To think my sister wouldn’t steal from my mum?

[MuggyMcMuffin]

My mum called me this evening in a state. She’s an older lady who keeps envelopes of money in her house and knows the exact spots for each envelope. She usually withdraws money from her bank and then shares it across the envelopes. This evening, she went to add some money to a certain envelope only to find that the envelope was gone. It had around £2.2k in. I went round to check for her and it’s definitely not there. She last added money to it 2 weeks ago.

Mum had told me that years ago, my sister had stolen from her on 3 occasions. She has suspicions that my sister has stolen the envelope. My sister is often at mums house before going to work.

AIBU to think my sister wouldn’t do this?!

Oh dear. I was so happy with your update, having thought your faith in your sister was likely not misplaced (particularly after you said the earlier thefts were twenty five years ago).
You were planning to install a safe, camera and petty cash stash, so it didn’t even matter who stole it in a way, what mattered was whether or not your mom believed it. I mean, she’s over eighty. Even the brightest people of that age might occasionally forget something.
But then you mentioned your mom had asked your sister’s kids. Have her kids (or yours or her brother’s grandkids) been there? Are they older than four? Kids do poke around and might have found the stash. If they did it’s certainly possible they pocketed it, I’m sorry to say.

My Aunt had this same problem as your mum. She died in England but her apartment was in the Caribbean. When her brother (her executor) went out he found eight carrier bags full of cash tucked away under mattresses, in walls - over $100,000. For five days he had to walk round bank headquarters on an island he’d never been to, on a tourist visa, begging them to take his extremely dodgy custom. Ironically she’d been an accountant. Her bank accounts were virtually empty. It took him two years to sort out legally as well.
You do need to nip this tendency of your mom’s in the bud. In a very unlikely scenario, can you imagine some burglar breaking into the house, finding a stash and then demanding she shows him the rest of it? At least if it’s in a safe she could give out a number. I know this is extremely unlikely but it does happen.

Have the police been called?

Your sister has 100% nicked it.

Come on OP, you must know this deep down?

The police won’t do anything but issue a number. What do you think they’re going to do, send over a CID team and fingerprint the drawer?

But you know she is s thief so why can't your mind comprehend it?

My DM 84 also likes to keep cash in the house, although limited to between 1-300 at any one time. Anything more seems unnecessary, and has now caused upset for your mum OP. I'm not victim blaming, but I can recall being very hesitant to want to go and visit my grandma alone after she basically accused me of taking £90 from her home when I was 17.

My mum asked me and I obviously said I hadn't took it. When it turned up under her mattress a few weeks later I got an apology, but it had already soured me from wanting to pop in again without a 'witness' , which was upsetting as we had always been close😥

My mum would also have that kind of cash in the house. She collects her pension in cash from the post office every week

My mum has loads of cash in her house. U know she has about 7000 pounds in the house, and she has told me where it is

I've never taken a penny .

It's very heartless to steal from an elderly parent. It definitely sounds like your sister took it

Biometric safe. You can buy one and easily install it.

I wouldn't point fingers as sadly mum has no proof.

Yes tell your mum to get a safe

Regrettably, I think you have to face the fact that she is not on the ball with money. If she was, she wouldn't be taking it out of the bank account and then keeping it stashed in envelopes scattered around the house.

Get her a safe, they're not too dear and she sounds like she can afford it.
Lots of different safes online, coded, small money boxes with a key, etc.. even a safe storage such as a metal filing cabinet would be pretty hard for anyone who's not a burglar with tools to open.

I don't know the age of your mother but my grandmother showed her first signs signs of dementia by claiming that someone had stolen from her about 20 years before her full blown dementia took her away. It was always something she was certain about and also she had a specific idea about who had done this - which i took seriously at the beginning and then learned that that was her film that someone had stolen things.

Why shouldn't the lady have money in the house? That doesn't give somebody the right to steal it!

She maybe isn't taking it out of the bank .

Maybe she is collecting her pension in cash. And saving it. My mum picks up her pension in cash every week from the post office.

If she's stolen from her before, why would you think she hasn't done it again? Have you confronted your sister?
Also, if your brother visits, he might have found the envelope.

Well do that then. Also, if your mum trusts you with her money, can't she give it to you to look after?

Get your Mum a small safe and bolt it to the floor in a cupboard or wardrobe. Use a combination that only you and your mum have. Failing that try to get her to keep a minimum of £500 in cash in the house even if the rest is entrusted to you.

It is not at all uncommon for people to take cash from elderly people. Thick wads of the stuff lying around is a huge temptation to anyone having financial difficulties or just entitled. Almost always they justify it mentally that they're "borrowing" it and they will "repay it soon" and the person doesn't need it. So theft is a likely explanation.

An equally likely explanation is that your DM has moved the money and forgotten, or it never existed. I know you say she's on the ball, but regrettably everyone's cognitive faculties start to deteriorate if they live long enough and it's very common for dementia or cognitive decline to have its first manifestations in accusing people of stealing.

Keeping money stashed everywhere in envelopes is really risky for all sorts of reasons anyway: fire, theft, common or garden loss, and worst case scenario a home invasion theft that could put her at serious risk. So you need to have a very serious talk with her about this, and if she really is on the ball and won't contemplate a bank then a safe and a few internal cameras would be smart and much better than this setup.

Hi, having siblings who stole from my mum in the past I understand your frustration. You mother sounds like she may like just counting her money (I have the same habit) so maybe invest in a safe . As long as your sister doesn't have the code she can't steal from her. Family can be your worst enemy and if she did take money your mum won't do anything about it cause she will never do anything to get your sister into trouble.

Don't take it on yourself to catch her cause you will be the person in the wrong. Maybe just help mum to find an alternative solution which helps her little money counting habits. Good luck

I haven’t had a chance to read all of the posts but my grandmother does exactly the same with different envelopes of money. She knows where everyone of them is and what’s in there etc. last year she was distraught because thought someone had taken one. We looked everywhere, went through who had visited. She thought friends had stolen from her. She was very upset. I had no concerns about her memory etc.

turns out it was the start of her not quite having the memory she used to we found it 6 weeks later in a really random spot (with the correct amount of money). We have since found quite a few envelopes in random places!

hope you to get the of it x

So she has a bank account but is withdrawing money and putting it in envelopes around the house? Why?! Why not just leave the money in the bank until she needs it?

Never thought my sister would do it to my mum but she did. You need to confront her and tell her you've called the police her reaction will answer the question

If your mums set on keeping money in the house then maybe buy her a small safe to keep it in ? Or lockbox, something with a key that she can keep on a chain with her at all times, that way nothing can be stolen or misplaced . And as for your sister, I would just say that your mum had money go missing and see if you can tell from her reaction. 2k is alot of money to steal from your own parent without feeling the slightest bit guilty about it

Get her a small house safe and install it for her. She's not going to stop stashing money at home, so you might as well help her secure it.
Unless you are both prepared to accuse someone in the family, and take the resulting fallout, she needs to be write off the money that's already gone.

My Mum does similar with jewellery and cash, she is now missing some items of jewellery that has put in a ‘safe place’ but can’t remember where it is, she doesn’t think anyone has taken it as she remembers stashing it somewhere…last time I stumbled across the things she had hidden totally randomly when I was repotting some indoor plants and they were in the bottom of the outer plant pot.
She always jokes when it’s time for her to move/downsize we’re going to have to go through everything with a fine tooth comb.
I think there are a couple of possibilities the most likely sadly, is that it’s been taken and your sisters reply makes me wonder if she has been often taking a few notes here and there as it seems odd to say someone was silly taking it all.
It’s been spent and not replaced and your mum doesn’t remember spending it or she has moved its hiding place and forgotten she has moved it.
Like others have suggested I would try and encourage a safe, my mum won’t entertain the idea as he system apparently works 🤦‍♀️