To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

This! Why are so many posters completely missing the point of the OP?!

OP your parents are batshit and you shouldn’t let them rule the roost any more.

😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😂 😆

Why did you tell them which hotel you were going to was my first.thought .

@JudgeJ I know! But many posters only ever judge the husband’s parents. Wife’s parents do things to be nice (even if they are manipulative)

OP. Some posters seem determined to be shitty and awkward - maybe cut from the same cloth as your parents.

Anyway, it's really not acceptable to book yourself into the same hotel as someone else, specifically to spend time with them when you know they have gone there specifically to spend some quality time together.

Going forward, keep your interactions with them as low key as possible and do not share any info with them about your plans.

They are your parents and it's reasonable for them to want to continue to be part of your life and their grandchildren's lives - but they sound like they have crossed every boundary you try to make, which isn't acceptable.

I hear stories of people cutting themselves off at Christmas as they want to share the day for themselves. Then I also hear about people desperately sad and alone at Christmas and it breaks my heart.

I must admit, I go a little out of my comfort zone for Christmas with being quite shy and having to be sociable, but it's so worth it to see my 2 year old son happy and spending time with all of his family who adore him. I think if you have littles in the family it makes it magic for everyone.

I personally would feel cruel doing what you do OP. Only because, if you push past the materialistic things about Chritmas, it's a day for love and spending time with family. Some of my happiest memories as a child are of the chaos at Christmas with my grandparents and extended family. Did they probably feel tired on the day or slightly annoyed at eachother? Yes! Did I notice ? No, it's what made me love Christmas!
OP, you are at risk of setting yourself up for a future of isolation. What happens when the children grow up and maybe go travelling for Christmas or what yourselves do? Will you ask your parents for their company then to make yourselves feel better? Or, will they be hurt from you pushing them out and maybe not want to spend it with you? That's assuming you are still lucky enough to still have them for many more to come.

I think if your adamant Christmas is for yourselves only, you need to spend some time with each set of parents another day to make them feel special and loved and make some happy memories with the children. So they have their own special Christmas.

So if you decided to have lunch at home just you, husband & kids, what would your parents do about that?

She was a lot less rude than I would have been

What nonsense. Have you actually read anything the Op has posted?

Do they also behave like this with your sister? You have said that she is spending Christmas with her in-laws. Does she have the same reaction that you get if you want to spend Christmas with your ILs?

Op , your parents are very much in the wrong here.

I don’t get the posters that suggest you and DH should have sucked it up. I really don’t get the ‘but Christmas’ shite that’s being trotted out either.

For what it’s worth, I do not think your DH needs to stay silent when others trample on his boundaries. He is an adult and his opinion matters as much as that of your parents. No matter how outraged they are.

I would leave them to their indignation. Don’t give it headroom.

Exactly this - every word!

Stop facilitating this selfish bully and his enabler.

Your poor husband must be sick to death of you all.

Exactly what I was thinking!

Come and join us on the 'stately homes' thread, it's been running for years. We are all adult children of domineering, selfish, over bearing parents who ignore any boundaries or common manners.
People who are not from dysfunctional families have no idea what it's like dealing with these people.

This nonsense about 'being alone' when there are two of them! That's not 'alone'!

I cannot believe people are saying you and your husband were rude. Your parents pissed all over a very clear boundary you put in place to protect your family Christmas. I would definitely go low contact for this behaviour

Booked another hotel? Christmas breaks at hotels cost a fortune and cancellation policies are tight. I'm sure if they cancelled on the day and gone to another hotel they would have had to pay the full price of the stay. And that's also unnecessary upheaval for the children, when all her parents had to do was respect their wishes and leave them alone to have Christmas together.

OP, these posters saying you were rude are batshit. If this was me I would have hit the roof, asked for a room move, made sure we were not seated with them for any meals and then had serious serious words on return home. The disrespect of your wishes is appalling and points to further manipulative and controlling behaviour. Stick to your guns, support your DH and I wouldn't be seeing them again for a few months.

I have similar difficult in-laws that dominate and suck all pleasure out of events , we've tried the "all together " times and it just doesn't work .

If you were staying in a hotel for a few days I assume you were eating there ? Did they book rooms for the whole time you were staying ? Could you continue your tradition but invite them for a meal ? What do you do the rest of the time ? Take a few hours out to see them then retreat to your lovely hotel

Sometimes in these situations, I think the best option is to move further away so that visiting can be on your own terms.

You all sound very immature and where is the Christmas spirit? I feel sorry for your children.

How, given that you say they only booked two nights to your three?

I completely get why you're upset and my parents sound very similar to yours. We have to go round for visits every other week or we get moaned at but they then just stick the TV on! They also seem to think we see in-laws more than them etc when it's not the case.

We've had a big falling out with my parents this year due to how they have started to bully our DC and I haven't talked to or seen them for almost a month now. It's been a hard situation but they don't see how they are in the wrong and I'm not going to let them treat our child the way they've been treating me. They also can't stand my DH and moan about all sorts of things they believe he's done wrong over the years. He doesn't see them anymore and they still blame him for things.

It's been stressful not seeing them as I know they're upset but I also know they care more about how it looks to others than my feelings. They are very selfish and manipulative. The positive of not talking to them at the moment is we had a lovely peaceful Christmas for the first time since we had children. We also got to see relatives that they usually make me feel guilty for spending time with. I'm expecting a message from them at some point saying they have presents for us to collect as they also think they can bribe us round with gifts. They don't seem to understand we're not bothered about the presents, we just want to be respected as a family.

I've found a lot of people don't understand if their parents aren't the same. We've put up with so much from mine but it's so hard for others to see as from the outside they just appear to be caring parents/grandparents. I know my dad is absolutely furious that I'm finally standing up to them as they just can't see they do anything wrong.

Sorry that turned out long. I hope you manage to find a way for them to listen to you and take your feelings into account.

Each other
Obviously

And last year mum cried every day in the run up to xmas saying it'll be the worst ever because we weren't doing what she wanted.

This is manipulative shite of the worst kind OP and you need to go no/low contact with them while you sort yourselves out and find a way forward. They can’t be allowed to ruin Christmas every year and be rude to everyone just because they want all their own way, it’s batshit and they need to know it. They don’t want Christmas shared with DH’s parents, but they don’t want you to alternate. And when you try to take yourselves out of the situation they turn up and gatecrash - and l agree, probably expecting to find DH’s parents there with you and turn it into a ‘gotcha’.

I would back off completely for a while. Don’t visit with the presents and if they contact you make it clear you’ve had enough of their shit behaviour ruining things every year, and you’ll let them know when you and DH have decided what you intend to do about it. It’s not on, and it needs to stop now. You need to establish boundaries and they need to know that respecting them isn’t optional. So far your family have been the ones to bear the consequences of their utter selfishness. Now it’s time for them to reap what they’ve sown.

They sound horrendous!