To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Their behaviour is disgusting . The reason they surprised you is because they knew full well that you would have said no if they’d asked . They are manipulative bullies .
I wouldn’t dream of doing something like this to my DC, they need their family time as do we.
Dont feel guilty, you’ve done the right thing to call them out . Their selfishness has got to stop !

No.
Making it all about them, not about what the children would enjoy more.

But they didn't book to stay in your room, and you didn't have to have your christmas lunch with them either. When I've been on holiday with other families, weve spent a great deal of our time doing seperate things.

well they bought no presents this time

I think some of the posters here don't know what it's like to have controlling and dominating parents.

I do, and to me it's clear they didn't tell you as they wanted to force a situation where you felt obliged to go along with what they wanted.

I think therapy is needed to help you to put in boundaries around this unhealthy dynamic.

For one thing, you don't 'have' to visit them because they conveniently forgot to bring presents with them so you have to see them another time.

To pp saying send kids off for a relaxed day with GP - they don't sound like a very relaxing pair - why should the kids have to be subjected to that?

So yes, really limit what you share with your parents in future about what you're doing (grey rock) and definitely look into therapy for yourself about why you feel the need to appease them.

that's not generous, it's selfish. Generous people let children enjoy other people's generosity too. Her parents sound like they're all me me me, who cares what santa/your parents /other GPs got you, look at what we have got you instead. It's so overbearing.

I don't think OP is happy to see her parents every week. The visits totally sound like duty visits to placate her demanding parents and she does not mention using them for childcare.

The hotel is publically accessible but her parents didn't sit at another table, they sat with OP's family which a random stranger wouldn't do. They also didn't just book for Christmas dinner, they booked for 2 overnights as well so OP will get no respite from them.

Yes @Soontobe60 they asked for a room next door to us. They asked to be seated next to us for every meal for the 4 days.

@Soontobe60 do you think parents who turned up like they did would accept doing things separately?

I understand you weren't best pleased to see them but it wasn't the time for making a scene and being 'furious' after years of placatory behaviour. They didn't need your permission to be at the hotel. You see both them and the in laws regularly. If you can't say 'we're having family at home with just the kids this year', or just a visit on Christmas morning, I think that's on you at this stage on your lives. That said, if this is the end of you being so enmeshed (weekly visits you don't want, trying to please them), that can perhaps be a good thing. I would try some therapy to accept your role in this.

that is a shame op
i hope you can enjoy a peaceful Christmas of your choice next year

They can just spend it with each other. They don't sound like the sort of parents that anyone would enjoy spending time with.

It's not up to the grandparents to unilaterally decide how their grandchildren spend Christmas. And if it was about the kids, I doubt they would have left their Christmas gifts at home. Also, what any their daughter, OP?

So if you have Christmas dinner with family once, it means that they can intrude on an future Christmas, when they have decided they want to spend it themselves? It's the OP's parents who were rude, with a lack of boundaries.

You can't decide who else will book into same hotel as you.
Perhaps they liked it when visited before so wanted to return too.

Did you actually say to them - ‘hey M+D, we are going to a hotel because we cannot face seeing you over christmas’?
Also, how rude of them to want to give their grandchildren gifts at christmas! (what’s a ‘Santa gift’)

No idea why you're getting flack for not faking joy when wrong footed. I think I'd struggle to react positively if anyone surprised me by turning up to join a holiday - even if I would have welcomed them at the planning stage. It just completely changes the vibe of the trip to have extra people.

You're going to have to have a chat with them OP, but I doubt it'll go well, they don't sound like they'll be open to it.

Definitely choose a different hotel next year!

Don't let the kids' presents be bargaining chips.

@853ax do you really think that? Are you that naive?

well they bought no presents this time

Which is odd... from everything the op has said I'd guess to ensue she has to take the kids to see them to get them after Xmas. Another control tactic?

I have said this often to them. We want to enjoy some family time first, or, have xmas dinner on our own, but that is always met with disdain and ignored or me made to feel bad for even suggesting it.
I've also sat both parents down several times to talk about how their behaviour affects me but again this is overlooked and over ruled.

OP didn’t “sneak off” she went to the same hotel she and her family have gone to in previous years.

As for your last sentence- plenty of threads here on MN can explain plus centuries of literature

Yes.

What's a Santa gift? It's a... Gift from Santa. OP's kids were trying to open their presents from Santa (usually the main gift, but that's irrelevant) but the grandparents couldn't even give them a few minutes to do that without making it all about them and their gift. They sound very overbearing.

Maybe not, but I would be phoning the hotel and letting them know that I did not appreciate them being given a room next to ours . Hotel staff made an assumption here - that OP would be happy to be ‘surprised’ in this way. Does it not occur to hotel staff that this might be a problem?

OP, I would try to put this behind me by planning where you’re going next Christmas. Focus on that now. Good grandparents do not try to compete with the other set. My PIL and DF& DSM used to comment favourably on what the others had bought - and made an effort to get on.

I get you, but this is where therapy may come in. To help you walk away and get on with your plans knowing you've informed them that's what's happening, end of, and to allow you to process their disapproval as something that comes from them, not caused by you and not your responsibility to solve.