To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Next time don’t tell them what hotel you are going to!

Why do you think they did it?

Also more info about:
the time both sets of parents came
What they said to you (not dh) this time
Did you spend the 3 days together?

How did they know which hotel you were in?

Why did you tell them where you were?

They didn't want to miss out - or be alone at xmas. My DS was at her in-laws. I do feel bad for not involving them, but they completely dominate a situation, have made it clear they're not big fans of my DH (of 11 years) and generally suck the joy out of social occasions with their constant bickering, so I have tried to escape that.

I would have been furious too, so i don't think YABU.

Your parents didn't respect your wishes and didn't just leave you to have your Christmas. You should be able to say to grown adults im going here for Christmas without them deciding to gatecrash it and cause a scene!

I would honestly be tempted to do nothing about seeing them. They were in the wrong , let then come to you! Which if they are overbearing and intense, they will do sooner rather than later.

I wouldn't be going to see them to get the presents. Sod them.

Next year go to a different hotel but don't tell them which one.

Ha. It's the same one we've gone to the last 4 Christmases and the one we invited them to once. I didn't think they'd turn up!

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.
You invited them one Christmas after all.

Maybe they felt like sharing a meal with you, without the in-laws, as a surprise.
You could have secreted the Hotel next Christmas to not have a repeat of this year.

The shock of seeing them made you rude; you should apologise.

I hope you do have a nice present opening.

Maybe send the kids with gifts and food and let them have a relaxed day at Grandparents playing cards and Chess.

Because I never thought for a moment they'd turn up! 🙈

It seems they wanted to share Christmas with you, or at least with their grandchildren, while excluding your dh's parents. It's nasty and manipulative, they want to gain the upper hand regardless of your wishes. How horrible.

Don't see them until Easter. If they want to visit, tell them you are booked elsewhere. Make it clear their actions have alienated you. That their behaviour is not acceptable.

I'd not tell them anything next Christmas. Choose a different hotel. Make it impossible for them to interfere. Don't tell them where you are going on holiday either. I hate that sort of stuff. It's bullying by any other name.

Seriously? Are you the grandparent?

OP says they're dominating and overbearing. You don't reward bad behaviour, otherwise it gets repeated.

Yanbu to feel they gate crashed but why did your husband raise it as an issue rather than you? I wouldn’t dream of raising dissatisfaction with my in laws behaviour on my dhs behalf - I can’t help but think that probably ramped things up…

This is exactly how I feel! I haven't detailed their previous or recent behaviour on here for brevity, but I do feel they're manipulative, domineering, extremely jealous of my in-laws and generally self-centred and selfish, dressed up in victimisation
I should've also said in my OP that they saw us on Monday before we left and also see the grandkids every week, whereas the in-laws are further away and see them monthly the in-laws weren't even there but part of me thinks my parents were expecting them to be and that they'd caught us out!

from your writing it sounds like you were rude
bit unncessary

Totally get this - as does DH. He was at the end of the line with their behaviour and the way it's been affecting me. There's been a lot of upset and stress involved with them of late and it's a never-ending cycle as they don't recognise that and I try to placate them to keep the peace between them and so on it goes. I wouldn't have said anything at the time and played along with it as usual - to the detriment of my happiness as I've done for years.
It undoubtedly ramped things up, but I am glad he said something as it's really brought it all to a head - just not at the best time, but as he said - they chose the timing.

Were they intending to stay at the hotel or just a lunch/drink before heading off?

I agree with this. Why spoil the day for everyone, you could have had a nice day together and spoke about it afterwards. It's not surprising your dad was put out if DH had a go at him. They may have honestly thought it would be a nice surprise for you all.

They booked in for the christmas package same as us, but booked 2 nights instead of 3 to "give us space".
We had xmas dinner together.

I think it was odd if them to turn up uninvited but also awful if you to be furious they were there. Sounds like you just don't get on

Can no adult on MN have an adult conversation with another adult about acceptable behaviour?
Is being unable to express your thoughts, wants and needs a criteria for 'membership'?

So having read this @merrychristonabike i would suggest you have some therapy to unpick your appeasement of them and then once the dust has settled in a few months, you need to talk this through with them. I’d skip present giving in the next few days because if you go round and play along with things a) you undermine your DH with whom you agree b) everything gets swept under the carpet again…

I can’t imagine a scenario where I would do this to dd or to anyone. Parents like this just see their dc as an extension of themselves and not as people in their own right. So of course they can turn up. In their minds they can do whatever they like. But they probably know they would have been put off if suggested beforehand hence the ‘surprise’. OP knows her own parents, it isn’t benign.

I think your DH was admirably restrained. I would have refused to eat dinner with them. I may even have booked out of the hotel and tried to find another one or gone home.

I wouldn't bother with the Christmas presents. But I do think you (and not DH) need to have a long conversation about how you move forward from this.

YANBU, and neither is your DH.

Go somewhere else next year and don't tell them where, as they evidently can't respect (or maybe even recognise you have the right to any) boundaries.