To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Gosh, you must all really not get on if you can't get along in a hotel, where you all have your own space. Honestly, having the whole family in a hotel sounds like a dream - no hosting, plenty of space apart, and sharing meals. I think it sounds nice. I don't blame your parents for being put out at the reception they got. They probably never dreamed they'd be so unwelcome.

Totally get this. Have tried multiple times to have an adult conversation with both parents about their behaviour and my dad flies into rage and then doesn't speak to me for weeks.
I also have to tread carefully with him as I worry about the ramifications for mum at home with him when he gets angry.
There is no grown ip behaviour from him.

I don't think you were unreasonable or your DH!

It was certainly not too late to be anything but delighted - you don't have to give a false happy / enthusiastic reaction when someone has purposefully put you in a situation you don't want to be in, that would just encourage the behaviour. They sound rude and manipulative from what you've written, I wouldn't be putting up with that in your DHs shoes.

They decided to do something they knew you wouldn't be happy with - especially given how much upset and stress there has been of late in your relationship. It feels like they decided to do it as a one up - probably thinking you'd have to play along as you have done for years, and they'd get what they wanted to your detriment.

People saying it sounds nice etc - it doesn't sound nice to have family members you have a strained relationship with turn up to your Christmas break uninvited, especially when a question of "why are you here" turns into someone flipping and calling people dicks!

It wasn't the whole family though. The op's parents orchestrated the surprise to exclude DH parents from Xmas day.

Different hotel next year but you should have spoken out instead of your poor dh he has utilmately been the fall guy here.

Your dm is an adult.
It’s not for you to police their relationship. If your dm doesn’t like the way your df treats her then she needs to leave.

Omg
i always think my ILs are bad and then I hear about this kind of behaviour. I am not surprised your DH couldn’t help himself. I would’ve said something also. Going away somewhere for Christmas explicitly states that you don’t want to spend Christmas with them. It’s such a wild reach and manipulative behaviour from them.
My ILs have form for this kind of thing and I told my DH that next year i will not be seeing them at all. No doubt I’ll be sharing my own trials an tribulations on MN. Any hotel recommendations please let me know!

Whist it might have been an unwanted surprise I think your husband was rude and unkind.

your parents came because they didn’t want to be alone, and because seeing your would be a pleasure. They were happy to surprise you

whilst it might not have been a welcome surprise, I can’t imagine being so rude to people unless I was intent on being NC with them going forward, as it was hurtful and ungracious

controlling and manipulative of them!’I couldn’t get passed this behaviour

I don't think you were unreasonable given the nature of the relationship. I'd have a break from them for a good few months. Adult parents need to understand that the relationship must shift when children become adults themselves. Spending time with people that are difficult, rude, manipulative and bicker just isn't very pleasant. You can't reasonably expect your kids to continue to put up with it year on year. Don't feel pushed to apologize, just let it lie - so what if there are presents from them for the kids, on them to ensure they can post them. I'd go really low contact. And don't fear having that clear conversation about why. Your mum has made the choice to stay with a man who isn't very pleasant, that's on her.

Would posters, who are saying the OP’s parents wanted it to be a pleasant surprise, be saying the same thing if it was manipulative in-laws turning up uninvited?

Absolutely. Took me years to realise this myself.

Everything said here!!

but it was christmas day
no place for being rude
season of goodwill and peace

You all need to grow up, communicate effectively and generally be much kinder.

Your parents asking you about Christmas is normal, nothing wrong with that, just answer politely, no need to sneak off. They want to spend time with you so you and they should have come to an arrangement rather than them having to take such steps. Meanwhile they need to learn to share, if both sets of grandparents are there they should be understanding and gracious about it rather than (obviously) jealous.

Surprising you would have been lovely in most families so I'm guessing a much bigger back story than you have written ...

Effective communication and understanding everyone's needs is the solution. Plus why don't people want to spend a couple of days with their families???

You do know that you don't get ‘invited’ to stay at a hotel, you must book a room and turn up? Anyone can do it!

Well the fact they weren't invited again after their behaviour last time would have been a big clue that OP didn't want them there to spoil things again surely? Hence the 'surprise', they had to do it that way

If it's the bickering that is causing the main friction you need to tell them, not at Christmas, or close to next Christmas but sit them down and explain why their company isn't pleasant

Sounds awful

Honestly I'd stay away a little while until the dust settles. Then when you next see them you need to put boundaries in. "We didn't enjoy this year next year we will be going away just us / staying with the in-laws / getting abroad we will spend 2026 with you". Absolutely make it clear as early as possible. When autumn comes around remind them again, two weeks before Christmas remind them again.

You are not responsible for your parents relationship. I imagine you've walked on eggshells for years regarding your dad? You are only responsible for your actions, please don't be a doormat.

Just out of interest, why are they not allowed to spend a christmas with you without your DH parents also being there?

In fairness isnt it quite normal in a lot of families to alternate, eg seeing one side of the family one christmas, the other side the next year? I can see why they feel a bit put out if theres a constant obsession with DH's parents having to be invited to everything they are invited to. Is that something your DH insists on? They aren't trying to 'exclude' your in laws they are probably happy for you to see each side separately occasionally thats all!

What they did was a bit off but tbf i can see why they take issue with your DH as it sounds like you placate them and leave it to your DH to raise issues with them so they probably think he's picking fights about stuff you weren't actually that bothered about.

@WillowTit and the OP’s parents weren’t being rude?

Why is it always the adult DC on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour who are told to keep the peace etc? Why can the manipulative/emotionally immature parents not try keeping the peace for once? 🤨

(Been told this myself too many times over the years by/about similar parents and have realised that ‘keeping the peace’ means I get no peace of my own).

Why would you think that dominating over bearing people wouldn't turn up?
Keep your plans to yourself in future.

Well, it's because they've been invited before, they thought their presence would be welcomed. Being asked by a family member they aren't keen on 'why are you here?' must have come across quite blunt and rude to be honest.

If you had been honest from the start and told them you want to be alone, you wouldn't have had to go to a hotel every year to avoid them and they would have been clear they weren't welcome.

Next year go somewhere else, don't tell them where you're going