze is the new Mumsnet chicken.

Maybe.

But also it’s probably also impacted by how much you normally drink.

I rarely drink these days. I’m a carer - DM has cerebral palsy and lives in an annexe attached to my house, and my two DC are both autistic, one of whom has high needs and will never live independently.

For this reason I can’t ever afford to be drunk. I need to be able to provide care 24/7, even if I’m over the driving limit. (By that I mean capable of providing care in the home even if I couldn’t drive anywhere).

Pre-children I’d absolutely enjoy having a good drink, and had many hangovers as a result 😂

Now, I have a glass of wine on a Saturday roughly every couple of months or so. I just don’t have the time/opportunity to sit and relax very often. And a single glass of wine affects me (to my eternal shame).

If I drunk the equivalent of a bottle of wine with gin fizz, champagne, red wine, and port (all described by OP), I’d be off my face 😂😂😂

Younger me would be mortified by what a lightweight I am now 😂🤷‍♀️

I don’t see my lack of drinking capacity as virtuous or superior - which is normally what the MN chicken debate implies. I’m just not used to it any more, No one would be eating Christmas dinner if I were drinking all day because I’d be asleep under the kitchen table 😂😂😂

I've never drunk. Always felt I had to be the one to keep my wits about me and I was always the driver. It was the 60s and most friends became single parents and really struggled. I struggled but in a different way and got a home together and later fostered my "daughter".

In our house Christmas alcohol starts early with Buck's Fizz or some dilute alcohol like punch on present opening. Only on Christmas Day though. I'd have been offering gin fizz or/ and tea and coffee on arrival

@SecretSoul That's an interesting point actually. I don't drink anymore, perhaps that's why the Christmas Day amount offered by OP seemed a lot to me. I'm with you, I don't see my lack of drinking as particularly virtuous, but a lot of people do see it as some sort of moral failing if you like a drink.

As an aside, that sounds A LOT of stuff you've got going on. I hope you get some time to pour into your own cup this year. :)

Sounds nice if this is your style, personally my husband and I plus our family would have started with mimosa and bellinis and canapes for adults and teas would be offered move to wine and champagne at dinner (at least 4 courses) dessert wines and pud and ports would be with cheeses followed by more cocktails but the day is very free flowing alcohol and food and we always offer loads of variety of drinks to cater to everyone but if your not drinkers I wouldn't expect you to do the same. I am an avid cocktail drinker so every social event I take the Ingredients for my cocktails and happily make and drink them all night . From what you have written I would describe it as abstemious, but that's because I come from a house that does everything to the extreme. It sounds like a formal day and very chilled out some people have a bit of a party style Christmas and it sounds like the young lady that made these comments comes from that style home. Don't worry about it, everyone does Christmas differently and if your hosting it's your style. If she's not a fan she can go elsewhere next year.

My word that sounds like a lovely family Christmas that you obviously put lots of work into. I would’ve been delighted at what sound like a beautiful relaxed happy time. Personally, I’d ignore her. It might not her “expectation” but if you and those you really care about were happy then so what!!
ps where do you live? I’m coming to your Xmas this year as it sounds delightful!! (Joking!!) x

Sounds fine to me! Quite prescribed in what people were allowed to drink but maybe everyone likes the same things.
We start with a glass of bubbly of some
sort once everyone has arrived at around 12:30 then people drink what they want when they want it. There was wine at
dinner but equally my husband doesn’t drink wine so people had beers of various sorts. Nobody was steaming by bed time!

Also the lesser known arsenious and caesious.

I haven’t read every comment. But I agree the problem here is the brother really should not have passed on that comment! She needs to be able to be honest with him about how she’s enjoyed something without him passing the comments on.

My honest opinion is that your Christmas sounds very structured and stilted. The specific times that things are happening, the matching this drink to this activity in a specific progression. That’s not how my family does things so for me that would feel weird (others would love it - it’s clearly what you want, it’s not wrong it’s just not me).

If you’re used to an informal structure to your gathering - with drinks and food out all day, and lots of people doing different things in small groups, and music playing and lots of noise. And yes people drinking whatever they want whenever they want - your gathering will feel very very different. And yes may feel boring.

If you’re expecting to be able to have a few drinks, even get tipsy (some people enjoy that) and you’re handed your drinks to a schedule and can’t just grab a drink when you want some I can easily see the comment. Yes it was a nice day - but no it wasn’t the Christmas party I was wanting.

Frankly, this relationship isn’t likely to go anywhere if he won’t go to events at her family’s and she loves them! But that’s got nothing to do with you.

This thread

Your Christmas sounds absolutely wonderful. When I lived in Australia, my ex husband's friends and family started on the beers literally as soon as they got up - quite traditional in some households! I used to be a big drinker but even that was too much for me! Everyone has their own take, stuck to yours, and encourage the complainer to host Christmas next year! 😅

I have learned a new word today, lol, not heard anyone say "abstemious" before. You always live and learn I suppose...

I think your day sounded lovely and I would have enjoyed it very much, at the age I am now. Perhaps when I was younger, maybe not so much. I drink wine/fizz nowadays, but never used to. On Xmas day, we usually start of with prosecco and never teas and coffees. That's for the other 364 days (IMO), lol. Each to their own I suppose.

Every experience in life is about perspectives and you never fully considered the perspective of all your guests. Very much in the same way you have experienced Christmas's with your elderly grandparents. From your Brother's new girlfriend's perspective, she may have felt a similar way to how you felt with your grandparents. He family probably drink to excess and get smashed in, waking up with horrednous hangovers. So, it's just down to age, and the past experiences of your Brother's Girlfriend. In another reality she could have been a tee-totaller and thought your were all raving alchoholics! Somethimes you can't win, but we should all respect one another's persepctives.

Yes, she or your Brother could have brought a bottle of vodka. In fact, I feel it is rude of a guest not to bring something to add to a party. I always do.

From a hosting point of view, I do think it was a poor show on your part not to ask a guest what they would like to drink. I know people who are allergic to the sulfites in wine, so they never drink it. If I was in your exact shoes, I would have asked all guests before the day what they like to drink and I would have accommodated. Many people I know simply do not drink wine or fizz. Some like spirits, others beer, or even ale. This Christmas, I was drinking Wine, my FIL was drinking Ale, MIL Vodka/mixer, DP Cider. We had a choice of wines for the meal, but everyone stuck to their preferred tipple at other times.

I too would take it to heart if a guest made such a comment about my hosting, however, I do try hard to ensure all guests are catered for. In your own words you said "it never occurred to me" and "I probably should have asked what she liked to drink...", so you have hit the nail on head and resolved your own question. In future, this scenario will occur to you and like us all, you live and learn.

Again, I thought your Christmas sounded lovely, wholesome and you tried hard. You simply didn't give much consideration to your Brother's Girlfriend's preferences. I like it when people are candid as you then know where you stand and how to do things differently in the future, should you wish to. Surely it's best to know this for future reference rather than you continually not thinking of your Brother's Girlfirend's preferences and history repeating.

I would dare say that many family issues/dislikes/rifts/whatever often stem from a lack of honesty and people not wanting to offend others. If we were more candid, more often, many more issues would be resolved.

Now the bitch can have a fucking vodka EVERYTIME she comes round! (Joke!)