Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

I’m very sorry your parents were unkind, but that doesn’t really address anything I’ve said.

My mother was very abusive during her episodes. There was no accountability or apologies afterwards. Whenever I tried to distance myself after her verbal and psychological assaults, she would make known to me (or pretend) that she was feeling sick or suicide to rope me back in. Whenever I complied, the suicide idealisation was strangely gone. Clever way for her to control me. She was also selective in who she inflicted it upon. Definite bpd. Has improved in her old age but I am traumatised,and a part of me won't miss her when she is gone.

Do you feel remorse for what you do to others? Honest question. Or do you forget about what's done when everything appears to be back to normal?

What you have said doesn't address the ops mental health issues she's under a psychiatrist so it's serious. I think the posters who have stories to tell of growing up with a parent with serious MH issues is more valuable to the op.

I addressed the OP’s mental health issues in the comment to which you initially responded.

You’re certainly entitled to think that other comments are ‘more valuable’. I personally think that helping the OP realise that her conduct is unacceptable (which she didn’t prior to this thread) is extremely valuable. As previously stated, poor mental health may be the reason for abusive behaviour, but it doesn’t stop it being abuse or lessen its impact on its victim.

@ThatRareUmberJoker This comment is an illustration of my final sentence above. Regardless of the mental health issues of the abuser, the traumatic impact of abuse on the victim remains the same.

The difference between lying about Santa and the OP's husband lying to her is that his lie was not for her benefit, unlike the "magic" is for a child. He lied for his benefit.

Notoriously?

People just can't understand why it's so important to be honest. It's like honesty is a disposable attribute. For me, it's mega. I really get the spiral thing. I really get how it makes you react. And I get it about the daft husband who thinks they are helping by doing it when really it helps no one.
But for me, my birthday is often forgotten, 28th Dec, and I feel unwanted when my nearest and dearest forget. This leads to being pissed off even further by futile things. Just wondered if you are the same?

Bull. Lying to a child about fairy stories is not for their benefit.

I totally get how one little white lie can feel like a let down because you think if they can causally lie about one thing, then what else are they going to lie about .
Having said that it’s not really a lie , it’s a mistruth out of panic and like other posters have said it feels a bit disproportionate to respond the way you have . You’re setting yourself and him to fail because no one can adhere to these exacting standards at all times . He knows he’s been silly but that’s all it is really a bit of a silly mistake.

But he lied to protect her feelings. She'd have been offended/annoyed/disappointed if she'd known he didn't buy her a card (as indeed she was, when she found out). Whereas if they could blame Evri or whatever then she wouldn't have been offended. So it was (from his pov) for her benefit.

He didn't lie to protect her feelings. He lied to protect himself.

to protect himself from her (over)reaction. And to protect her from her (over)reaction

As someone with my own lifetime of MH problems, abuse in childhood and also from an ex, you sound exhausting. If you don’t change your ways, you will end up alone. Your behaviour is extremely unreasonable. Work on yourself. Stop projecting and punishing other people for things they had nothing to do with. It’s toxic.

You have deeper issues than this white lie

sort yourself out it’s odd and controlling

This!

You have to decide what’s important to you. The love and care of your husband and family or living in this fantasy world where you hunt down and humiliate everyone who doesn’t tell you the seering, white truth, whatever that is. Your husband is allowed to be human. You are behaving like the stasi. I don’t think you could live by your own rules. No one can. You need to think hard about the future you want to inhabit.

OP said repeatedly she didn't care about the card. It was the lying.

She didn't care about the card. She said it herself repeatedly. She wouldn't have cared or even reacted if he said he forgot. She reacted only because he lied.

One of the more recent sensible posts 👏👏

which woulda been avoided-entirely-with -truth..its maybe you thing. no kept it secret but.

@Pitypartayfor1 I would have an issue with the lying for similar reasons but equally I would have serious issues with his attitude towards you and name calling at you. Quite frankly that does not sound like a supportive husband's response and for me those two things combined (lying and the aggressive response after being found out) would have me seriously considering my position in the relationship.

Ignore those who are telling you tripe like you are weaponizing your mental health etc. People who haven't been in situations where reality is denied you, and you are gaslit so severely that it does really leave immense trauma do not understand.

YANBU

I don't mean to be rude, and I hate it when people on here feign misunderstanding due to spelling/grammar errors or typos, but it's genuinely quite hard to understand what you're saying in various of your posts (including the above). Are you having issues with autocomplete, maybe?

no- i have no idea what that even is. _ I am aware of my difficulty expressing in standard fashion.done aplogoising for it.(wish i was actually as gallus as that.)
i dont mean to be rude either ...
cant promise clarification in attempt to reword- trying tho...
Op has been absolutely transparent with dh re -anti lie-even white- being a catalyst for trigger ptsd/upset
She is aware of cause/effect and yet HE made a choice.
its not about the card.
if its the thought that counts,why would he do that. theres awful lot of unsympathetic/near victim blaming on here. it annoys me.

That's clearer, thank you.