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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

808 replies

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:31

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

OP posts:

Original poster

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:48

StarlightStalagmite · 28/12/2024 08:39

I think some of the posters here don't know what it's like to have controlling and dominating parents.

I do, and to me it's clear they didn't tell you as they wanted to force a situation where you felt obliged to go along with what they wanted.

I think therapy is needed to help you to put in boundaries around this unhealthy dynamic.

For one thing, you don't 'have' to visit them because they conveniently forgot to bring presents with them so you have to see them another time.

To pp saying send kids off for a relaxed day with GP - they don't sound like a very relaxing pair - why should the kids have to be subjected to that?

So yes, really limit what you share with your parents in future about what you're doing (grey rock) and definitely look into therapy for yourself about why you feel the need to appease them.

This! I can understand why some people are saying I'm rude and out of order - because I've posted limited information about the back story - including a few weeks ago when my dad told me exactly what he thought of DH and me (so I was surprised he'd want to spend extended time with us).
But I feel like you understand this situation. Thanks!

OP posts:

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 28/12/2024 08:48

Wait, so because your parents act like dicks you also penalise your in laws by not spending Christmas with them either?? Assuming they didn’t act like dicks that seems unfair… Did I understand that correctly 😅 How does your DH feel about that??

Lobstercrisps · 28/12/2024 08:48

mitogoshigg · 28/12/2024 08:20

You all need to grow up, communicate effectively and generally be much kinder.

Your parents asking you about Christmas is normal, nothing wrong with that, just answer politely, no need to sneak off. They want to spend time with you so you and they should have come to an arrangement rather than them having to take such steps. Meanwhile they need to learn to share, if both sets of grandparents are there they should be understanding and gracious about it rather than (obviously) jealous.

Surprising you would have been lovely in most families so I'm guessing a much bigger back story than you have written ...

Effective communication and understanding everyone's needs is the solution. Plus why don't people want to spend a couple of days with their families???

Surprising would absolutely not be pleasant in my family!

I love my parents and i love my in laws.

But if we have gone somewhere like this on holiday and they turn up unexpectedly DH and I would not be happy at all.

Absolutely manipulative. Who on earth would be pleased to have their plans disrupted like this?

howaboutchocolate · 28/12/2024 08:49

Some posters are so weird about things like this op, don't listen to them. Your parents are the rude ones. It's really not acceptable behaviour to gatecrash anything.

I bet you'd have got a different response if you'd said it was your inlaws and not your parents doing it. One set of grandparents always gets preferential treatment on mumsnet for some reason.

Jennyathemall · 28/12/2024 08:49

I dont get going to the hotel if they know the location and can just turn up anyway? Might as well just stay home?

pestowithwalnuts · 28/12/2024 08:51

These Christmas hotel breaks tend to get booked early.
So your parents must have planned this quite a while ago

Longma · 28/12/2024 08:51

user1492757084 · 28/12/2024 07:42

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.
You invited them one Christmas after all.

Maybe they felt like sharing a meal with you, without the in-laws, as a surprise.
You could have secreted the Hotel next Christmas to not have a repeat of this year.

The shock of seeing them made you rude; you should apologise.

I hope you do have a nice present opening.

Maybe send the kids with gifts and food and let them have a relaxed day at Grandparents playing cards and Chess.

But they weren't invited.

The op and her dh wanted a family Christmas, just their immediate unit, which is perfectly acceptable.

You can't just turn up at other people's celebrations and expect to be included and welcomed.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2024 08:52

Jennyathemall · 28/12/2024 08:49

I dont get going to the hotel if they know the location and can just turn up anyway? Might as well just stay home?

The op didn't anticipate that degree of brass neck!

Original poster

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:53

Saturdayssandwichsociety · 28/12/2024 08:22

Just out of interest, why are they not allowed to spend a christmas with you without your DH parents also being there?

In fairness isnt it quite normal in a lot of families to alternate, eg seeing one side of the family one christmas, the other side the next year? I can see why they feel a bit put out if theres a constant obsession with DH's parents having to be invited to everything they are invited to. Is that something your DH insists on? They aren't trying to 'exclude' your in laws they are probably happy for you to see each side separately occasionally thats all!

What they did was a bit off but tbf i can see why they take issue with your DH as it sounds like you placate them and leave it to your DH to raise issues with them so they probably think he's picking fights about stuff you weren't actually that bothered about.

They totally are allowed to - we tried alternating, but my folks were never pleased when it was IL's turn to spend xmas with us.
We tried having it all together, but my parents were rude to ILs.
And last year mum cried every day in the run up to xmas saying it'll be the worst ever because we weren't doing what she wanted.

OP posts:

crumblingschools · 28/12/2024 08:53

@Jennyathemall maybe the OP didn’t think the parents would just turn up. Maybe the OP and her DH like the hotel experience, not having to cook etc.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/12/2024 08:54

crumblingschools · 28/12/2024 08:27

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 so if you have invited parents to your house before for Christmas, that gives them the right to turn up every Christmas whether you have invited them or not?

It's a hotel, anyone can go. They may have thought it was a nice thing to do.

Just offering an alternative view, l know that's frowned upon on mn.

Longma · 28/12/2024 08:55

WillowTit · 28/12/2024 08:28

who else would the parents spend christmas with?

Each other?
They are a married couple, so neither was going to be alone.

Longma · 28/12/2024 08:55

and you think that is ok?

Why wouldn't it be?

80smonster · 28/12/2024 08:57

Urgh. Family of drama llamas. You could have booked another hotel, your husband didn’t need to raise on Christmas day. Suspect a long and boring backstory pairs with this…

howaboutchocolate · 28/12/2024 08:59

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:53

Show quote history

Your mum is a total narcissist. You need to back right off from dealing with her and I think other posters are right and therapy will help you see that more clearly.

She's clearly not thinking of you and your family one little bit, it's all about her. My mother is the same so I sympathise. She wants to be seen as the best grandma, so she does everything for show, regardless of whether her grandchildren are happy or not.

Headingtowardsdivorce · 28/12/2024 08:59

OP says: they completely dominate a situation, have made it clear they're not big fans of my DH (of 11 years) and generally suck the joy out of social occasions with their constant bickering

ThatKhakiMoose says: having the whole family in a hotel sounds like a dream - no hosting, plenty of space apart, and sharing meals. I think it sounds nice.

I honestly wonder about some people's reading comprehension on here sometimes. Either that or they have a really strange idea of what nice means.

Incenseda · 28/12/2024 09:00

OP, your father is an abusive bully.

Your mother is an adult and you have been tolerating this abuse to protect her.

Stop it.
She needs to take responsibility for herself.

Stop seeing your parents completely.
You need an extended no contact period to detox from them.

I think you need therapy to come to terms with this toxicity.
They are not good grandparents.
You are clearly afraid of your father.

Stop putting your husband through this.

Drop the rope completely.
They need to live with the consequences of their behaviour.

Createausername1970 · 28/12/2024 09:01

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2024 08:42

Did you actually say to them - ‘hey M+D, we are going to a hotel because we cannot face seeing you over christmas’?
Also, how rude of them to want to give their grandchildren gifts at christmas! (what’s a ‘Santa gift’)

Show quote history

What's a Santa gift?

What do you think it is.....

TENSsion · 28/12/2024 09:03

I think they’ve been suspicious that you were secretly having Christmas with your in-laws but pretending it’s just the four of you OR they think your husband is controlling.

FedUp1000 · 28/12/2024 09:03

It sounds such a difficult situation. Your parents sound very selfish (and probably worse).
You are entitled to choose
not to spend Christmas with them.

crumblingschools · 28/12/2024 09:04

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 the OP has described what her parents are like, it doesn’t sound like her parents chose this hotel as it was a nice thing to do.

It would be interesting if OP would have had similar responses from some posters if it was a manipulative MIL turning up instead.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 28/12/2024 09:05

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:53

Show quote history

Their reactions are not your problem though. It is not fair on your In-laws to never get to spend Xmas with you just to appease your parents. I agree you need therapy to learn how to deal with their behaviour. You need to learn not to be affected by their emotional manipulation.

Pipconkermash · 28/12/2024 09:05

Are some posters on here, the ones laying into the OP, really so dense as to not recognise that she is the decades-long victim of her parents’ insane and abusive behaviour? 😵‍💫

JudgeJ · 28/12/2024 09:06

crumblingschools · 28/12/2024 08:16

Would posters, who are saying the OP’s parents wanted it to be a pleasant surprise, be saying the same thing if it was manipulative in-laws turning up uninvited?

They are in-laws, her husband's!

SerafinasGoose · 28/12/2024 09:08

WillowTit · 28/12/2024 07:51

from your writing it sounds like you were rude
bit unncessary

Sounds very necessary to me, albeit it would have been better coming from you, OP, rather than your DH.

Boundary-crashing should by no means be encouraged.

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