Visitors to newborn

[Yelrab]

Is my daughter reasonable to ban all visitors to her, her husband and new baby for several weeks? I am in my eighties and would like to see my new grandchild for just five minutes. Is this some new fad? Next thing: psychotherapy for children who did not socialise early enough, as is the case with children who isolated during Covid!

When I had my first c section and got a chest infection from a visitor :) was not fun at all, somehow (thankfully) my newborn didn’t get it! Laughing isn’t fun either - I agree.

I’m not risking my health postpartum or my newborn’s/toddler’s because someone can’t wait a few weeks to visit. Not worth it.

New parents are allowed to have space after having a baby, especially mums to recover from birth, more so if it was a difficult/traumatic birth. It's mentally distressing if obstetric violence took place. Several weeks is a bit much. Though like I said she's allowed space however long that may be. Some people want others around and want the help, whereas some just don't.

It's also not selfish to not want visitors straight away since it's not anyone's baby but their own. You can't be selfish regarding your own baby/child as no one is entitled to visit or to a relationship with their child. It's so dumb when people say that. It's a newborn. They have their whole life to make relationships with other family, let the parents have the time they want. Why are grandparents always so pushy with grandchildren? Try backing off a bit.

Aren't* *supportive... do you think that maybe that might be the reason for the boundary in the first place?

Odd assumptions.

No I really don’t but you proved my point by saying this because my point was that it doesn’t happen to every woman. The irony is delicious.

It is selfish to isolate with no visitors for weeks. We aren’t talking a few days and the OP hasn’t had surgery so your example doesn’t work.

But hey, when the OP needs babysitting when the child is older (and she finally permits people to meet the baby 😂) I guess as long as she extends them the same courtesy when they can’t, don’t want to or are unable and has no feeling on it whatsoever except it’s their decision then perfectly fine.

It’s a very strange new fad! Personally I couldn't wait to show mine off! Even DS1 a winter baby born at 35 weeks suffered no ill effects from visits from family when he was in scbu & later at home. He had his first cold at about 6 weeks old despite there being the usual winter bugs going round!

What is the urgency to meet the baby? I don’t understand this. 80 year old will still meet the baby, just not ASAP?

OP’s relative might have had stitches, she might get an infection, she might have the onset of postpartum psychosis - if she isn’t ready for visitors at that stage, she isn’t ready. Why risk the baby during the height of flu season (there’s a pretty awful flu going around in case you hadn’t seen the newspapers). Why the pressure on this new mum?

The baby isn’t going to disappear in a cloud of smoke. Surely, showing care towards the baby’s mum (by giving her requested space) is as important and OP seeing the baby.

Now where did I say ‘the same’
trauma? Read again, carefully.
It was my DiL who pointed out that It was traumatic for DS. She is a medic and hearing all the urgent stats thought the baby was dying.DS thought they both were. So yes, traumatised indeed. Dear DiL had a painful recovery but wanted us to meet their baby. She knows us and loves us and we know how to conduct ourselves. We did not expect to be waited on.

Funny how many posters trot out the line about future childcare and how mums shouldn’t think to ask for help because they wouldn’t let anyone cuddle their newborn the first few weeks while she was healing and getting a handle on things.

It’s not really about the baby and the mum then if you’re going to hold a grudge, chooing not to spend time with your own grandchildren because you couldn’t hold them the first few weeks.

Could easily say not to be shocked when the mum decides not to ask you at all and only ask those who care more about mum and baby than their want for cuddles.

I do wonder how these germophobic people manage when it’s a second or third baby and there are children bringing in all sorts from school and nursery and handling the baby.

In those cultures the family aren't excluded though. The mum is looked after cooked for, house
work done etc. Not letting your immediate family meet your baby for weeks is just ridiculous!

I think it's tremendously selfish and controlling but seems increasingly common.

If there's no serious health concerns, surely some of the magic of those first few weeks is sharing in the joy with close family and friends.

I am immensely grateful my sister was not of this type, I brought her and her DS home from hospital on their discharge after giving birth the night before, and it was one of my proudest moments ever as aunty! The DS is now 15 and I treasure that feeling of seeing and holding him for the first time, 'new baby smell', and driving obsessively carefully all the way home. So special. It wouldn't have felt the same at two weeks for sure.

[Obviously caveat I do understand anyone with experience of trauma through baby loss or close family with severe vulnerabilities etc etc would feel the need to handle things differently, no judgment there at all!]

I think this is lovely. Your daughter has her own family now - she needs time to focus on that. Take your role as extended family with grace and I’m sure you’ll be welcomed when they’re comfortable.

Yes friends say mother stays in bed while others look after the house and bring the baby to mum when it needs a feed

It's not selfish or controlling at all. How ridiculous

Aren't supportive... do you think that maybe that might be the reason for the boundary in the first place?

No, I think the reason for the ban in the first place is following a new fad like a sheep.

I think it's brilliant that new parents are setting boundaries that work for them/their family.

Much better than knackered and overwhelmed new mums having to host all the extended family the day they get home or even in hospital.

I remember my best friend telling me how shit she felt with the parents, in laws and siblings turning up all the time.
All wanted to hold the baby, stay too long etc. She was emotional, bleeding and freaked out and of course no-one noticed her.

With her second, she had no visitors for at least 2 weeks. Her mum grumbled and wanted to be the exception but friend knew that would open the floodgate of demands. She also didn't tell anyone but two closest friends she was in labour.

People generally don't like boundaries and others saying what they need. They call it selfish, self indulgent, call them snowflakes and silly. They take it personally and snipe about it.

What they actually feel is pissed off that others are prioritising themselves and not just pandering to others.

I wonder why it's so hard to respect what other people want? Why are they more important than the people who have given birth and are learning to parent their new baby.

Yes it's different to the 'good old days' but in a good way.

I don't think it's a fad that people are following like sheep. I think that historically people had to have everyone visit because it was the done thing. I think women are becoming more assertive and putting boundaries in.

I wish I did. I was a bleeding mess for weeks and having to host unhelpful (and in some cases judgy) parents was extremely hard work

Also, to add. The absolute last person I would want around me in labour and with a new baby would be my mother. She would be overbearing, bossy and make it all about her. Not every one wants or needs their mum at times like this and that needs to be respected too.

I wonder how many of these grandparents and other relatives complaining actually bring something toxic to the relationship and are kept at arms length.

Everyone's entitled to their own opinions! I personally think it is, preventing others sharing joy with you is pretty much the definition of selfish to me... but there you go, each to their own!

Tsk. Hopefully my daughters -if indeed they have children - won't behave in this nonsensical fashion.

It’s a new fad. This generation of mothers think they were the first to ever have a baby. Another popular decision seems to be to allow the maternal grandparents and keep the paternal lots away. It’s very decisive and shows what kind of people these mothers are.

100% this. After my first I was in agony after a very difficult delivery, struggling to establish breastfeeding. A few hours after the birth my parents, in laws, and SIL turned up at the hospital, they were invited, they did nothing wrong. But I found it totally overwhelming and spent much of their visit crying in the hospital toilet, after a 72 hour delivery I was exhausted.
With number 2 it was made clear that visitors would be when we got home, when both baby and I were ready, which was about day 4. Not an excessive wait for family, and very helpful for me.

The OP isn’t asking for immediate access, just not to wait three weeks for a five minute visit to meet the child of the child she bore herself, when both are well and healthy.
Pretty cruel in my book.

Same. My own mother wanted to be there for mine and I said no. We’re not close whatsoever. My sister was due months after me so she was there for her. My sister snapped at her because she was being overbearing and called her a nag which was new for my mother since her and my sister are besties. For my sister; her golden child, to snap at her, I can only imagine how bad she was.

She didn’t meet DS1 until he was six weeks and DS2 until he was two weeks. Our dad didn’t meet DS1 until he was 11 mo and DS2 until he was 5 mo. They live in the States and our father wasn’t fully cleared to travel to see us due to health issues. Didn’t stop them from still bonding with their grandsons who they have video called every week since they were born. DS1 is almost 10 and DS2 7.

In-laws met DS1 at 6 days old and DS2 at a month old. They see our children more than my parents but we live 5+ hours from them and both boys know and love them too.

Not being there the first few days or weeks doesn’t mean there won’t be a bond later.