Was my Christmas Day "abstemious"?

[romanfriendsandcountrywomen]

I'm a little bit nonplussed because my brother's new girlfriend apparently found Christmas Day at our house "nice but more abstemious than she's used to". However, I'm also now wondering if I was perhaps a bit boring....

Present on Xmas day : DH, me, DD (19), DS (15), my parents (late 70s), DB (43), DB newish girlfriend (30 something) my niece (DB's daughter, 16.)

People arrived at 11am. It's morning so I offered teas and proper coffees etc while we opened presents. At 12.00 I opened 2 bottles of M&S sloe gin fizz (admittedly only 4% alcohol but lovely and nicer than Buck's Fizz imo) and everyone had a glass while finishing opening the presents.

About 1.00 I we had champagne and nibbles- probably about 1.5 bottles of fizz and lots of nibbly things )

Full Xmas dinner at 3.00. (Turkey, pigs in blankets, 2 stuffings, roast potato, roast carrots and parsnips, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshires, Christmas pudding and chocolate log.) Opened 2 bottles of red wine.

After dinner we played games and finished off the red wine and champagne. I made the traditional Christmas snowball for the teenagers. Lots of adults had one as well despite laughing at them! (Advocat, lemonade, line juice, cocktail cherry perched artistically on top!)

About 9.00 we watched a film and had cheese. I offered to open more wine and we also offered port or baileys but people were full so most just had a cup of tea.

People went to bed or got an uber about midnight.

I thought it had been a lovely day so the abstemious comment had thrown me a bit. Girlfriend is from a bigger family with lots of siblings who all bring partners and apparently it's a more "adult" affair. She was surprised there were no spirits or cocktails as apparently she doesn't really drink wine and drinks vodka cranberry/ vodka coke. We don't drink spirits so it never occurred to me and I did wonder why she couldn't have brought her own but I haven't said anything.

So there were 7 adults and 2 teens and we had 4 bottles of wine/ fizz, a couple of bottles of low alcohol fizz and snowballs, port and baileys offered. Over 12 hours apparently this isn't a lot.

Be honest. Was my Xmas day a bit boring? I probably should have asked what she liked to drink...

But young people don't drink spirits with lunch, surely? If you're drinking with a meal it's usually wine, isn't it?

We don't drink at all in my family Christmas, but I suppose we do have chocolates at any time of the day starting from morning.

@Gwenhwyfar

I don't drink at all any more (medication) but when I did I'd happily drink beer with any meal (any my fellow members of the campaign for real ale would be the same).

Will also drink a gin and lemonade or vodka and grapefruit anytime.

Very happy now the zero alcohol gins are out!

why 'surely?' just because it's not something you do. Which, give you don't drink at all 'surely' you'd realise you are unlikely to be a knowledgeable authority on this subject?

Use some logic. If food-serving pubs and restaurants sell spirits then it's probably because, yes, people commonly drink them with their food. Why else would they have them, for decoration?

What on earth is wrong with a vodka and coke/gin and tonic with a meal, ffs? A single serving is almost definitely less alcoholic than a glass of wine.

I don't think it was 'poor show' not to ask drinking preferences - it's a huge expense and effort just doing the food. If people have a particular drink preference they need to bring it themselves.

"Which, give you don't drink at all 'surely' you'd realise you are unlikely to be a knowledgeable authority on this subject?"

Um, when did I say I don't drink at all. I like a drink actually, including spirits, but the spirits come later, it's wine that goes with food.
I only said that we don't drink en famille on Christmas Day. We all drink outside the house!

"What on earth is wrong with a vodka and coke/gin and tonic with a meal, ffs? A single serving is almost definitely less alcoholic than a glass of wine."

Gin and tonic is an aperitif.

"it's a huge expense and effort just doing the food. If people have a particular drink preference they need to bring it themselves."

Yes, and you would never be able to provide any drink a person might want at any given moment. If I have a party I provide the basics, some water, wine, beer and a limited selection of juices/pop. If someone's favourite drink is something else, they bring their own!
Think of how many cocktails there are in the world. You could never have them all in!

Gin and tonic is an aperitif.

You do understand the difference between "your personal opinion" and "undisputed fact"?

Gin & tonic (and any other spirit and mixer) are drinks, that can be drunk whenever, including with a meal, and on Christmas Day.

Sounds like a good family Christmas.
Great pity that some people haven't enjoyed themselves unless they got totally bladdered.
Her problem, 100% not yours😘

I wish I'd had an invitation and that was the menu! Perfect. I think the lady comes across as very rude. Has she ever had to plan, shop, cook and make everything look pretty? She should have kept her thoughts to herself and if invited next year, take a box of preferred drinks. Don't be upset, you sound like the perfect host ; )

I don’t know if this will help you. I’m from a huge family on both parents sides and my hubby has a much smaller, more middle class family as the one you’ve described. They are fairly quietly spoken. They all have extremely good education (Masters or PhD) and very good jobs or retired. Textbook uni, marriage, mortgage, kids. His Christmas is much like the one you’ve described. I love it, it’s a chilled day. I’m 47 but I’d have loved it at any age tbh. Alcohol, nibbles, food, presents, what’s not to love?

Contrast this with a huge family gathering, tons of food and people, loud voices. Matriarchal family where food is important. A range of occupations and disabilities. Elderly alongside growing numbers of babies, growing cousins, mixed heritage so all looking different: pale to very dark skinned. Tensions are always simmering between at least a couple, if not a good few. All bringing bits and pieces, alcohol, spirits. Older kids bringing their own small bottles of various vodka based drinks. This type of gathering is different entirely. I love this type of gathering too. However, the tensions may make for a few Eastenders moments if some simmer past boiling point and that’s no fun if it’s you.

Both have their pros and cons, and either can be more enjoyable depending on what mood you are in. Your Christmas sounds beautiful and you don’t need to change anything. It was a culture shock when I went to my first Christmas at my hubby’s family but it is still lovely. We bring pudding part of the meal and we always get told off for bringing too much, but that is how I was brought up - tons of food and ppl anxiety if there’s not enough. Your brother’s girlfriend is likely just saying how different she found it - but the most important thing is she said it was nice. She liked it. She now knows what to expect and if she wants vodka she can bring it, but that isn’t a big deal. She liked it. So she’ll like it when she comes again, right?

Well, yes, you can drink it for breakfast if you want to, but there are traditions and habits about when drinks are usually taken and it's not usual to offer cocktails as part of a meal.

again, this is YOUR OPINION. It is not definite fact just because you say it.
unless you have done a vox pop of the entire world you can't actually declare with any authority what drink everyone "usually" has "as part of a meal." Again, the fact that restaurants offer spirits does tend to indicate that people drink them, with their meals.
Also most people wouldn't consider vodka and coke to be a cocktail.

Sounds great to me. She just has a different experience of Christmas, which is a given as she comes from a different family. I don't think she expects yours to be the same and she likely just needs a bit of adjusting time. There is nothing wrong with your day. You certainly made more effort than I've seen others make.

If she came to mine she'd be shocked as it tends to be alcohol free 😅. But I wouldn't change it for that reason. And if I went to hers I wouldn't expect her to change hers. I'd just be grateful for the experience and I don't think me saying it's different than I'm used to would be meant as a criticism. x

"Again, the fact that restaurants offer spirits does tend to indicate that people drink them, with their meals."

They're for before or after the meal usually.

Nonsense. They're for people who want to drink them.

I was part of a large group out for Christmas dinner and nearly everyone there had a cocktail or a spirit based drink with their dinner. Couple had wine but that was the minority

I also have cocktails or a vodka when I am out at a restaurant. Funnily enough I am not a raging alcoholic as some on this thread would say. I just like those type of drinks and don’t like wine 🤷‍♀️

for the third time, are you actually basing this on any evidence at all, other than 'it's what I think'

If anecdata is now evidence, my experience is often when people go out it's far more likely that they a)only have one drink (either because they're driving or because drinks are expensive) - and that one drink is as likely to be a spirit as anything else
or b) they stick with the same drink all night.

I would find it unusual for someone to have a gin and tonic as an aperitif, then switch to wine to accompany their meal, then go on to coke and rum or whatever.

Although unlike you I am able to accept that I am not the ultimate arbitrator of the universe and others are allowed to do things differently to me, and therefore some people might very well mix their drinks in this way, I would find someone mixing multiple different drinks like that over the course of a comparatively short meal far more unusual (and, dare I say more concerning in terms of an apparent unhealthy relationship with alcohol) than someone who ordered one vodka and coke with their pie.

But, again, I would never be so arrogant as to declare "surely this never happens."

I'm surprised to learn that people routinely drink spirits and mixers with meals. I have only ever known a G&T as an aperitif and then wine with food. And occasionally beer with food e.g., bbq or Indian. I don't think I'd enjoy a vodka and coke with my dinner (but am prepared to believe others do).

Yes, that is a bit abstemious, I think. Personally, I’d’ve upped the wine allocation by quite a bit.

Though, in accepted MN terms, your Christmas comes over as an irresponsible alcohol-fuelled bacchanal of mad drunken indulgence that’s bloody typical of the hedonistically self-destructive world we live in today I blame the internet will no one think of the children?

Actually, I think your brother ballsed-up. Not you.

Did I say it never happens? If I did, I meant 'not usually' probably. I can't check all my posts now.

Of course people can drink whatever they want. However, wine goes with a meal more than cocktails/spirits imo. As evidence, I would ask you which spirits/cocktails go with which food? I don't think there is a tradition for that like there is for wine.

I wasn't particularly talking about short meals or people who don't drink because they're driving, which wouldn't really be relevant for the discussion anyway.

Also, while I get your point about mixing drinks at a party, it is quite normal to have an aperitif that is not the same as the wine you will eat with your meal (and possibly a digestif afterwards) and that does not indicate a problematic relationship with alcohol!

I wouldn't say it was 'abstemious' or boring. It sounds like you had a really nice day. My family would have got through more champagne and more wine with the meal if there were seven people present, certainly. But that's just us - and in my family the teenagers would have been having wine as well as the adults. But if I'd been at your house on Christmas Day I'd still have had a really nice time and I don't think I'd have thought twice about the range of drinks on offer. You did offer drinks throughout the day which I'd happily have drunk. And the food sounds great.

In terms of serving spirits etc - I think it's the norm for some people to have a well-stocked drinks cabinet at all times, whereas some people will only ever buy in alcohol for specific purposes. If someone came to my house unannounced, I would always, always be able to offer them a range of alcoholic drinks. I always have gin, vodka, whisky, rum, brandy, port, vermouth, Aperol and/or Campari and a few liqueur type drinks in stock and I pretty much always have at the very least tonic and soda water in the cupboard and ice in the freezer. We always have wine in the cupboard and we always have a few beers in. It's just how I roll. But I do completely understand that not everybody does that and I definitely wouldn't find it weird or inhospitable if you didn't!

If I was going to someone else's house for Christmas I would always ask them if they wanted me to bring any booze and/or food, and if I was someone who stuck to certain drinks I would probably say something like 'I usually drink G&T [or whatever] as I'm not much of a wine person, so I'll bring some with me'.

Honestly, your Christmas sounds normal and fine.

FWIW there were four of us for Christmas this year - just me, DP, my mum and my brother. We had tea and then buck's fizz in the morning, a couple of glasses each. Then we went to visit my dad in his care home. Then we got back around 12ish and had champagne / spritzes / G&T depending on what people fancied while we opened presents, and then white wine while we had salmon pate and melba toast. Then we had red wine with dinner (which we had at about 3.30ish I think) a dessert wine with pudding, coffee/tea afterwards. Then in the evening me, my mum and brother had mostly spirit-based cocktails and DP stuck to red wine. Last thing we drank, late at night while we played a game and had some cheese and Christmas cake, was port / Bailey's / whisky / brandy I think. However - all of us would have been equally happy with what was on offer at your house!