To think my sister wouldn’t steal from my mum?

[MuggyMcMuffin]

My mum called me this evening in a state. She’s an older lady who keeps envelopes of money in her house and knows the exact spots for each envelope. She usually withdraws money from her bank and then shares it across the envelopes. This evening, she went to add some money to a certain envelope only to find that the envelope was gone. It had around £2.2k in. I went round to check for her and it’s definitely not there. She last added money to it 2 weeks ago.

Mum had told me that years ago, my sister had stolen from her on 3 occasions. She has suspicions that my sister has stolen the envelope. My sister is often at mums house before going to work.

AIBU to think my sister wouldn’t do this?!

So ask her to give it to you and open a specific account for her.

I’m confused - if she has stolen before, why are you surprised?

It’s a vile thing to do though, keep her out of your mum’s house unsupervised.

I have. They were specific

Putting up cameras is a gross invasion of your mother’s privacy regardless of the motivation.

everyone who’s visited is a suspect, including friends. Try your sister for a reaction first however then go report the missing cash to the police.

I suggest you buy your mum a lockable money tin and she can hide the key.

Are you certain your sister stole from your mum, or are you just taking her word for it?
If she really does have all her faculties she's been incredibly foolish leaving stashes of cash around where an alleged known thief can easily find them.
It's also true to say that people with dementia, even at early stages, can get very paranoid and accuse people of things.
If she does have mental capacity but insists on leaving large sums of cash all over the house, she has chosen to risk losing it.

Wait, your sister stole from your mom 25 years ago???

That's not exactly a recent pattern.

I would think your mom probably lost it.

You say she's on the ball, but she is hiding money and struggles with the bank machine.

She doesn't sound on the ball leaving envelopes of money everywhere.

If you're sure that your mum hasn't got confused and misplaced the envelope then it does seem likely that your sister is the likely culprit. Are you sure it's true that she's stolen money from mum in the past?

You need to convince mum that having envelopes of cash around the house is not safe. Can you get her a little safe to keep in the bedroom cupboard for her to keep cash and valuables in?

I'd make sure I was very sure that mum is correct about the missing money before I spoke to my sister - if you accuse her and it's not true, there's no coming back from that really 😕

Not seen another comment, but if this is because of the comment i put, I didn't say to put up cameras, I said to say she had already put up cameras and were yet to view the footage to see the sisters reaction. Bit of a bluff.

This happened in my family, too, only with my Nana and my cousin and me.
My Nana raised me. She didn’t spend much time with my cousins, or even my siblings.
One day Nana’s fancy ring went missing — and somehow it was down to my cousin and me taking it, which as I look back is absurd.
Nonsensical.
Our mothers drove us over and one by one we each had to go into Nana’s bedroom to replace the ring.
I never spoke of that to my grandmother, but knowing me so well, I know she knew I’d never steal from her - it’d never occur to me.
Who steals from their grandmother??

And why wouldn’t your sister just ask your mum for the money if she needed it?
I’ll never understand families. Or thieving just for the hell of it.

Well if money has gone missing, and it wasn’t you, and your mum hasn’t misplaced it, then there are two options.

Your sister who has form
Your brother who doesn’t know where the envelopes are

Kinda obvious really isn’t it?

That’s not a good record is it?
I think you might have to encourage your mum to report to police. It is, sadly, fairly common for relatives to steal from the elderly.
My friend’s mum, 80-ish, was moving house and he arrived to help pack. He found money hidden everywhere, inside cushion covers, under rugs, under the mattresses. She seemed to have forgotten about most of it but he was very worried about what might have happened if he’d not done the packing up. It does seem to be an 80+ cash rules type of thinking.

Of course she could - anyone could given the opportunity and people don't always behave the way we would behave.

Set her up a safe, with a combination that only she and you have.

Seperately and before your sister finds out anyone knows anything, tell your sister (and do this face to face!!) that you had already set up cameras and now money has gone so you're about to review all the cam footage to see if you can spot who it was or what Mum did with it.

See her reaction, however if she is a skilled and practiced liar, then you may not get a response that tells you much.

If she won't keep it in the bank will she use a metal lock box.

@MuggyMcMuffin I think it might be better to get the safe and not say anything to your sister. you can still put cameras but there wont be any envelope there. at least it lets your sister save face (unless you want to catch her). your mum doesnt have to say anything to her. if sis asks then your mum will know!

The last time my DSD 'lost' money we ripped the house apart and found it in the most random place. He swore blind he hadn't put it there, was a huge mystery, etc etc but OF COURSE he'd put it there, no-one else would have.

I'd tread very carefully with accusations and use this as a lever to encourage your mum not to withdraw cash. I know people of a certain age like to do it, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea.

Who else goes into her house ? Neighbour, visiting friend, meals on wheels person, cleaner, doctor, nurse ?

If there have been other visitors to the house, even if they don't know where the envelopes of cash are, could they not have just found the money? Has your mum checked all the other envelopes? She must see now that her system is unsafe.

If she's stolen 3 times before from your mother then it's obvious she's done it again.
Unless you think DM is being forgetful now?

I would check absolutely everywhere and if your mum has more than one envelope check that she hasn't put two lots of money together. When my grandma died there was money in all sorts of places, old handbags, stuffed in old purses. Going forward you need either indoor cameras or money needs to be in the bank.

My sister would be my immediate thought.

Well if you review that was 25 years ago, whilst terrible a lot of time has passed so I don't think it is obvious that would happen again. Are the 3 occasions proven? Is it possible your mother is mistaken? Seems a massive accusation. Is the sister round before work to help your mum?

It’s a rough situation and I can think of only 2 causes (although am not an expert)

1. Your sister is a thief
2. first sign of some form of dementia in your mum (forgetfulness and paranoia).

Either way, this is a horrible situation for you to be in and I hope you have a good support system to keep you afloat in this difficult time.

Of course she has stolen the bloody money

Get her a small home safe and hide it if she insists on having money in the house.
Your sister will never admit to taking it; no point in having that conversation, frankly.