To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

I actually think many do but they have never had the confidence or will to confront their parents or assert boundaries so they have fallen into enabling patterns, no doubt some of them resolving that they will at least get their own turn to be the same way with their children once they become older.

I would honestly think about whether you want a relationship with them. It sounds like you have tried multiple times to communicate effectively and they aren't listening, probably because they still get access to you so they still get what they want regardless of their behaviour. With people like this cutting all contact is usually the best way to get the message to sink in. They will either sit up and pay attention or their stubbornness will at least keep their negative behaviour out of your way.

Manipulation is a form of abuse. There doesn't have to be 'one particular "really bad" thing' to occur for abuse to be present. Abuse can be a pattern of behaviours, such as frequent gaslighting, control-seeking or coercion, ie psychological abuse. People aren't saying this to slight your parents but just naming the behaviour that's being described. You don't have to regard your parents as abusers of course.

No judgement here but I would suggest you might benefit from Professional help with your family dynamic.
In the meantime to prevent further stress in the short term, ‘apologise’ for your reaction at their surprise and maybe even tell them that you’ll be having Relationship Counselling to prevent Friction in the future. Hopefully that will give you to tools to set healthy boundaries all round

Reading some of the replies makes me wonder if some of the contributors have never dealt with really difficult family members. I had incredibly domineering, manipulative, coercive, controlling parents, with no concept of boundaries and respect was definitely a one-way thing. My mother's jealousy made her count the hours I spent with my in-laws, just in case they got more than she felt was right. She was a violent, controlling parent, and an invasive, nosey, needy, bully as a grandparent...oh, and one time I failed to fall into line, she phoned social services and told them I was an "unfit mother," then rang me to tell me what she'd done. She was driven by spite, mostly.

I tried the sitting down and talking about how this behaviour was causing an even wider rift, but I wasn't falling into line and doing what she wanted, so she simply stepped up the program and carried on.

You are NOT being unreasonable, and you certainly weren't rude. Do not apologise for your reaction to their obviously manipulative (and mistrustful) behaviour; they were expecting a reaction, or they wouldn't have just appeared like that.

My mother died last year.
Life without the daily bollocking is remarkably... peaceful, pleasant, even.. (sorry, not sorry).

I'm wondering about the part played here by money...,
OP, you've clearly landed on your feet in life. Did your parents make sacrifices to facilitate this to their disadvantage? If not, how did you manage to end up with your big house, marvellous PILs, great husband? Most people can't afford to take their families to hotels for Xmas. That isn't a criticism btw.
Also, are your roles now reversed partly because you subsidise DPs financially?
You say you invited them to join you at a hotel for Xmas. Did that involve paying for them?
I was simply thinking that this would explain a lot if it was the case.
Secondly, it sounds like they both have a lot of psychological issues and realistically your DM would not be able to survive alone so leaving your Dad is impractical.
Was your Dad always like this socially?
I'm again wondering why their situation hasn't generally held you back in the world? Again , no criticism or disrespect intended.
I hope my questions aren't too intrusive...

I'm glad you've found some peace at last. Your mum sounds absolutely dreadful so I won't say sorry for your loss. People with normal, decent parents don't understand the sheer relief you feel when that black cloud is no longer hanging over you.

Apologising like this wouldn’t be a good start at holding boundaries. As described here it would be her taking the blame for the situation and giving the impression that she is going to work on herself for their sakes. No doubt her parents would feel vindicated if she did this. I agree that she needs counselling to set boundaries for herself in future but that shouldn’t be framed as doing so to prevent friction as though she is the cause of it all.

The problem with this sort of territorial behaviour is that it often leads to alienation. (My mum used to play the ‘poor me, no one visits’ card which wasn’t true of my brother and I and there were distances to travel involved. She was a fairly negative person on the whole but had a full social life. I think the penny dropped after a decade or so and she stopped moaning and making us feel bad. Lo and behold, because we weren’t being berated, this endeared us more towards her, we wanted to visit, felt no pressure and we all benefited).
I think a gentle word to them that their ‘good’ intentions are pushing you away and that you need quality time with your DH and kids at Christmas and other occasions (which of course risks alienating them from you for a while but hey, probably a price worth paying) is needed now or remain hopeful, given this recent situation, that they will now consider matters from your pov rather than theirs. (I’m sure their own parents would have been annoying in similar circumstances - if your parents stopped to consider putting the boot on the other foot !)

I agree with this. I know parents can be infuriating, but when you are all middle-aged and your daughter or daughter-in-law, purposely excludes you, you will be heartbroken and want to see your children and grandchildren at Christmas as well. Try and be a little bit kinder and perhaps just have a quiet discussion with them in a light-hearted way. It’s only one or two days after all – some people are a nightmare, some not, but it is really rather mean to exclude them. Perhaps you could go away for a few days after Christmas or New Year or something, next year. Also, what are you teaching your children? That it is OK to be unkind and not consider older people’s feelings?

I am so sorry. I just posted and now read the background here. (Note to self: read latest posts rather than commenting early on !). I do feel for you. As others have said, I think all you can do is live your own life and continue to set your boundaries. Ignore the bad, encourage the good. Your parents do sound depressed hence the need to spit it all out in your direction which is unfair and very hurtful. Sending you my heartfelt best wishes for strength and knowing you are loved by others.

I still feel bad but the day my mother died was the day I found peace in my life.

Your dad sounds like a prize arsehole, and if your mother doesn't want any help with leaving or whatever that's up to her, no need to martyr yourself over it. If his siblings, friends and club members don't speak to him as he fell out with them, and is falling out with you, he has to look at the common denominator, him. I wouldn't be apologising, nothing to apologise for, they hid it from you and just turned up so they could get one over on your in-laws, not as a supposed nice surprise for you all.

Maybe read all OP's posts before accusing her of not considering her parents' feelings. Here are a few quotes about her parents from OP's posts:

'they're manipulative, domineering, extremely jealous of my in-laws and generally self-centred and selfish, dressed up in victimisation'

'The thought of my dad's reaction to this is frightening. He's an explosively-angry person.'

'Have tried multiple times to have an adult conversation with both parents about their behaviour and my dad flies into rage and then doesn't speak to me for weeks.'

'We have gone to the same hotel 4 Christmasses in a row. The second time we thought it'd be lovely to invite my M&D and the ILs. But my parents were rude, ungracious, made the 4 days awkward when we were all together. That's why I didn't invite them this year.'

The OP has bent over backwards to be kind to her parents but has pretty much reached the end of her tether.

Have you bothered reading all of OP's comments? I was about to outline what she said but @thepariscrimefiles has already done a great job of it. Stop trying to guiltrip OP. She has no responsibility to ensure her parents, who trample all over her boundaries and are manipulative and possibly emotionally abusive, live a consequence free life. Stop projecting your expectations on her and trying to guiltrip her.

Ok, thank you and what a charming response. I do not have any ‘expectations’ as you put it but as you lot are always banging on about “being kind”, I thought to suggest an alternative approach to the OP, since she did ask for everyone’s thoughts. Please calm down. After all, you are & @thepariscrimefiles are not the ones who have to navigate what is clearly upsetting family behaviour. @merrychristonabike I hope you know I wasn’t trying to ‘guilt trip’ you (why??🙄) and I truly wish you all the best in trying to sort all this out.

But FillyFillyMe surely you aren't suggesting that the OP spends every single Xmas with her parents, never with her In-laws or just with her DH and children?

That's what her parents are demanding and you are saying that if she does anything without them she's excluding them??

Do YOU spend every Xmas doing only what YOUR parents dictate? Your spouses parents are excluded in favour of yours?

Because that's what you are defending here!!

You were guilt tripping OP when you said:

'Also, what are you teaching your children? That it is OK to be unkind and not consider older people’s feelings?'

That was obviously said to make OP feel guilty. The only way that OP can please her parents is to spend every Christmas, every special occasion, every weekend and every holiday with them to the complete exclusion of her very kind in-laws.That is not reasonable or feasible.

I don't think anyone has banged on about 'be kind' in years.
Most people see this phrase for what it is- a way to browbeat (usually) women into putting there own wishes last

Sod that!

Their

Of course your comments come accross as guilt-tripping.

If you cannot see that your comments, however subjectivly meant, and whether well-meaning, contain aspects of what comes accross as guilt-tripping, then a little reflection may assist.

When someone has already shared about a history that amounts to manipulation, and could even amount to emotional abuse, what do you expect your comment, repeated below, would elicit?

Also, what are you teaching your children? That it is OK to be unkind and not consider older people’s feelings?'

"Be kind" is not a magic phrase to prevent strong expression of opinions against perceived problematic thinking. I don't try to come off as charming when calling out something that could impact negatively on someone who seems to already be suffering & trying their best to get through something that could potentially amount to abuse.

But my main concern is for OP @merrychristonabike. This last bit is not a response to FillyFillyMe.

@merrychristonabike I want you to feel supported and validated. You may come accross many people who do not understand what it feels like to have parents who dismiss your needs, minimise the impact of negative behaviour against you, and make you feel selfish for expressing your needs, but that doesn't mean your experiences are not real. And there are some who do, and will understand.

May you feel heard, seen, supported and even loved by the healthy people and in the healthy relationships you encounter. There will be people who understand what subtle control looks like. You may second guess yourself sometimes, but the fact you make concessions such as making yourself available before and after the time you want to set aside for your family (protected time), shows you are trying to make room for your parents even though they cause you problems.

But it is important to feel OK about having boundaries. By choosing behaviour that forces you to entrench boundaries, your parents choose the consequences of that behaviour and that includes you setting boundaries. Don't feel guilty because by choosing to disregard your needs and boundaries, the consequences of that are on them and they are choosing to force you to have boundaries.

Don't ever be made to feel (I say this because sometimes this happens, sometimes from well meaning people) that any bad thing that may happen in the future is because you set boundaries. Or that you'll regret setting boundaries because of bad things that happen. No one is powerful enough to impact the future to that extent, and no two situations are exactly the same. Please let go of the burden of feeling you must balance everyone else's needs but your own. Please stop feeling like you are responsible for managing your parent's feelings or reactions. Also, remember, the Internet is full of people who many not have had your experiences. Sometimes people mean well, but what they say may be damaging. So take everything with a grain of salt and continue to get the healing you need. If therapy could help, maybe something to consider. Good luck with everything. I hope your future Christmases are full of joy, and the magic of Christmas.

I think they genuinely wanted to suprise you and have a nice time together in the hotel.Your reaction was a bit mean to be fair.

Have you read the rest of the thread and updates, because you’re missing a huge back story if you’re only responding to the post you’ve quoted.

You come in weeks late with that kind of bullshit? Get a grip

If you click on 'Show All' on OP's first post, you will see that OP has posted 55 responses so there is a lot more information.

OP is the opposite of mean. She has pandered to her narcissistic and demanding parents for years to the detriment of herself, her DH and her in laws. Her father is a shouty aggressive bully, supported by OP's mum.