Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

You sound like extremely hard work OP. If my partner behaved like that - putting me under the microscope for an inquisition over a birthday card - I’d think he was being a total asshole. Not everything can be about your father having been a liar - if it is, you should seek counselling to help process it in a safe space. Don’t just think about how people affect you - you also have to be self aware enough to monitor how you affect others. You should be apologising to your DH.

Why do people comment without reading. I am getting help I’m with a psychiatrist ffs

Why are you commenting without answering? Have you apologised to your DP?

If you read my replies you’ll see I’ve already answered that too

Im really sorry your struggling. I hope you are able to access the help you need

Sorry op but I don't find your replies reassuring.

The description of your apology didn't seem very sincere, and didn't seem to take fully responsibility for humiliating and shaming him.

You are lucky to have him. I couldn't put up with that abuse ever again. Too hurtful and damaging.

I'm unfollowing this thread

Op I was the first to respond and have read your replies. Clearly you know you have an issue and that it's not really your husband who is wrong. Hopefully, you will get over this and see it as a positive, that people who love and care about us tell little lies to make life smoother for you.

You need to work on accepting little lies like "no I've not got you a birthday present" when he has, but not accepting "no I was out with my mates, not that woman "

Sounds like it is time to change psychiatrist/therapist. Mine would help me to gently u DeR stand that the issue was with me and not the other person. Your past is your issue not his. You have told him you hate lies but he is your husband. He knows it would cause fights or hurt you to tell you some things. He’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. What if you look fat in a dress? Or he doesn’t like your new haircut? Why should he have to say his inside thoughts all the time?

work on this issue in therapy. And don’t ever go to bed on a sour note. Happy birthday for tomorrow.

He called you mental and said anything he does has fuck all to do with you. I would find that incredibly hard to absorb. How are you dealing with that? I’m glad he under stands that mh issues are like a physical illness, but he sounds very lacking in sympathy yet claims he knew you had bpd when he married you and is sympathetic. Really? I genuinely don’t mean to be horrible, but I would not get over my Dh telling me I’m mental, even if during a row with heightened emotions. Sorry, I don’t mean to make you feel bad!

I don't think it's fair to ask your partner to be responsible for your mental health you need to heal yourself. Maybe now isn't the time for a relationship.

"I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me."
So you are taking it out on him. You are fragile and over-reacting. Be careful you will damage your relationship with him, and it will not be repairable.

Sounds like an exhausting way to live for both of you. I genuinely don’t think he meant any harm by it and he can’t take it back now. What matters is how long you’re going to punish him for and how. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it sounds like that’s what is happening. Not every single lie snowballs into your worst case scenario. I hope with your assessments and potential diagnoses and appropriate therapies you will be able to move past things like this for your own peace and happiness.

im sorry but you are being totally ridiculous. I also hate lies, have also been gaslit in past relationships etc, but this isn’t your past relationship, and lying about a birthday card isn’t gas lighting. In fact, he probably only lied about it because it seems your reactions are so unreasonable that you would have freaked if he had forgotten something!!!

give the poor bloke a break- I’d be telling him to run a mile!

What the? He yelled and screamed at her, and basically threw flowers at her while abusing her, ON HER BIRTHDAY! He should be the one apologising. She has nothing to apologise for. Are you normally such a victim-blamer?

Maybe now isn't the time for a relationship.

Too late for that now, @jannier . They are married, and have children together.

What do you suggest they do, divorce?

He admitted he knew she wouldn't have cared about the card or got upset about it, @ChirpyMintBeaker , so she wouldn't have freaked out - there was no point in his lie, it doesn't make sense. He lied because he's a compulsive liar, that's all. The truth would have caused far less damage, and he admitted he knew that.

He lied to spare your feelings and also because he fears you.
That is your biggest hurdle.

You are so reactive and demanding that he feared failing in front of you.. People who can not forgive ordinary human frailties are frightening and also not nice people with whom to share small vulnerabilities.

I think this is why your realationship is not compatible.

How is she hard work? She just doesn't want to be lied to.

There’s plenty of things in society that could be classed as a lie. Father Christmas, the tooth fairy. You can dress things up but telling a child they are real is essentially a lie well intended or not. So the guy lied about a card. Plenty of us would think crap! I forgot, say yeah I ordered one and then go get one. I wouldn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition from my DH telling me to go and look at my emails and making it something it isn’t. OP has had trauma and gives lying triggering but it seems ok for her to expect her DH to alter his behaviour to ensure it doesn’t trigger her with no flex to meet him in the middle. All this over a card. OP has, from the posts I’ve read avoided answering whether she ever lies, as many have said white lies are told a lot. Intrnt is key.

Ok, nevemind Father Christmas as it’s a kids thing but white lies amongst adults are actually mostly seen as a positive thing to spare other people’s feelings. Try to think of it that way, OP. If your colleague made a mistake at work and was panicking saying “Oh no, I’ve fucked up, I’m going to be in so much trouble” Do you say “Yes, you are” or do you say “It’s going to be ok…”. If your 20 stone friend is moaning about their weight saying “Ugh I look sooo fat” do you say “Yes, you are fat”? If someone’s hair looks a mess, or they have a big spot or their outfit is ugly? OP, you should watch the movie The Invention of Lying, where Ricky Gervais realises he’s the only person in the world who is capable of telling lies- everyone else is totally blunt all the time (and no one is offended due to being used to it) but when it comes to visiting his Mum on her death bed in hospital, when she says she’s scared of dying all the non-liars are blunt and say “nothing to be scared of, when you die that’s it, there’s nothing else after and your body will be buried” but Ricky’s character who can lie tells her there’s an afterlife and she’ll see her dead husband again etc and she’s comforted by that and passes with more ease. I know it’s a lighthearted film, but I am an atheist who doesn’t believe in any afterlife but in that moment in that film I really understood why people invest in the idea of it and if my loved one was distressed about dying at the end of their life, I’d be pulling the white lies out about them getting eternal life with God. The point I’m trying to make is that white lies can actually be seen as an act of love, an act of community. Try to see it that way and understand. I know your DH hasn’t reacted in the best way but maybe he has cracked after feeling constantly under pressure to be perfect and always second guessing himself. You must realise that checking the funkypigeon online order confirmation is going too far. Do you believe this is the first time he’s ever lied to you?

Exactly this, been there! Spot on

This!! Omg we are totally missing the point sometimes as humans. We’re flawed, that’s how it works. If you can’t forgive that or discuss it rationally without forensic investigation into everything that puts the other person on permanent eggshells then something has gone VERY wrong.

Thank you for reminding me of that film though, I’ll rewatch it and treat is a pre cursor to Afterlife with a new lens

YANBU I can't stand lying. DP do not lie to eachother, even about tiny things. We were both in abusive gaslighting relationships previously and it does change how it affects you.

Or maybe OP needs to work on her issues and ultimately relax a bit rather than expecting everyone else to adjust their behaviour around her?

Yup. If your partner fears your reaction to things you are not in a good place.