To think my sister wouldn’t steal from my mum?

[MuggyMcMuffin]

My mum called me this evening in a state. She’s an older lady who keeps envelopes of money in her house and knows the exact spots for each envelope. She usually withdraws money from her bank and then shares it across the envelopes. This evening, she went to add some money to a certain envelope only to find that the envelope was gone. It had around £2.2k in. I went round to check for her and it’s definitely not there. She last added money to it 2 weeks ago.

Mum had told me that years ago, my sister had stolen from her on 3 occasions. She has suspicions that my sister has stolen the envelope. My sister is often at mums house before going to work.

AIBU to think my sister wouldn’t do this?!

I'd tread carefully. My DM does the hidden money thing. It's an old housewife trick to skim housekeeping money to keep something for themselves. It's a difficult habit to change.

DM is always panicking as the envelope is gone or thinks some money is missing. She jumps to someone breaking in to steal it, or anyone who has been in her house, including family members' kids. Thankfully I've been able to stop her accusing anyone. After searching the house we usually find it, or DM remembered where she spent it.

So your sister could have stolen it, or it could be your DM is mistaken. I'd be erring towards it being lost. If concerned, put a hidden camera over the area where the envelope is, to see what happens.

Well to be fair someone took the money and your sister seems to be the most likely candidate.

A friend's mother does this. Her brother regularly steals money from his mother. It's very sad

I’m just coming here because I don’t know who else to ask. I feel a bit numb. Also, conflicted. I didn’t expect the nasty comments either.

Ignore the nasty comments.

Well if the cap fits. Your sister has stolen THREE times from your mum. You admit yourself that your mum has full capacity when it comes to money and you are the only one she trusts with her finances. Yet all you can do is doubt her and talk about how upset you are about the accusation regarding your sister. It is very likely your sister has stolen the money and your mum is looking to you to help her so how about you do that

What did your sister steal on the previous occasions and did she admit to it?
She can't keep using this system though can she, something needs to change.

I totally appreciate this comment.

It’s so difficult. But my mum is very on the ball with money and isn’t forgetful.

I will go around again and check.

Can you get your mum to put her remaining money back in the bank as a first step? If she trusts you, you tell her you think it's best. What is her reason for the envelope system?

I’m not doubting my mum. I just cannot fathom, how my sister can have such little conscience to do such a thing.

I am trying to decide the best way forward. Please don’t be so nasty, when this is quite an emotive subject.

I'm afraid it's a thing that older people start accusing others of stealing and taking things.

Money, each time. We’re talking 25 years ago, when I was little. My sister is a lot older than me.

I have work tomorrow, but I’ll go around in the evening and will have a proper conversation with her about it. It’s definitely for the best that it’s in the bank. I think she just likes having money to hand for birthdays. She also prefers using cash over a card. Since dad died, she has had to learn to use a cash machine, which she isn’t confident in doing

What I would do is call a local locksmith. Have a safe put in. Only mum and you having the combination to it. Tell sister all the money is in the safe but allow your mum to have one other place with a small amount of cash in it as petty cash.

We have a small safe for jewellery.

You could mention to your sister that your mum had ideas someone was taking money so installed cameras, and that you're going round to review the footage - see her reaction.

If your mum is insisting in keeping cash in the house, can you get her a fireproof safe? Keep it in there in her envelope system.

Your sister has stolen from your mum on multiple previous occasions so it’s not unlikely - she clearly has no moral objection to stealing from family. Does your mum have a savings account? Can you persuade her to bank the money to stop it happening? I’m guessing she collects her pension in cash and then saves some in the envelopes. The alternative is you set up a camera - but what happens if you get video of sister taking it? Would your mum go to the police?

Look. I know it's hard. This is an awful accusation and you need to tread carefully but there seems to be a lot of evidence to suggest your sister did this. The first thing you need to do is contact the adult safeguarding team at your local council on Monday morning. They will then investigate this without you needing to take total ownership. Then consider purchasing a safe for your mum that only she has the code for, if she still insists on the envelope way of saving. At leat then noone else can help themselves

Your mum is so ridiculous to do this when she’s had money stolen before. Anyone who enters her house and knows her ‘system’ could be accused of theft. She should go to the police but she has no evidence it was your sister so shouldn’t accuse her directly.

How can anyone answer we don't know your sister to know what her character is like, and we don't know your mum to know how reliable she is about remembering things correctly.

If your sister has previous then it's likely her that's stolen it but you'll have to double check the house to make sure it's definitely not been misplaced or slid down a shelf or something.
Unfortunately siblings do these things, they're minds work differently and sometimes they feel owed something, my brother is the same and takes the mick out of our mother, no one else puts up with him now though.

If your sister has stolen money three times from her own mother then quite obviously she could steal money a 4th time from her. She’s already demonstrated she has no conscience about stealing. People aren’t being horrible - they are just surprised that you’re questioning if she’d be willing to stoop this low. Obviously, yes.

That’s a good idea, thank you, I’m going to call round to mums after work tomorrow and we can chat properly. I felt awful but I couldn’t stay long this evening as I wanted to see my little one before they went to bed. I’m stressed

I like this idea. I’m going to speak to mum about it. I feel so bad as she would have usually spoken to my dad about these things, but he died. So she only has me

You need to have evidence that your sister actually took it, and that your mother is not scatty.

I would leave money out again and see if it's taken.