Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

i have voted YABU. However you need to do more work around your attitude to all forms of lying. Everyone lies all the time. You speak to people all your life who lie, sometimes they are harmful big fat lies, but sometimes they are the little white lies that help us all to rub along together.

Have you never encountered a people pleaser? What your DH did wasn't ideal but seriously, why put him on the spot over a birthday card? this is not the hill to die on. What is needed is a step back to look at the bigger picture.

I grew up with a mother who has some kind of personality disorder. Out of nowhere, something very minor could set her off and I would be in the bad books for days. It was really horrible. I wouldn't fully understand what I had done wrong. It has clouded my relationship with her, and the wider world. It's like she didn't view me as an actual person with feelings. She wouldn't apologise and would get offended if i needed space. Always a pity party for her.

I appreciate your honesty but you still seem to be oblivious to what you're doing to him. He is another human being, with dignity and feelings just trying get by and live a normal life. You dont have a right to do that to him. How would you feel if he did that to you? Your username speaks volumes as to how you view the world.

It seems as though he has been through a lot with his father dying young. And you have been intimidating and abusive.

I'm not trying to shame you. I just want you to open your eyes. I really hope you recover from whatever is causing you to think/behave like this.

It is really difficult having a mental health illness. Hard to have live with it, hard to get the right help and hard to deal with the prejudice out there.

I don’t think being picky with wording helps. Your post just reflects badly on you IMO. By all means have a pet hate, I have my own about how people say it isn’t natural that children die before their parents when that has happened in nature since the beginning of time. I certainly don’t mention my silly pet peeve of mine when someone is grieving a child.

@Pitypartayfor1 Are you going to answer any of the posts asking if you tell your child about Father Christmas? Or are you just going to reply to posters that agree with you?

Yes, it is difficult having a mental illness. We all have some form of a mental illness...whether that be anxiety, depression etc. I have always tried to be kind to others, even when I felt very anxious and not use the pain inside of me to hurt others. What's going on with me has to do with me, and no one else.

What annoys me is that people make a choice to be abusive. Yes, the make the choice in their heads to lose the complete block and act in a destructive manner. They can choose to bite their tongue, they can choose to go for a walk to cool down, they can choose to calmly express their hurt/disappointment. But many don't. They make the choice to say and do the most hurtful things to their loved ones, and then act like a victim. That choice can't be blamed on a mental health illness. That's a cop out and a way to escape responsibility.

To this day I'm nervous around my mother. The venom and poison she has spewed, I don't wish it on my worst enemy.

yes I do Santa for my children, that would just be cruel not to

i know everyone has their own background and experience with mental health but it’s not as black and white as this. Even with all the help in the world it can and is still a struggle for some people. You can’t blend being abusive and having a mental illness.

Well it seemed to take a lifetime but here we finally are.

So you DO understand that white lies can be told for good reasons.

In your DH's case we don't know what the good reason was, but my money's on he just wanted to close the conversation down because he wasn't in the mood for the stress it might cause.

Sometimes, we have to consider ourselves too, just like you're considering your child.

You're lucky she answered your question I would have ignored your stupid question. Leave the op alone if you have nothing intelligent to add that could help the op.

Having hypocrisy pointed it can be helpful though, especially if that person hasn't realised it.

Replies on Mumsnet can't all be pink unicorns and candyfloss trees.

What has Santa got to do with trauma I hope you don't work in psychiatry. Everyone does Santa with their kids up to a certain age and they realise mum and dad is Santa. At one point my son believed God gave birth to him and I told him over and over again it was me who pushed him out. Children at a young age will believe in anything up until a certain age and they start to understand the world. Up until that age of understanding it's difficult to change their mind.

Thank you. According to other poster, apparently us with mental health disorders must be total demons. There’s a bit of a difference in indulging in a world while phenomenon for the sake of a child and the relationship between a husband and wife.

‘Doing Santa’ is telling a lie. A white lie, but a lie nonetheless. So, you are lying to them. Which is hypocritical in the face of your alleged black and white approach to complete honesty. Now you’re claiming that some lies - the ones you tell - are ‘different’ and somehow more acceptable. That’s the point that poster was making. They were very clear, and at no point called you a ‘demon’.

Also, your point that ‘you can’t blend mental illness and being abusive’ is starkly untrue. Your mental illness may be the reason for your abusive behaviour, but it doesn’t make it any less abusive. It doesn’t lessen its impact on the victim of said abuse.

You seem to want people to agree with you. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t have posted on AIBU. You asked if you were being unreasonable. Yes, you are. And you continue to be, with the majority of your responses.

I hope your job doesn't involve a degree of comprehension but there we go.

Everyone doesn't lie about Santa. MN has many threads/posts from parents who have never done the Santa thing because they feel it's lying.

The point which has clearly escaped you, is that some lies are told for a good reason, which is what the majority of posters on this thread have been trying to explain to the OP.

It's a pointless argument to have when Santa is pushed up in every child's face. The child will instantly believe in Santa because of all the hype. My son believed God gave birth to him I almost died pushing him out how dare him for thinking that but I couldn't change his mind.

No I’m not lucky at all - it was a valid question that other posters have also asked. You also don’t get to decide who comments on post so bad luck there….

The OP needs to accept that there are some white lies that are ‘ok’ e.g telling her child that Santa is real as it’s cruel to tell the truth? Maybe her oh applied the same logic to her birthday card? Wether that’s the right or wrong decision did it really need to blow up with op pushing and pushing until it kicks off, just to prove she’s right?

Its all a bit late now as op is married and has a child ( and one on the way) but op should have resolved these issue before committing to a relationship or have worked on a coping strategy to deal with these things. Because realistically, getting with someone and saying basically you can never, ever tell me a lie ( even a little white lie ) will mean huge pressure on the relationship.

If the op doesn’t try to work on this issue or get a coping strategy then I fear that what’s happened could become a regular occurrence and one day, it might blow up and the damage will be irreparable.

But according to you a lie is a lie and there has been absolutely no change in your rigid stance.

Now you finally concede that there can be subtle differences (which is what the majority have been telling you), it actually makes YOU sound more honest.

I think you’re conflating things. Not surprising given the childhood you describe but there is a difference between behaviour that can be controlled and behaviour that can’t. Mental illness can make you behave in ways totally outside of your control - especially if delusion, mania or paranoia are involved.

I had a challenging childhood too. A mother who had undiagnosed schizophrenia until I was 10 or thereabouts, and a father, who had been abused himself (his father was an alcoholic and likely had PTSD from war), and who felt he had broken the pattern of abuse because he never hit us but would do things that very clearly are considered emotional abuse, for example, refuse to talk to me for days at a time. Both my parents behaved in ways that traumatised me and there are lasting consequences for me from that. However they both equally did the very best they could for me and loved me to the best of their ability. When they knew better, they did better. My in-laws were very different. My MIL hit and punched my DH until he was old enough to be able to physically stop her. She absolutely chose to behave that way.

People can have mental illness and also be abusive.

That's your problem. Everyone lies. Everyone. You can't live an average human life without lying.

If you expect people to achieve impossible behaviour you will always be disappointed. This is your issue to work on

Lots of people don’t do Santa. My parents didn’t, lots of my friends don’t. If you search MN threads on the topic, you will find that this isn’t an uncommon approach. So, no, a child will not ‘instantly believe’ and it’s not a ‘pointless argument’.

OP has made the choice to lie to her kids about something because (to quote her) it would be cruel not to. So, she is able to recognise that sometimes people tell lies because they believe them to be necessary or required. This is inconsistent with her previously stated black and white belief that all lies are bad/unacceptable.

Lots of people don’t do Santa. My parents didn’t, lots of my friends don’t. If you search MN threads on the topic, you will find that this isn’t an uncommon approach.

Yes, nearly 14 years on Mumsnet have taught me lots of parents see it as 'telling lies', so they simply don't do it.

Like I said above if a child wants to believe they will regardless of what their parents say until they understand the world around them. I never told my son God gave birth to him but he believed it.

If you’re just going to repeat yourself, I will do the same.

Lots of people don’t do Santa. My parents didn’t, lots of my friends don’t. If you search MN threads on the topic, you will find that this isn’t an uncommon approach. So, no, a child will not ‘instantly believe’ and it’s not a ‘pointless argument’.

OP has made the choice to lie to her kids about something because (to quote her) it would be cruel not to. So, she is able to recognise that sometimes people tell lies because they believe them to be necessary or required. This is inconsistent with her previously stated black and white belief that all lies are bad/unacceptable.

Yup! A surprising (to me) number of people feel very strongly about it and are apparently against lying to their children about anything (my parents didn’t do Santa because they think it’s stupid, the lying element didn’t come into it at all). It’s actually rather interesting that the OP isn’t one of them.

My parents were mean when I was a child I believed up until a certain age. Waiting for Santa to drop one present I got nothing. My parents never endorsed Christmas because they were mean.