Dp restricting the heating - red flag

[whatamidoingheree]

Just that. He has been complaining i put it up too high and joked he would put a restriction on it. I laughed and said try it. But he did.

I have since made him take it off.

Is that not a major red flag though?!

No that’s not a red flag because he took off as soon as you told him to and a heating restriction is a recommended tool to budget your heating bill.

Sounds like a miscommunication where he took your “try it” half threatening mocking for lighthearted humourous agreement to try setting a restriction on the heat.

Do you often talk to your DH like that?

Can’t tell if you are joking or not

Assuming you have central heating.
Many of us in electric only areas don't have CH - we have storage heaters, which are controlled individually. They're new and high efficiency but electric heating is expensive even on E7.

I'd rather have the heating on, if affordable of course, than let someone go cold.

Anyway, far too few details to make a judgement, being tight is what came into my head. It is a trait I absolutely dislike.

It’s about 180 SqM, so probably around twice as big as many homes. And we have solar panels for the electric, but I doubt there’s much sun getting through at the moment!

My MIL is like this. She's just tight with money when there is no need to be.

Maybe you could elaborate on why you feel it’s a red flag? Maybe there’s more to this than came across in the post.

otherwise, I think it’s standard that every household has one person who keeps the heating no higher than 18/19 and would wear vest/thermals/oodie etc before considering upping it, and another who sets it to 25 and sits in their pants 🤷🏼‍♀️

Key phrase 'if affordable' - in a COL crisis heating is a real struggle for many.

I definitely appreciate my little house when I see what other people pay out every month!

It is very mild and warm to the point I turned the timed hearing off in my part of the UK.

It is not red flag territory. He is a DP not a DH. Do you own the property together or is it his? There is all sorts of information missing before going into whether it's a red flag but in isolation I would say no

I think there needs to be a bit of a compromise..
But it depends how high you put it up!
If we are talking anything under 20 then he's being a twat..
My DH is a bit obsessed with the heating and on occasion has turned it off on his phone app when he's not even been in the house and I have!! That was a red flag and I gave him Hell about it and he's never done it since.
But he does grind my gears complaining about it when it's snowing outside and I've just put the heating on 19.. I do not think it's unreasonable to have the heating on inside if the temp drops below 10 outside. Certainly if it's below freezing outside.

But for heating over 20 indoors I do think it's something that needs a discussion as some people can't cope with it being too hot.
Is there a compromise where you could have the radiators off in some rooms that he could go and be in if he finds it too hot where you are? Or all heating off but an electric plug in heater for you to have next to you?

Controlling the temperature of the house can be a feature of abusive behaviour, but not in the way that you describe OP, what you are describing is a disagreement over temperature and you both baiting each other about what the temperature should be. So from what you describe, not a red flag at all, no more than your own insistence on the right temperature would be.

But someone will be along in a minute to tell you he’s gaslighting you.

Sorry, who is the main or only breadwinner? In my family it is me and yes, I put restrictions on everything. Every month bills land on my desk, and I am self-employed and I get furious when my dfamily decide to keep the heating on in May, or put it on high now.

Now that sounds controlling.

Huge red flag. DH and I regularly have disagreements about the hearing settings - never a proper argument. He wouldn’t dare put a restriction on it, he’ll complain he’s too hot and turn it down. Maybe open the kitchen window, no one single person should have full control of the thermostat.

Then why is OPs situation a huge red flag? He turned it one way and she ‘made’ him switch it back. So if anyone is currently in control it’s her.

My DH does pay for the heating however I am on maternity leave so in the house when he is out a lot.
I point out to him that he gets to prioritise shit like buying random books when he feels like it, his specific brand of iced coffee he likes etc etc things that are for him but might seem a waste of money to me.. he gets to do because he's the main earner. But I'm supposed to sit in a freezing house because it doesn't effect him so he doesn't want to spend money on it??
No.
We've had this row anyway and he saw my view and backed down.

It's different if both of you are in the house and its about him being too hot..
But when it's about money.. unless you really cannot afford it.. he needs to be told that it's not just up to him what is important to prioritise spending on and that's something you decide together. There may be things that are important to you or him that aren't important to the other.. but in a marriage you need to take each other's needs and wants into account.

You like it hot he doesn’t no one is right one is wrong

heating is incredibly expensive

him putting a restriction do it doesn’t go over a certain temp is no different than you turning it on

unless there’s an enormous backstory not being able to have your own way isn’t red flag territory

No it is not a red flag!

DP also wants'/needs the heating much higher than I do as he feels the cold and I don't. Even putting on extra layers doesn't help him much.

Would this still apply if the op was trying to heat it to 25 and the husband was trying to keep it at 20? We don't know the temperatures and whether the husband is pleading with the op to put a jumper on but she is refusing.

I dunno - how high is it? If you are able to grow coconuts and pineapples in your spare room then he might have a point.

Glad to see I'm not the only one who prefers warmer temperatures. I'm shocked how it is a consensus that anything over 23 is boiling. It's still bloody cold for indoors in my book!

I think in every household there’s a turn-the-heat-down or turn-lights-off person.

Maybe just energy/CoL conscious rather than red flag, as such.

Also, what’s the ‘restriction’ he’s applied? A cage with a lock around the thermostat? Or has he just used a perfectly accessible setting to lower the max temp which you didn’t know how to adjust? Too many people in the replies are acting as if he’s set a secret password on the heating and lowered it to 13 degrees out of spite.

Not from the limited information the OP has provided.