Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

Sorry but it's your responsibility to deal with your issues. He's allowed to fib to cover up a mistake, there is an allowance of lies between partners, friends, parents and children and to cover up forgetting your card, he should be allowed to fib before he rushes out to get you a card.

Ah a rational and calm response to being critiqued by the posters you wanted sympathy from. This tells me everything.

So this isn't a massive issue. As it's something that triggers you, you should be seeking help on how to cope better in these situations. Not expecting everyone to bend to your will . This is your issue to address not his.

But you did make it a big deal. You said ‘I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up’.

He’s usually on the ball with greeting cards so I would have cut him slack instead of asking him repeatedly.

Gosh. It's wild how many posters think people have the right to lie to their partners. That sense of entitlement does not override a partner's right to have boundaries. It's the same attitude people who cheat have. My right to do something I want is more important than my partner's boundaries.

If you're going to tell us you've never told a white lie to your partner/kids/friends/family to spare their feelings, or for any other reason, that in itself would be a lie.

You think you have the right to lie to people who don't want you to lie to them?

Telling white lies is part of human nature as the vast majority of people on this thread have also said.

Do you think you have the right to marry someone and dictate what they can and can't do because of your past relationships?

Do you think the OP had the right to check her husband's emails?

But most of all do you think that if you lived with someone with 'severe and complex mental health issues', under the care of a psychiatrist you would never ever tell them a white lie to keep them calm, especially when they're pregnant and there's a child already in the house?

Yes, I have the right to say I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who will casually lie to me. I have the right to want honesty in a partner. If my partner doesn't agree with that then he can walk away. What he doesn't get to do is ignore my boundaries because he thinks what he wants is more important.

When I ask for the truth, it's because I want the truth. I only ask questions I want an honest answer to. None of that "What do you think of my hair/coat/shoes?" crap. I don't care what people think about those things. Thankfully the people most important to me are honest people (or extremely good liars) because I have never doubted their answers and they know they will get nothing but honesty from me if they ask. Don't ask questions you don't want honest answers to and don't give your opinion without being asked. I don't know why that is so hard for people to understand or do.

I'd rather the people closest to me know they can trust me rather than wonder if I'm lying to them. I get that (it seems) most people don't value honesty in the same way. And that's fine. But you're wrong to act like you are morally superior just because you are in the majority. Not everyone lies so casually to their loved ones.

Not everyone lies so casually to their loved ones.

Not everyone lives with a pregnant woman who has severe and complex mental health issues.

But you carry on ignoring that if it makes you feel superior.

Don't use someone's mental health as an excuse to betray them. There was simply no need for it. He could easily have gone out and bought a card instead of creating some ridiculous and pointless lie. Do you really think her upset about getting a Tesco card instead of a Funkypigeon card would be worse than what lying to her has caused? Where is his integrity?

Don't deny how painfully difficult it is to live with a severely mentally ill pregnant woman 🤷‍♂️

There's simply no need for it just because you want to appear 'right'.

I recently lied to my wife. She rang asking if I could suggest a good time for her to take the remaining couple of days of leave she had.

i told her a couple of dates, explaining that I’d also took them, just cos they were the only dates free, and if she took them too we could get the decorating we had planned done.

the truth was I’d booked them cos I’d bought a weekend away for us as part of her Xmas gifts and I wanted it to be a surprised.

OP, would this have impacted you if it were your husband? I don’t ask to judge, but to suggest that if it doesn’t, or doesn’t so much because you understand the need for me to both ensure she had time off for the trip while also ensuring she’d have a surprise she’d love for Xmas, then you may have a starting point for identifying the times that a loving and trustworthy partner may not be 100% honest.

my wife did similar last year, telling me she couldn’t afford something she knew I’d love, but then buying it for me.

i guess what I mean is what matters is the intention behind the lie, and while you may be a long way off being able to emotionally process that difference, starting to rationalise it logically as an acceptable concept, is the a stepping stone to progress.

F' me, all this over a card.

"I should’ve mentioned I’m currently being assessed for borderline personality disorder. I know I react very very badly to trivial things". My sister as BPD and freaks out about the smallest things. She demonizes and idolizes people. Swings back and forth. When dealing with her you have to lie otherwise she will have a meltdown. After decades of putting up with her mood swings I stopped talking to her. OP, it should have been your husband posting here. He is the one I feel sorry for. Dealing with someone with BPD sucks the life out of you. I say kudos to you for seeking help though.

I think I would have lied in this scenario too. All this fuss over something so trivial. It sounds like a lot of unnecessary pressure that you put him under. Do you ever consider the effect of your "boundaries" on your DH, or just think about yourself?

@HollyKnight "Yes, I have the right to say I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who will casually lie to me."
Please don't encourage the OP to break up with her husband over this slip up on his part.
I think she's very vulnerable, and alot could go wrong for someone in her situation taking advice from people on the internet.
@Pitypartayfor1 if it's any encouragement, I was diagnosed with BPD by a psychiatrist in my early 20s and, in my mid 40s now, I no longer meet any of the diagnostic criteria.
A stable, loving partnership with my now husband has been a big part of my healing. I rekon hang in there with your bloke. I hope the birth goes well and you're well supported post-partum.

Excuse me? I did nothing of the sort. How about you have a word with all the people who are telling her that she deserves to be lied to because she is mentally ill. Because apparently mentally ill people aren't allowed to have boundaries nor be upset when those boundaries are trampled on and should in fact just be grateful that their husbands are even with them. Don't you think that is damaging and dangerous for a vulnerable person to hear hmm?

Sorry @HollyKnight I took from you saying "I have the right to say I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who will casually lie to me" to mean that you thought the same should be true for OP.
It would be horrible if anyone on this thread had told OP she deserved to be lied to because she is struggling with her mental health. But noone has said that. Most posters have said that everyone lies sometimes so it's not reasonable to demand no white lies ever even if you have mental health issues triggered by dishonesty. One or two have asked if the reson OP's DH may have panicked and lied is because of her symptoms, which I think is trying to help understand what went wrong, not justify anything.
IMO it's not really about whether white lies are ok. It's about OP being able to trust that her husband is not her ex, and is not going to abuse her like her ex did. Trauma is hard and missing out on good things today because of what was done to us yesterday is no good. The best revenge is living an awesome life, and all that.

I can understand but I swear for the BPD sufferer it’s the worst feeling in the world. There’s something in your head telling you to stop it and calm down and wise up and then there’s a voice escalating everything, telling you this means you’re worthless and makes you have suicidal thoughts over what looks to the outside world like the most trivial of things, and makes you feel like you can’t get up and go about your day without a massive weight literally sitting on you all the time. Yes trying my best to get help, even went private to get seeing a psychiatrist because the mental health services here are substandard to say the least but that’s a rant for another day

Read the comment I was responding to.

Read all the comments. Plenty of people have said variations of "If you have BPD I don't blame him for lying to you". And indeed there was at least one poster who said she should be glad or thankful her husband is even with her. Very few people have actually tried to help her. They're just being vile because mental illness is involved. We don't even know that she does have BPD. She could be autistic for all anyone know. But that won't matter much because people are vile about autism too.

thank you for your input and reassurance. When I saw the psychiatrist initially she said if it hadve been a few years ago based on my history she would’ve said I had moderate to severe BPD however I’m more mild to moderate now and I largely put that down to stability with my husband that I never ever had before and she’s confident i will be able to overcome the symptoms.

Thanks for this. I’m hesitant to say about wedding vows being in sickness and in health but that’s exactly what my husband said to me last night. His dad died young and his mum nursed him to death and he said (his words not mine before I get flamed for comparing mental and physical illnesses) that this is no different to him because he knew about my BPD and thankfully it has improved a lot since we first got together

i agree @HollyKnight some people on here have been absolutely vile and have accused me of weaponising my mental health to be abusive and that I’m lucky my husband is with me (ps in future think twice before saying that to someone who already feels worthless). To anyone who has been vile, I sincerely hope the indiscriminate illness that is mental health never comes knocking on your door.

Sorry to be picky, but this is a pet hate of mine. Mental health isn't an illness. It's a good thing to have.

Mental health illnesses are illnesses.